A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am currently pregnant and expecting my first child with a man who has 3 children from a previous relationship. His children come over and visit every 2nd weekend. One of his kids is ALWAYS sick though... Ever since I first met her she either has a head cold, runny nose or cough and throughout my pregnancy I ( and other of his family members) have ended up with head colds from her visits. Well, last time he picked up his children and brought them over they were all sick with what looked to be the chicken pox. I felt extremely annoyed actually since I thought they should have stayed home with their mother in particular this week because chicken pox are now putting me at risk as a pregnant woman and now I am worried how it would affect my baby during pregnancy. The head colds were bad enough, now I am worried and annoyed because I had no choice but to be exposed to the chicken pox. He said he was taking them to the doctors office but I think that their mother should have done that before sending them off for a visit with their father?I like to keep out of matters regarding his previous relationship and their parenting, even though there is a lot of things he does that I disagree with I stay out of it. But since now I feel like this is affecting my health and my child I am wondering if I am within my rights to question him on this... I know it's not the kids fault for always being sick but it seems odd to me and I notice their diet consists mainly of junk food. We have had strain on our relationship already I am just trying to keep the peace right now but right now I am feeling like I should say something. Do you have any suggestions how I should bring this up? Am I headed for an arguement? I just don't see why I should be put in this position as a pregnant woman.Thanks in advance. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 hi
regarding the girl who is always ill with colds: how old is she? i mean has she been getting colds since starting nursery or school? often when a child starts school they seem to pick up lots of coughs and colds coz they are amongst new kids and people. my son was the same when he started school aged 4, he barely had a full week in school for the first few months coz he was getting ill a lot. the same thing happened when he started high school, because he was meeting LOTS of new people. again, barely able to have a full week in school coz of minor illnesses. this lasted a few months and then sorted itself out. the children's diet of junk food is not helping matters, you're right.
chicken pox is infectious until the blisters turn dry. so the kids mum should be made aware of the rules around pregnancy and chicken pox, so avoid her putting you in this situation again.
xx
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2011):
 To Annalisa, Yes, Chicken Pox vaccine is included in most Immunization in the US. It's called Varicella (Chickenpox) Vaccination.
Just FYI.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (27 January 2011):
I agree 100% with Caring Guy's post.
Though I do think your husband and his ex needs to figure this out, if a child is sick he/she needs to be seen by a doctor not just "carted" off to the other parent.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 January 2011):
 What I want to know is why those kids didn't get the proper vaccinations when they were babies! No kid has to suffer from chicken pox anymore.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I understand your concern, and I actually agree. Yes, they aren't your children and everyone considers it impolite to try and direct him on how to raise his children... But lets not be too courteous here. You live with him. You're in effect their step-mom. You're going to give birth to their youngest sibling, and they will all be family! So, seeing as they are your family in a way as well, why shouldn't you feel concern. I think it'd be odd if you would just vanish and step out of the picture whenever his kids come to visit.
You're concerned about their health, especially the girl who is always sick. And every normal being who cares for another would feel the same. And especially when the children are seriously ill, and infectious, it's clearly not in their best interest to be shipped around from house to house. THAT however is a debate their father will have to take with their mother. If they think about the best of the children first then they'd not do that. However there seems to be many complications about divided custody of children, and many parents get possessive etc. and put themselves first and not their children. Getting into that mess should only be done if the children's health are seriously put at stake. Such as in cases of child abuse etc. Being sick doesn't even get close, sorry.
But you should definitely talk to your boyfriend about the health of the girl who is always sick. Not that you will demand he does this or that, but you can ask about her, share your concern, and ask how she's doing. Ask if they are concerned themselves, have they seen a doctor about it, and how is she usually when she's not with the father, is she ill then too or is this a case of coincidence? Don't jump to conclusions! Don't assume. Just ask, get informed, and share your concern. Then take it from there. And make sure she eats healthy when she's around your house at least.
If you are worried about germs, and the effect they have on your pregnancy, ask your doctor first. Then tell your boyfriend what your doctor has said so you have something backing you up. That will be easier. Alternatively you could go out of the house when his children come over and are sick.
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A
female
reader, auntieloulou +, writes (27 January 2011):
 I completely, 100% disagree!First, I agree that children are ill lots of times, I work as a nursery nurse and know that kids pick up all sorts. Its fair enough if they come over and have a cold or something, yes you may be more suseptable to catching it but you could catch it by being out shopping, or on a bus etc. But chicken pox is RIDICULOUS! in adults it can become shingles and can seriously harm your baby. he should have said i cant have the kids at my house because of this so i'll take them out for a few hours instead and they will have to go back to their mums, or you both should have arranged for you to stay somewhere else for the night. as for the kids diets, i see first hand in my job that the kids who have bad diets fall ill more often than kids with well balanced diets. by bringing up the subject your showing that you care for his kids. you need to bring it up in a none judgemental way. maybe you could offer to make them food and make something healthy (kids love it when you make a picture with the food such as a face and they'll eat it all that way). if you sit down with him to tell him, start by saying that he's a great dad and that you love the kids etc, but your concerned about their diet and illnesses. say you've researched and you think their diet effects their health and your genuinely worried. tell him you think you both should encourage the kids to eat better. if you are tactful then he will be ok. you cant stop the childrens mother from feeding them how and what she wants so i would not even go there, just concentrate on what they have when you look after them. i hope this helps. i think by being concerned about this you are showing that you are a great mum.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): please take my comments in the manner it is meant: not "confrontational" but "information sharing"i have news for you: as an expectant mother you should be made aware that kids do have runny nose, almost always "sick" with one thing or other. so please get used to it.i think you are being a bit unreasonable for being "annoyed". if i read between the lines you have some major issues with his ex, and their kids. whatever the problems are, you are manifesting it towards his kids and that is not healthy FOR THEM.why do i picture you as the "evil stepmother". sorry i may be wrong here but that is the way you are coming across. right now, you will also blame his "sick" kids for the sun shining.choose your battles. it shows maturity. i think you just tolerate his kids and that you are not friendly/warm to them. not the best environment for kids at all. or even for you. if you just "tolerate" his kids this will put a further strain on your relationship with yourpartner/bf/fiance.yes you may feel that being pregnant you do not want to be exposed to any sickness, but it does happen. its the joys of life.yes exposure to chicken pox is a concern but was it confirmed as chicken pox. when i was pregnant for my second child, both my daughter and hb had chicken pox during my pregnancy. my child is was born healthy (now just naughty).your partner should have a word with his ex about the health of their kids. but he needs to do it tactfully or else she will think that he is attacking her parenting skills or that you are forcing him to "attack " her. although you only mention the state of his kids here, i think you have many many issues in your relationship with his ex, their kids, your lives together and so forth. is it possible to start resolving this before the birth of your child. i think your "issues" will escalate when the baby arrives.few questions for you:- am i wrong in saying you just tolerate thses kids- do you have any relationship with them- are you warm to them- will you allow these kids to be a brother/sister to your child- will you allow your child to play wih these kids- will you treat these kids any better when your baby is born- will you be more accepting of them when you experience motherhood for the first time- do you see your relationship with his kids changing in the future.being a second wife/partner is tough. some women are just not cut out for it.LoveGirl
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 January 2011): The childrens mother could be far more considerate. So could you partner. Have a chat with him and ask that he doesnt have the children to visit when they are ill. Its just being sensible when you are pregnant. If they were your children, then yes, you would have to care for them during their illnesses, even when pregnant. But they arent your children, so you dont HAVE to do it. Make your thoughts clear or you will end up feeling that you and your baby are taking second place to his other family and that will lead to resentment. Your unborn baby should be as important to him as his other children.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (27 January 2011):
Do not even attempt, in any way, to block him from doing what is his duty. Or you will wind up on scrap heap very, very quickly.
It IS his duty to take care of his sick children, whether you are pregnant or not. I had chicken pox when my mother was pregnant, and my brother turned out fine. Plenty of others have the same situation. I'm afraid you saying you don't see why you should be in this position as a pregnant woman is a very poor one. You chose to be with a man who had kids, therefore you chose to accept the good and bad.
Your husband is their father, and he is responsible for his kids as much as their mother is. If you so much as step in the way, his kids will make your life hell, and he will wind up having to choose between them and staying with you. Guess who he'll pick.
You chose a man who has children from a previous relationship. The price of that is that those children will always be there, whether they are ill or not, happy or not and everything else in-between. Why is it up to the mother to make sure they go to the doctor, and not the father? Answer, it's not just up to her. It's his job too. He's right to have his children around when they're ill, because what sort of father would he be if he just swept them aside and didn't care for them in their moment of need? This is a good sign for you, because it means he'll at least be there for your child. I'd be worried if he was palming his kids off all the time.
Also, children are always ill. This is your first child, and this lesson is something you'll continue to learn when your child is ill every other week.
I'm sorry, but I don't think you have any right to complain on this occasion. He is their father, so it's his job to look after them when they're ill as much as the mother's.
This is an argument you won't win. And I'm afraid you shouldn't win it. His children are as important as your unborn child, and you can't just keep them away, ill or not.
You can't afford to be seen as the wicked, jealous step mother who is blocking her husband from seeing his kids (who he only sees every second weekend), because your husband will have to question whether you are a woman who will add to his life, or just block things.
This man has children, and yes they are ill. You chose to be with a man who had children, therefore you have no right to complain. Don't try to palm his kids off. I'm afraid you'll just have to live with this.
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