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age
26-29,
anonymous
writes: This is going to be long, so please dear Agony Aunts and Uncles, bear with me. My boyfriend and I have been dating eleven months, we are 15 and 16, we have boundaries and we're not crossing them, this really isn't a sex question, its more about seeking advice on all the other stuff that makes up relationships. We've had a fairly good relationship thus far, we're very close, talk to each other every night, and see each other at every opportunity(we go to different schools), which equates to about once a week and we are generally with mutual friends. However, his mother has just informed us that she thinks we see too much of each other, and has forbidden him from going to my formal dance this Saturday, but has permitted him to go to the one next Friday.This issue is somewhat resolved as I have spoken with dear friends and family, and accepted that she has the power to forbid him from attending the formal, but what I don't understand is why she did it so suddenly, a few days before when things had been prepared for almost a month. We've thought of tons of possibilities, but I won't know unless I confront her myself which I think would be a really, really bad idea. My grandmother also dislikes her, as our families sort of know each other, they've had a mutual dislike for a while now, and my grandmother is afraid it is only going to get worse. I do my best to remain as polite and proper and kind as a young lady should be towards her, and most of the time she is nice, but I catch glares every once in awhile. What can I do to appease her when I do not know my own fault and I can't confront her to find it? Its not like I've been attacking her son on the couch in front of her, we watch movies, he attempts to teach me football and I fail miserably, etc. I can understand her being protective, but I don't understand why the sudden changes. How can I improve my relationship with my mother-in-dating?My second part of this query is about me and my boyfriend and our relationship itself. We've been dating eleven months now, and this is the longest relationship either of us have had. I've been an open book to him, and he's been fairly open to me. He's helped me through a lot of tough times these past months, losing relatives, family issues, etc. However, I try my best to be there for him, but he does not want to share his problems with me, and I feel very whiny when he asks me about mine and I tell him but he won't let me help him in turn. Aren't people in relationships supposed to trust and support one another? I've asked him and he says that's just the way he is, he's an Aquarius, he hides his emotions, I'm a Sagittarius, my heart is on my sleeve and right now it's hurting because it feels like he doesn't trust me to help him, or doesn't want my help, and I know that no human being goes eleven months without running into some kind of trouble, so its been bugging me for awhile. Whenever I'm with him, I know when he's upset about things, even though he rarely smiles to begin with unless I make him laugh, but across a computer screen, I'm blind, but yet he always knows with me, it might take him awhile, but he can tell when something's wrong, and he hides! He hides his feelings behind this gigantic wall and it hurts looking at the wall. All I can think of to do is to wait for him to trust me, but I don't know how, and I don't know what to say to him, I tell him I'm there for him, and I've told him I'm a little hurt by this, but its just so frustrating. I trust him with everything and I have no clue where he, or his mother for that matter, stand. Please advise on both matters Agony Aunts and Uncles!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2012): "I don't understand is why she did it so suddenly, a few days before when things had been prepared for almost a month."
She does not owe you an explanation nor should you expect one. Not defending her, sudden decision seems petty and arbitrary, but she's the parent and parents have all the power and she does not need to be right, correct or justified in exercising it.
"What can I do to appease her when I do not know my own fault and I can't confront her to find it?"
Nothing, and the fault lies with her not with you. Unfortunately, that's the downside of being the kid; you can be right and still lose because parents have all the power even when grown-ups suck, which is often the case.
She's the parent and you and bf are the kids so you lose.
"How can I improve my relationship with my mother-in-dating?"
You can't, that would require her to be reasonable and likable, neither of which she has demostrated or appears to be capable. Unfortunately, that's the downside of being the kid; you can be right and still lose because parents have all the power even when grown-ups suck, which is often the case. She's the parent and you and bf are the kids so you lose.
"Aren't people in relationships supposed to trust and support one another?"
Yes, but only adults can offer unconditional trust and support. Very likely bf holding back on confiding in you because that would only give you more (legitimate) reasons to dislike mother while putting him at (legitimate) risk of pissing her off even further. His first priority is keeping her at bay, he has to live under same roof with her. Show your trust and support for him by understanding situation from his perspective. He knows you're there for him, nothing more you can do so don't push. Your hurt feelings are completely understandable, but don't blame him for being stuck in an impossible situation not of his making.
"I trust him with everything and I have no clue where he, or his mother for that matter, stand. Please advise on both matters Agony Aunts and Uncles!"
He can't know where he stands from one moment to the next because that depends on the caprices of his mother, who seems to be one of those a-hole parents who enjoy abusing their authority on a whim simply to show kid she's the boss. To be blunt, she's a bully and a coward on a power trip. You don't mention bf's father, assume he's not in the picture, could be she's projecting her anger and/or powerless against father onto bf.
Very impressed with your thoughtful, insightful, eloquent and (I'm delightfully shocked) properly capitalized, punctuated and paragraphed post, almost like you deliberately intended to state your case in a clear, concise, succint, and organized manner to bolster an already compelling statement of facts by expressing yourself in terms befitting a college-educated adult. Unfortunetly, she's still the parent and you're still the kid . . .
All you can do for now is hang on the best you can until adulthood, but be forewarned not likely your relationship can withstand intrusive mother in meantime. Very possible, if not probable, bf will have to eventually choose his own peace-of-mind over you just to get her off his back. Mother sounds like she's willing to make his life miserable just to remind him who's boss, and nothing he can do except make best of untenable situation until he turns eighteen.
Too bad mother too power-hungry to realize enmity she's fostering in her son could literally last a lifetime. I'm in my fifties and I have two close friends who want absolutely nothing to do with one parent due to childhood grievances; they're both big enough persons to maintain minimal polite contact, but otherwise they cut offending parent out of their lives years ago without one twinge of regret.
If nothing else, this will provide invaluable experience in dealing with such a disagreeable person, they abound in adult world in situations where you must deal with them. Also provides key chapter in your textbook of "How Not to Parent."
In any event be aware you possess two qualties many forty-year-olds lack nowadays: maturity and (halleujah) literacy that will serve you well in life. In the meantime just remember that she's the parent and you're the kid . . .
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