A
female
age
36-40,
*eowww
writes:I am 22, my boyfriend is 26. We’ve been dating for almost two years, and the life of our relationship is wonderful. He’s a great guy, very caring, in touch with my emotional needs. We have that chemistry everyone talks about, he makes me laugh, and overall I’m very happy with him. However, something has been bothering me for quite a while, and I think it’s taking a toll on the overall relationship.He’s been in college for the past 5 years (it’s a 3 year program). He lives at home with parents and doesn’t contribute anything. He drives the car his mom gave him, and uses HER Credit Card to fill up gas (His credit is maxed out and he doesn’t have ANY savings). He also uses her credit card for other occasional needs and wants. His car insurance and maintenance is paid by his parents…. Do you see where I’m going with this?He doesn’t have a job, except this under-the-table construction work that he does maybe 1 or 2 times a month. He would work for a day, get his $150, then hang back without work for another month!Now, he’s supposed to graduate this April from this program finally, and he CANT, because to graduate he had to have been working in a field placement for minimum of 80 hours. He knew about this requirement for the past 5 years, and JUST started looking for a job this FEBRUARY! Needless to say, he has not received a call back from anyone with a job offer!So, bottom line: he lacks the motivation, ambition, drive, and goals that I’m looking for in a man. He has a great personality and treats me well. But unfortunately for me that is not enough. I’m not looking for materialistic things (although occasional gifts, flowers and nice dates would be nice). I’m just looking to be confident in him, in seeing him as a potential husband (we do talk about the future). Right now, my confidence in him is decreasing by the minute.I’m a little lost on how to react to his lack of maturity and motivation. I’ve tried a variety of different approaches to this issue. I don’t know what to do anymore. He’s a great guy, but really can he change? I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't have at least a minimum amount of drive!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Tranquilliser  +, writes (30 March 2011):
You are trying to figure out whether it's worthwhile to wait for him, or to move on to someone who shares your drive and ambition.
What do you want from life? How important is it to you that he has a good job?
From what you describe, it sounds like you have lost respect for your partner. No relationship can survive if this respect is not reinstated.
People do change, but usually it is a slow process in the right direction. The question you have to ask yourself is: how long can you wait? And at what point do you think you have waited long enough?
You have to decide. Don't feel guilty if you find yourself incapable of waiting any longer. It may just be the wake-up call he needs.
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