A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Ok so my boyfriend and I have bin together for a year and seven months.Im 25 just turned in Feb and hes 24 he turns 25 in May. I work two jobs one full time and one part time he works nights and goes to school full time. I plan on attending grad school online in the near future to get my masters in teaching.We see each other once a week twice if we are lucky. Mainly when I go over to see him at his dads house were he lives. Mainly cause we can have more alone time there, both my parents are retired and are home full time were as his dad works. The main issue Im having in I want to take our realtionship to the next level and move in together. I make enough that I can make it work on my own, and a couple of months ago when I told him of my plans to move out of the rents, he basicly paniced and told me to wait for him. After ranting and raveing about how I should move closer to him, and I replied with well maybe we should move in together now and solve the problem and he clammed up. So I gave him some space until he wanted to talk about more. Now talking about it more we have plans to get engaged this summer but then when I asked and we would move in together he said well not until the summer after maybe. But now that a couple of months have pasted he says it may be sooner but hes still not sure. I dont wanna be enagaged to him but still living with my parents. I think we are ready and can do it together but he still seems iffy. I know he wants to be with me and live with me. But I think basicly he is comfty were he is not paying rent and spending all his money his car while Im saveing for us to buy a house some day or whatever. After talking about how much I cant wait to move in with him hes says yeah it will be great except haveing no money. And this keeps coming up when we talk about moving in together. Is that all he thinks about is how little money we will have? Where as Im excited about cooking dinner for each other and waking up to each other each day. Money is nice but its not everything. I keep saying as long as we are together it will work out. I guess he and his ex fought alot about money when they lived together. Now I wonder if hes worried thats gonna happen to us and maybe thats why he is dragging his feet. Its just confusing cause one mintue we are talking about getting married and what we will name our kids and the next its all like we will have no money or we should wait blah blah. He is the one Im meant to be with I know it in my heart. I lay awake a night alone thinking how we could be together and see each other every day instead of once a week. Am I selfish to wanna move in now? Advice andy would be great please.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 You need to be patient. You're nit selfish for wanting to move in with him, and I understand your frustration. But if you push this on him it will only cause him to get insecure. He needs to take his own time to get to that same level that you are at.
He does say that money would be an issue, as you would have less. But, don't forget that guy's speak between the lines just as much as we ladies do. He says one thing, but really there could be many others. Such as him not feeling ready, him having had bad experiences in the past with living with someone. He could be scared that moving in together will ruin the great relationship you have. There could be many fears of his other than fear of money not being enough. And he needs time to sort out these thoughts of his.
I also think it is quite common to get stubborn and refuse to do something, even if you want to do it, just because someone else is trying to force you. In many people that cause an immediate response of refusal. So if he feels pushed, he could be resisting simply for that reason.
Since he's already had an experience living with someone, and you don't, I think you should talk more to him about his experiences. See what he learned, and what traps he wants to avoid. Don't push that you want to move in together right this minute, instead ask him "at one point, when we do move in together, how would you like it to be?", this concerns questions such as where to live, how much space you need in the apartment, how to arrange household chores, how to set up a financial plan, a budget etc. He knows what needs to be done, and you can learn from him. Covering the basics could also be just the thing to make him relax about this.
As a tip to you for when you move out for the first time: you might actually want to try living on your own first, and not with him. You learn a lot by living on your own, depending on how your living conditions were with your parents. Simple things as household chores can become tricky to remember. I know when I first moved out at 16 I didn't do laundry very often, hardly ever did dishes, and didn't vacuum often enough either. I also "forgot" to eat, didn't eat properly, and despite thinking that I could cook, I really couldn't cook.... Moving out is the only true test of this. And I was very independent when I was living at home, I knew how to clean and cook, and helped mom out a lot at home.. still it was a whole different world to do it every day all by myself, with no one to guide me and no one to ask advice (even though I still call my mom for tips in the kitchen on how to save my dinner).
Another thing is that when you first live with someone else you need space. You got to have some space between you, a chair if nothing else that is yours, and he got a seat of his own somewhere where he can do his things. Being separate while living together is important. Or having a sleeping couch or something, in the case that one of you get sick, or snores, or generally just wants to sleep alone for a night now and then (two people in a bed can get hot).
Good luck!
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (30 March 2011):
 Just talk to him - there is no point in speculating about why he is dragging his feet or wondering what is going on in his head, simply tell him everything you have told us and get to the bottom of it.
I understand both sides of the situation here - you just want to spend more time with him, being together is more important than having money and you are looking forward to all the great things that come with living together.
Whereas he is just worried about money - he is still at school so it will be a lot of pressure on him to make sure he earns enough money to afford a place of his own whilst making sure his studies dont suffer at the same time. Then of course the past will be a factor, his last relationship was not great and it was money that was the source of the problems, he obviously cares about you too much to let the same thing happen.
I think he does have a point here - as much as you can live in the romantic 'money isnt everything' bubble, reality is pretty different. If he cant make his rent and you are bailing him out, working extra hours, if he is stressed about money and cant focus on school.....your relationship is going to go downhill rapidly, and you wont be able to afford the food for these lovely romantic dinners you have in your head! We would all like to think that money is not that important and love comes above money - but you have to face up to the fact that money makes the world go round, you cant have a happy life without a reasonable amount of money to keep you going. It would be lovely if we could live with the ones with love in nice little apartments and enjoy romantic meals, breakfast in bed, snuggling up with a movie on the sofa etc....but the fact is that all costs lots of money! You have the bills for all the basics, and if he is struggling for money then he wont be able to afford much more than the bills and rent, so there wont be anything left for these romantic visions you have in your head.
So all you will be left with is a man who barely resembles the man you fell in love with - because he will be stressed, tired and worried 24/7 about money and school, he wont be in the mood for any of the nice parts of living together because he simply is pushed to his limit simply to afford the basics of having your own place.
As much as being together is important, you will be unhappier if you rush him into living with you when he is not financially ready because you will fight all the time and he will not be the same man you know now, and you will be wondering to yourself why he has changed and why living together is nowhere near as good as you hoped it would be. You think just 'being together' will mean it works out - it is the complete opposite of this and simply being in close proximity to someone on a frequent basis actually compounds your problems, it definitely does not help just by being together. This whole notion of 'oh well as long as we have each other it will all be ok' is rubbish - there are so many other factors to being happy and making a relationship work than simply being together. If that were the case then no-one would ever split up would they!
So what I suggest is you sit down and talk to him - tell him you are concerned you are being pushy about moving the relationship forward and want to hear his side of things. Ask him what are his reasons for holding back a bit, and that you are not mad or upset, you just want a clear picture of how he feels so you can come to a decision that suits both of you.
Once he has really opened up about how he feels you need to come to a compromise so you can move forward. If he really cant afford it now then you will just have to be patient, as hard as it is, good things come to those who wait and the whole experience will be 100 times better if you can both afford it, rather than having one person who is pushed to their limit and incredibly stressed because of it. When does he finish school? Is it unrealistic to wait until he is finished and has a stable full time job? Try making a financial plan together, based on average rents, bills etc so you can get an idea of how much you need. I know getting engaged is important, but the cost of a ring will be quite a lot, perhaps you can foresake getting engaged if it means he can get a place with you? Or maybe getting engaged will be enough of a committment for now until his financial situation gets better and you can afford to live together? Or maybe can you even afford to contribute more towards a house/apartment so while he is at school, you will pay more of a share of the house so he is not stretched so much financially? You are working 2 jobs so you will be earning more than him, and in reality the person earning more should be contributing more towards the house.
Have a good chat with him, find out what his real reasons are for dragging his feet and then discuss some options together and decide what works best for both of you. Neither of you are in the wrong here, but keep in mind that if one person is not in a good financial situation for moving in together it will ruin the whole experience of living together because they will be unhappy and stressed, which will then be taken out on the other person because they felt pressured to move in by that person. If you are going to spend the rest of your lives together then there is no real rush, living together would be nice but you are going to have 30+ years of living together, relax a bit and wait until the time is right for both of you.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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