A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Ive been with my long term fiance and planning to marry soon. I know he cares about me and love me. But theres so much obstacle and problems in our relationship.His parent is egoist and narcisstic parent. They controlled their children eventhough theyre married and has their own family. I think they controlled them with financial help. All his children is still dependent financially with them but they all tried to gain money outside by working or do small business ( but still his parent still support them financially).His parent is quite warm and welcoming person. They treat me well. His dad loves me and wish us to marry soon. His mom is caring person, she cares about common things such as her family well being. She isnt calculating about babysitting her grandchildern or giving away things for the one she loves. His parent often give things for charity. His parent is a kind of parent who doesnt really care about their children mentality and emotion. My fiance childhood is so lonely and lack of love from them. Even theyre present and raised him, they doesnt teach much about life and let him learn and grow outside. This make him has low self esteem.Her mom is so egoist person as she doesnt allow my fiance to live on our own after we marry and worse, her sister live around them after having her own family just to help their family business ( her mom support his sister financially since her husband cant afford it). I feel exhausted and stressed all the time thinking about my future with him. I got a sense that i wont love his mom as i used to because shes so egoist and to make it worse my fiance is so obedient with most of her wish.I think that she tried to controlled her children with her possession (which is far more less compare to my parents). She command my fiance to have a job outside their family business and i think that he is better continue and develop their business as he is the only son. He must be inherit their business and asset as a son. But my fiance said its not the right time. They would give him if they wish and i better not thinking about it. He said in the meantime he will get a job. He said its not his business and he doesnt want to dependent rest of his life with them.I dont understand if his parent treat him like he is a step son or adopted why he must be so obedient and respect to them? He just can ask or proposed that he will take over the business so that he can start sooner to develop it.I feel so confused and stress out that my fiance is not stable financially and we need to depend on them. Im desperately wish to marry soon but this condition stress me out.
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female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (6 May 2016):
 There's surely a lot of labelling here. Narcissistic, controlling, pathological liar. These terms fit a criminal, definitely not him and his family. I don't like dentists either and I am not going to argue with my mom why I don't go so I lie too. I think what your boyfriend wants is some freedom from the day to day interrogations.
I think your boyfriend is telling you he wants to find a job, while knowing it's true that it's hard to find one that makes a lot of money. At least he has to say it, so that you think he wants to be an individual.
The way for a couple with different backgrounds to be happy is to stop wishing for change and just adapt. If I were you I would be glad to work for his parents. This is coming from someone who does not have to work a single day either. I am working full time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2016): Thank you for your understanding. I just realize that i resent his parent just because i wish that he could be more assertive and competent to live on his own feet and not depending on his parent anymore. I think janniepeg said it right. Perhaps if he can afford our own living we could live happily and freely as we wish. I know he cares for me deeply. He would give anything he has just to make sure im good. To be honest theres something more in my mind about out relationship. He has a bad habit which is lying. I think he is pathological liar. Ive researched it from internet and he has that synthom alike. I think he has self esteem issues and struggle to find his own identity and to be accepted by his surroundings. Also he lies to avoid things he doesnt wanna do. I ask him to go to dentist and he procastinate and keep lying to me that he would go. He just keep lying about hes busy and finally he admit that he doesnt like going to dentist. He even ever lied to me about where he is. What he did.I dont know if i can trust him fully. He promised me that he will dedicate all his life for me after we marry and give me the life i wish for after he succeed. On the other side i know he really care about me. He wouldnt let me stay on my house alone worrying something would happen when im alone and he used to give part of his favourite side of food for me. He would give me the first bite for almost every time we eat. He never ever let me hungry and always order food for me eventhough im not hungry at all just to make sure im not empty stomach. He is kind of man who doesnt bother or shy about pda. Even in front of his family. He feed me his favourite food when we have dinner together with his family (i feel shy theyre wathcing us). When im saying pda,i mean in a polite way, just hugging and hold hand and sometimes kiss my forehead and hair. He is sweet and im happy everytime we meet because he treat me with respect but when we are not meeting i feel so empty and lonely.Is it possible we could be happy in the future despite our differences? Will incompatible couple happy with their life? How to change the gap and make it better? I would like to hear real experiences and stories about relationship. I love him and cant imagine my life with other man even who is better above him. I just want to work it out and wish things will change. I wish he will succeed soon. But i know its way too far from success and i would wait long if it ever happen. Im trying to be realistic.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (5 May 2016):
I think you have confused feelings about his parents. Overall they are good people, but when it comes to having it your way, such as wanting your fiancé to have a more assertive personality, then his parents became egotistical and controlling. From your post I don't see them as such. Many Asian parents never grew up with warmth. It's mostly about survival so they don't know how to show children warmth either, or were too busy and tired to think about feelings.
Your mom told him to get a job outside, so that counts as "seeing the outside world and learning it his way." Your fiancé says it's not the right time. I think the family business is teaching him a lot about life and he sees how stable it is, rather than competing at a tough job market, working at a job you don't like or jumping from one job to another without an aim. His parents didn't control their children with money. It's because they don't earn enough and they should be grateful that their parents are helping them out.
I don't know how well the business is doing, whether it will prosper or not. The only way to find out is to help out and develop it yourself too. If you both work hard at it, then you are not depending on them. You are just taking over. Your hard work earns it.
Why should he not respect his parents? His parents' business may not be his dream job, but until he can find one, he's still dependent on them. It's not that they don't allow him to live outside. I am sure if your fiancé can make enough money and to support you too, then they can't say anything. The deal is, if he wants financial help, then he has to help out with the family business.
If I can remember right in your previous post, your dad can afford you a house. His parents won't allow this because of pride, and because they believe their son can make it one day without help. So if you feel it's not right to depend on them, it's not right for your fiancé to depend on your dad either.
This is not about parenting at all. The way to wealth cannot be taken for granted. Just because someone hasn't succeeded yet does not mean they are mistreated, controlled or had their growth stunted.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (5 May 2016):
 Why do you need to rely on your fiance for support financially can you not go out and get a job for yourself? A career where you make your own money and living?
Look his family are what they are, they are close to their children and yet they are also strict and possessive, I think you need to accept this before you marry him. He obeys his parents out of love and respect, they brought him in to the world, and he is correct they don't need to give him their business just because he is their son, it is their business and their choice what they do with it, so if your fiance is looking for work outside of the family then that is up to him. I suggest you also look for work.
If this is not the life that you want then you should talk to your fiance, as this will only keep creating problems even after you are married, it is best to talk now before you both make a commitment to each other.
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