A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Married for 33 years.My husband used to be rude sometimes, and very lovely others. 15years ago I got a phonecall telling me he has a son out of our marriage and still is this woman. I had a very rough time.Asked him for divorce. he denied. this woman used to call me every other time, and when I tell my husband, he won't believe. Now time has passed they left each other. but now he has 2 other women. we live together in the same house, my husband and I. but have no sex at all for one year. before that it was like 2 or 3 times a year. not one nice word, like I love u. he does not want to divorce me twice I demand a divorce,he says he did not marry me to get divorced later.I feel so unloved, so miserable. help me pls.
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female
reader, hmcm  +, writes (27 February 2010):
why id divorce such a bad thing im fed up with people saying keep trying the bottom line is you dont feel loved he isnt faithfull but he doesnt want a divorce well thats tough because if you do then it wont stop you but it seems like you want to hold onto this user, if thats the case then you have to live with it im afraid
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2010): He won't give you a divorce, but that doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Can you just leave him and move on with your life, even if you're not legally divorced? Truthfully, you're marriage ended years ago; the only thing that's keeping you together is a piece of paper.
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice  +, writes (23 February 2010):
 I'm not sure about law or culture in your country. Divorce may be prohibited as in the Philippines or unpopular as in Ireland. I'm also not sure where adultery is evident why you need his permission for divorce.
After 33 years the marriage has a momentum of it's own. Now this may sound like a silly question. How is divorce going to make you feel more loved? You are in your fifties what are your prospects for a mew relationship? Do you want a new relationship? I suspect you just want him back. After 15 years of this it is going to be hard to get him to stop.
FA
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (23 February 2010):
I'm sorry you have been made so miserable in your marriage. At first I wanted to go on about what an a** he is; but I will let the other posters do that while I give you an alternative view:
Men often don't tell their wives their needs and end up going outside their homes to get what they need. Men primarily need sex ( good sex at least once or twice a week) and lots of attention and praise. But they feel stupid asking for these things and expect us to read their minds. The other woman is always ready with a kind word of admiration and her legs wide open. She is always in a good mood, looking sexy and smelling good while we are at home fuming in our sweats. This goes for all women reading this who are scoffing at my words right now: if you are not sleeping with your husband AT ALL then there is a big probability that he is getting that need met elsewhere. And not just "let-me-sleep-while-you-do-it" sex; they want you to be involved, enjoy it and be enthusiastic about it.
What about me? We ask. What about my needs for affection, attention and love? Very true, but its up to you to let him know what you need too. Just like we can't guess what their needs are, they also can't guess our needs. As twisted and warped it may be, he is obviously happy being with you since he refuses a divorce, so most likely all he needs is more regular sex; at least once or twice a week minimum. The problem here is that he has gotten into the habit of fulfilling his needs elsewhere so you need to get him to go for counseling to figure out a way forward for both of you. Ofcourse even superwoman would find it hard to start offering a man sex as an incentive for him remaining faithful after such shocking behaviour; its quite a humiliating place to be. So that's where the counseling comes in where you have to start afresh and you let him know you feel neglected. Don't get me wrong; some men can be getting all the sex of their dreams at home and still cheat. At the end of the day, you can only do all you can to do your part and the rest is up to him. Some are unfixable and in that case, you do yourself a favour and get a divorce.
If you really don't want to be married to him at all, then don't talk about a divorce first. That's like popping a balloon suddenly; too shocking. Rather deflate the balloon slowly, ease him out; ask for a temporary separation to "work on yourself". Then somehow just keep finding an excuse or "needing more time" before reconciling. This slower process takes months but it works because you are giving a little hope that you will be together again and he won't resist as much as the sudden approach.
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