A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Ok...so..I've been dating this man for 8 months. I've only met his parents twice, and his whole family (6 brothers and sisters)once. This is really tricky situation, but...his parents told him a while ago that they don't want to get to know someone in his life, unless it's going to be for life (he's got two ex's and 2 children). So, with this information...I've been keeping distant as we've been having our share of problems, and until I know we are solid...also..his family is very judgemental (they are very well to-do). So the situation is, his mom is dying and he's asked me to attend the funeral with him. At first I agreed - until I found out that the family hired a limo for immediate family only, and everyone else had to find their own way. So, not knowing anyone in the family, I'm on my own. I feel very uncomfie. I've told him this, and he was very upset. He wants me there, I know and understand, but god! I'm so stuck between a rock and a hard place. He wants me there so he won't be the only child in the family that doesn't have someone, yet I won't be sitting with them 'cos I'm not immediate family. What do I do? (also have to mention that I just attended my former mother-in laws funeral - I of course knew the whole family very well, and my new beau is upset and hurt b/c I'll go to that but not to this....) any suggestions? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your responses. Let me clear some things up, I do agree that he needs my support and he's got it. He's never lost a parent before and I have. So I do understand. His family wasn't brought together just to meet me (sorry if that impression was given), the meeting took place at his mother's b-day party. My b/f has only been involved seriously with two other women before. one for 10 yrs and 1 for 4 years, both split. He has a great relationship with his first ex, but has no relationship with his second, and his family hates her for the turmoil she put him through. Due to this, the request was put in not to introduce anyone until he knows "she" is the one.
The whole issue here is the comfort zone. I realize I may sound selfish, but hell...6 brothers and sisters, all married but him, all part of the family but me (we aren't marrried - as I was told). It's been 8 months and not that he hasn't tried to get me to go and hang out with his family, and I have a few times, but not enough to be considered "family" to sit with him at the funeral. I get to drive there by myself, walk into the church by myself, and sit by myself. It's ok though, as long as he gets the "support", and doesn't feel lonely b/c he's the only one not married. Once again, not to sound selfish, but where was my support from him when myself and both my kids were diagnosed ADHD? none! His only response was "do we have to talk about this all the time (like his mothers illness), can't we just take a break? I replied " I live with it, I don't get a break" So as much as I know I should be there for him, sitting with him or not, I can't get past the uncomfie feeling and unwelcoming feeling that I just don't belong.
A
female
reader, beehive  +, writes (18 July 2009):
I think that this is one of those situations where you have to do something that is going to make you very uncomfortable. You need to do it to support your bf. However, I don't think that it is right that you can't sit with him. Perhaps, this is not the type of family that you want to be a part of...but maybe after a while you will learn to like them. So, for now, it's best to be supportive, and see how it goes from there.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (18 July 2009):
 I think you should go. He needs you and your support. I know it's uncomfortable for you but think about his situation...his mom is passing and he needs someone to lean on. Don't focus on how his family treats you, focus on your boyfriend and how he's feeling, and be there for him in his sorrow.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 From what I see, you have more than one problem.
The long-term problem is that your beau has brought some other ladies home before, and the family wants him to bring "the definitive one". They are not sure you're that person, and perhaps they look down on you as a pastime. Be very careful and notice that I speak about HIS FAMILY. I don't know what the man has in his head.
Second, they are very elitist and perhaps stuck-ups, too.
I also detect some sort of strong family control. All the siblings had to be there just for your beau to introduce you to the family? Wow. Knowing how busy people are in Canada, I imagine that setting a date for them to meet you took months and more preparation that the wedding of a king. Or, a Latin American despot.
The immediate problem is whether you should go to the burial. Yes, you should, since he's your beau and she's the mother. You will feel tremendously uncomfortable, but that's a different matter. You will be looked down on, and maybe that's something to consider about this man.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (18 July 2009):
 hi,he's got to put his foot down with his family so you travel with and sit with him. you're going to support him and in return he must support you. Theres no way i'd go otherwise. I'd feel like a fool. good luck x
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