A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I recently found out that my boyfriend has been drifting emotionally because the thrill of the chase is gone for him. I then found out that to compensate for the thrill being gone, he had started being attracted to someone else (someone he hasn't met in person). But according to my boyfriend, I shouldn't be as upset as I am because he was only attracted to one quality of hers and not to HER. I'm still upset because I feel like if you're attracted to one quality, then you're attracted to the person. Am I wrong? What can I do in this situation? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (13 June 2016):
 if your BF is drifting because "the thrill is gone" I'd let him drift right away over to her and her ONE quality.
while the 'thrill of the chase" is fun... it has no bearing on a life together.
if you want a serious relationship the "thrill" goes out the window in lieu of care taking and responsibility.
If you were to have emergency surgery later this week, do you think he would care for you properly? if not, let him go.
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (11 June 2016):
 If your boyfriend can't sustain a mutually fulfilling relationship as a grown up then let him go. Eventually he may wise up on the "chase" thing but there is no reason you should stick around hoping for his "enlightenment."
Life is far too short to accept such silly rationales in a healthy and happy and sustainable long term partnership!
Move on and choose more wisely going forward.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): Messy situation this and it puts you in a spiral of negative emotions.You take it for granted that the thrill of the chase is over and his eye is free to wander while you feel all kind of negative emotions about yourself.Firstly he's got a nerve to tell you that the thrill of the chase is over!There are guys out there who'd go to unfathomable lengths to be your boyfriend and who would go to great lengths to build a relationship with happy memories and a future to relish.Imagine you had a child with this man?Would he need to be out on the town fulfilling his urges while your belly grows a bit more uncomfortable each day?I suspect he would!And two weeks after the birth would he need to forget about the baby and get on with living the fast life!If he can be so cavalier about your feelings then he isnt good husband material.He is someone you need to pass on!But figure it out for yourself.Ask yourself what kind of future you want and think about a man with emotional security and maturity and see ifthat appeals to you.The future is yours but if your gonna stick with this person you are gonna need a thick skin.This messing about with words about character traits is a load of bullmanure.Hes testing the water to see how far he can push your buttons!Try being blunt and say "Just walk away would you ,now that the thrill of the chase is over.Clear off and let me find a proper man!"But i expect you wouldnt do that so i suggest you at least smile at the idea of saying that to him and let him wonder what it is that is so entertaining that you smile!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): I should also add that he said that it's borderline a compliment because he found the trait attractive because I have it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 June 2016): Relationships are not all about the thrill of the chase. A committed man who loves you will know this. The thrill will fade for everybody after the honeymoon phase is over. But that thrill is replaced with a deeper love, mutual respect, a strong foundation of friendship and caring. You and your BF are still young. He may not be ready for true love and a solid, mature, long term relationship.How long have you been together?When a partner is drifting emotionally, yes, there is cause for concern. This should not be happening and signals a disconnect in the relationship. There could be many reasons and I am not sure what is happening in yours exactly. But has your relationship been rocky lately? Is it healthy? Seems to me there is more going on than you say.I would be concerned if my boyfriend liked something about another woman. Sure, we can be attracted to others even if we have a boyfriend or girlfriend but I just see it as a crack in the armour. You are fortunate he has not met her in person. Because then you would be very threatened. Is there a chance he will ever meet her in person? If that would happen, you would go into protect my boyfriend mode. Which could be messy too. Lack of trust can destroy a relationship. But instead of worrying about others, what you need to do is have a good, long talk with your boyfriend about how you are feeling, where you are headed, how he feels about you. It is best to be totally honest. You need to know. You need to feel better. You are invested in him and want to feel like he is invested back. Be prepared that sometimes guys say anything to stay in the relationship out of comfort. At this point, you will need to start watching his actions and behaviours. See if anything changes. And just rely on your own instincts. Eyes open.Also, sometimes when we feel insecure for whatever reason, we project our fears onto our partners and make mountains out of molehills and see threats where there aren't any. But I am concerned about your boyfriend. Maybe I am old school but I do not think he should be attracted to any qualities in another girl. To find women attractive, sure. There are many attractive women in the world besides you. But to be attracted to them emotionally is treading dangerous waters. Especially if you say he has drifted emotionally from you.A good, honest talk is what you need to do first. But be prepared he may not be totally honest. The hard part is you will go on feeling insecure and your fears will get worse and your trust in him will begin to erode. If you REALLY feel he is no longer into you and drifting away, maybe you should also consider leaving him FIRST before he hurts you.All things to consider.Good luck.
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