A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend looks up his ex when he's having a rough day. We've had problems relating to her before and it has made me insecure so sometimes I snoop. I trust him and I know he's not going to hook up with her or anything but I worry about what this means to our relationship. He has a bit of a f**k you against her and her family but it's been five years. I can't talk to him about it because we end up having a major fight and it's not worth it anymore. We're together 3 years and trying for a baby so WHY does he still care. I feel a bit broken now because I love him and I don't know why he does this... we did talk about her recently and he swears it means nothing.
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female
reader, Anonny  +, writes (5 September 2015):
He's looking her up because she is still on his mind. Whether he thinks positively or negatively about her doesn't really matter - it's the fact that he IS thinking about her & can't move on that is the real issue here.
I agree with the others - don't try for a child until you know he is fully committed to you first. Or maybe think about marriage before trying for children - as marriage will show you he really is committed after all!
Good luck!
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (5 September 2015):
 You can't trust your boyfriend and then snoop on him. Snooping is a violation of trust - his in you that you respect his privacy, and no person who trusts their partner snoops on them.
I couldn't agree with WiseOwle more! You are trying for a baby because you're trying to trap him into the relationship. That always backfires and it's the kid who suffers. If you have to snoop on a partner, and if he's looking up his ex when times get hard, then you should not have a kid with this guy.
He isn't over her. This isn't a once-in-a-great-while nostalgic "Where are they now" memory lane thing he's doing, like almost all of us have done especially since the advent of social media. He's looking her up on a regular basis. It's not a long stretch from "f*** you" to "I'm not over you".
If you are this insecure about a relationship to where you're snooping on him, then the relationship has spoiled like a week-old banana or meat that has been in the sun too long without preservatives.
A cheater will cheat regardless of whether their partner is a paranoid hyper-snooper who stares at the car mileage, snatches the smartphone to rifle through it and questions each and every friendship, or whether the partner is laid back and lets the relationship breathe naturally. A faithful partner confronted by a hyper-trust issue person will eventually have a breaking point and drop the relationship.
The relationship is over if he can't stop looking her up AND you can't stop snooping. You've already violated trust. He hasn't because there is no law against looking up exes. It may be indicative that he's not over her, but he hasn't cheated. If it's a dealbreaker to you, then don't waste any more time and end the relationship. Ask him how he would feel if you looked up an ex everything the going got tough? He most likely wouldn't like it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): Thanks for your advice. we just opened a joint savings to buy a house.we own a business together. we plan to get married early next year (elope) he wants one child and then would like to adopt one. HE has mentioned couples counselling to help us get past it. HE pushes all these ideas. Not just me!he never talks of her... is affectionate and loving to me. He genuinely seems happy to be with me. This has only reared it's head up recently. We had zero problems for a year and then a massive fight where he became curious and she's seems to be on his mind more.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2015): You're trying for a baby; because you think it will trap him.
He's looking up his ex because he has unfinished business; and he is on to your tactics to hold on to him. He's pretending to want a kid with you. He doesn't have to wear a condom.
Trust these words. I don't care how much he says he wants a kid; he will dump you soon before, or after, that child is born. Why a child and no commitment of marriage? Because you know he can getaway even if he's married; but you can track him down, if you still have a child together.
Don't bring another child into this world without a father committed to his mother and an unshakable love for his family-unit. Having a child with a boyfriend is an act of desperation and a big risk. The child suffers in the end.
You've been fighting about it; because you have no power over what he does. Or his feeling for his ex. He wants that ex back like nobody's business. You'll be left with a kid, chasing his father, and being resentful he left you. Your child will grow-up in the midst of this dysfunction; and be one more kid with an absentee father.
If your relationship is unstable due to his constant pursuit of his ex? I would put the brakes on getting pregnant, if I were in your shoes. You can live in denial if you like, reality has a tendency to slap you right in the face when you ignore it long enough.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 If I wanted to look up my ex, that would be because I want to confirm my suspicion that me ex is still a loser and the break up was because of his faults. Others have different reasons. Such as to look up who they are dating, whether the new partners are hotter or not. Your boyfriend does this when he has a rough day. I guess he's blaming his bad mood on his ex. His ex screwed him real bad and all negative things are associated with her.
It doesn't matter what the reason is. If you find it disrespectful he should stop. Also if people are obsessed with exes and the fallout, they can't devote to you 100%. Your relationship has trust issues so you should not be trying for a baby. Actually his refusal to stop means something. Do they have kids together?
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