A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I've only let a couple of my close friends know about the situation I'm going through right now, and I felt I really needed some outside advice.I'm a female that's been in a relationship with my boyfriend for over a year now. In the beginning, it was new and exciting and I of course knew that this would eventually wear off to some degree. Now, a year later, I didn't think it would wear off this much. Because of our work schedules, we only really get to see each other one day a week. And when we do see each other, it's literally always the same thing. Sit down, put on a movie, and shortly after he's always wanting to have sex. I love him..but I'm beginning to think that at this point, I'm not in love with him. On top of all that, I slowly started to realize something. I have a friend that lives a few states away from me, roughly 5 hours or so. I've known them for 4 years, I talk to them daily, and when we do start talking it's non-stop. They really do make me happy, and right now it's the only time during the day where everything is a little better. There are just a few problems with all of this.. There's an 8 year age difference, which when I think about them, doesn't really seem to matter. The distance is yet another, and lastly they happen to be a girl as well.. I've talked to her about my feelings and surprisingly she didn't flip out on me. She told me she thinks of me only as a little sister, but sometimes because of other things she says, it sounds like she isn't really sure about it either. When I think about the future, I can see myself living with her and doing all these things together. She's always so willing to go experience things and enjoy life, as well as settling in for the night to relax every now and then. We also talk about all these things we would go out and do together, if only we were in the same place.I'm very scared and confused as to what I should do. I've never had feelings for another girl before, except for her. My close friends I know would support me through everything, and even prefer I be with my female friend. Everyone else..I'm not so sure. I know they wouldn't flat out reject me, but silently I know they wouldn't be happy. And that just seems so much worse.. I'm also afraid that I might end up staying with my boyfriend because that would be what's expected of me, and that's not fair to anyone involved. It's something that I've silently been struggling with for the last nine months, and it's literally tearing me up on the inside. So please..help? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, RubyBirtle  +, writes (6 September 2015):
If you no longer feel the same way about your boyfriend and you don't feel you're getting what you need out of the relationship, then maybe it's time to end it. Especially if you've been getting crushes on other people that you're feeling the urge to act on. But do it because you want the relationship to end. Don't do it just so you can have the girl instead.
Just because you're young free and single again doesn't mean that a relationship with this girl might happen. She's already said she's not attracted to you in the same way that you're attracted to her. What if she never changes her mind about this? Will it have been worth dumping your boyfriend for? is it worth dumping someone just to scratch an itch?
I did this once many years ago, dumped a perfectly good and decent boyfriend because someone else had caught my eye who seemed very keen on me - there was a lot of chemistry. I dumped my boyfriend and started seeing this new guy and then found out that "he wasn't really in a place for relationships right now". He'd just wanted a bit of fun. And I had to admit that he hadn't asked me to dump my b/f or suggested that we have any kind of relationship -I'd just assumed that he'd felt the same chemistry that I had felt - and he hadn't. I was heartbroken
However I do think that the relationship with my boyfriend had been slowly winding down anyway. I could never really put my finger on it but I figured that if I kept getting intense crushes on other people, it probably meant that he wasn't the right guy for me in the long run.
A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (5 September 2015):
There are many aspects of a relationship's story I always look for before giving advice and when I can't find it, I direct those back to the OP. For example, have you tried talking about your problems with your boyfriend? Is it something you are actually trying to work on or are you just waiting for things to change? If there is a problem in the relationship you should address it else you are only forcing yourself "peace" because you are afraid of being lonely.
If you aren't dealing with your relationship then you shouldn't be having an emotional affair. You are investing your time into a situation which is mostly one sided on your part and you have been rejected politely. You want what you can't have but you have to work hard for what you want, and in a relationship it has to be mutual else it just doesn't work.
Focus on your relationship first. If things do not work out then end it and try being single for a while. That way, you can analyze your own feelings to know if this other older lady is actually worth it, and you weren't just depending on someone else. Stop making excuses for yourself and make some decisions instead. There is no rush and no one is forcing you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg  +, writes (5 September 2015):
 I think most relationships eventually end up with dinner and movies as quality time. Couples who are lucky and have enough money saved up would go on vacation once a year. However if I had no choice but to become a weekend girlfriend, it would be out of sight, out of mind for the rest of the week and I would not feel the meaning of sex when we are together. To fix it, it's either marriage or spicing things up together.
Your relationship with your female friend seems like an emotional affair, but it's more one sided. So even if you leave your boyfriend for this girl, she would not be able to fulfill the needs that a romantic partner would. No one is making decisions for you so whatever people say carries no weight. If staying with your boyfriend means remaining the status quo of being a weekend girlfriend, I question why your family would expect that of you. That girl is only a distraction but she's not your answer for feeling neglected. Talk to your boyfriend about long term goals. If his response shows he's clueless about why this has been a problem, perhaps he's not mature enough for you.
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A
female
reader, coolbeans123123 +, writes (4 September 2015):
listen i may not be your best bet for an answer but i will try help. you say your not feeling the same with your boyfriend , maybe your going through a rough patch in your relationship where you find things hard but thats when you relationship really gets tested? have you spoken to him about how you feel? (like how its always the same and how you feel about that ) on the other hand if you feel there really isnt anything there then maybe there isnt!? about this other girl, some people go through times in there life where they are attracted to the other sex. maybe this is yours?! if shes into new stuff then maybe shes up for trying what you have suggested. what have you got to loose, if it doesnt work be friends. about the age , it may be a problem with you getting along but otherwise i dont think it matters that much. but be careful, i dont want you to do anything irrational because of my advice. ask your friends, im sure they will support and understand you better.
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