A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:This may get long so bear with me please. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 7 months. I'll call him J. Before J met me, his father got in trouble with the IRS and told J to take loans in his name out to help him. J took out one $7,000, a $13,000 loan than is now down to $11,000, and credit to buy a television for about $2,000. Also his father had J buy his truck and get an auto loan for that, equaling another $13,000. Now, His dad said he would pay off the loans J took out for him. Remember everything is in J's name. All together adding up to $20,000. J barely makes enough to cover his truck payment along with his other bills. So whats going on now? His dad isn't paying his share of the bills. He supposedly has "no work" (he is a painter). The television and first personal loan aren't even being touched and he is late every month on his $11,000 loan. J called him today to ask if he has paid his loan for this month yet. His dad yells at him saying he needs to back off, etc. This is what he usually does... Knowing the payment is due the 13th. So J offers to pay it, like usual. I have many problems with this. One, we are attempting to save money to move out, yet when we get even the smallest amount, his dad isn't paying something so our money goes there. Two, If J doesn't pay, the bank just takes it out anyway regardless of whether he has it or not. Three, and perhaps the worst, J makes excuses for his dad constantly. The main one being "He doesn't have work, what do you expect him to do? I do have the money so I will help him out." First off, he doesn't have extra money to just give him, WE are going without. Secondly, how about he gets a REAL JOB??? He works about one week out of the month. No one seems to care but me. I'm sick of hearing excuses for his dad! He screwed up his life beyond belief. Crazy debt, loans he isn't paying off... J can't get an apartment. And to top it all off, and you won't believe this, his dad gives HIM financial advice. Yelling at him for buying boots or occassionally going out to dinner. J is 22 and moved into my parents house btw. Our newest plan is to consolidate all of his debt and pay one payment. I am having a serious problem with this however. I do not think it is right to pay off everything for his dad. He has gone through so much and now his dad just doesn't have to pay a cent?? Also, the tv, J would have completely paid off and it wouldn't even be ours. He will pay for a $2,500 tv and not even get it. I'm going absolutely nuts and as you can tell extremely angry and stressed. Either way I see it going badly. If he does do the debt consolidation, his dad will get everything paid for and J will have nothing to show for it except his dad's debt cleared from his name. If he doesn't do the debt consolidation, this non-payment will continue. And despite whatever happens either way, he will continue to talk to his dad and give him excuses and we will go over to their house etc. I can't do that. I won't be able to act like everything is fine. I understand his dad had problems, but I think to get his own son to take out so many loans that it puts him in debt and messes up his credit and life, is seriously beyond messed up. I don't believe it is right. I do not like this man. I don't see how your son does all of this for you and you can still berate him when he calls about a payment HE OWES. J bothers me as well because he lets it go on. He will never stand up to his dad and allows him to talk to him like that. I'm not sure if I should stay in tr he relationship or not. I am so stressed. I would like to talk to J about it but he always just stands up for his dad. I feel like I am the only one standing up for us and he sides with his father. I would like for us to have our own life not determined by his father's lack of work. It may sound selfish, although I don't think it is at all, but I don't see why my life is going to be affected by his dad. It doesn't make sense. If we ever got an apartment and his father couldn't make payments, then I guess we would just not be able to pay rent. I would like any advice. Should I stay in this unstable relationship? I really don't see myself ever hanging around his father and pretending everything is ok if J actually does end up having to pay everything. I hate this man for ruining J's life. I hate that J doesn't see what his dad is really doing. I love him but I don't know how to deal with his family. He is the parent to his father I feel like. I don't know if how angry I am really got across in this post but I hope so because I am at my rope's end. I think I have given all the information for this problem. Thank you so much in advanced if you read it all and answered.
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): Well, he's most unlikely to cut his dad out of his life, blood being thicker than water and all that, so if you stay with him you'll have to get used to the fact you'll always come second to his dad.
The ball is is your court!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really don't know what to do because I do want to be with him. I think if he could just cut his dad out of his life and we take on the payments then I would be better. It's just the fact that he would pay everything and still talk to his dad like it is ok? And Uncle Phil you are right that it seems it doesn't matter as much what I want since he always just offers to help his dad out even after we talk about what we want to do. I'm so sick of hearing about his dad... Maybe J will realize how his dad fucked up everything if we break up. But what I think is more likely is he will go home, talk to his dad all the time like they are best friends, give him his pay checks, and think I just didn't care enough about him. And to likewow, I think you are right that the situation will never change. Now I just have to decide what to do.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 January 2009): this is a really bad situation for you to be in, and it certainly iosn't the best start to any relationship. The first thing I would do is have J move out of your parents' place and move in with his father. The two of you wouldn't be able to afford an apartment for a very long time.
Consolidation loans are all very well, but the amount paid back each month, although less than all the other loan payments put together, will be payable for a great deal longer.
His father is taking him for a hell of a ride and he obviously can't see that.
You would be far better off ending it and finding yourself a man who is not only financially stable but also sensible with money. By sensible, I mean saving for things you want rather than taking out loans all the time. Irrsponsible lending and borrowing is why the world economy is in such a mess at the moment, and these two are compounding the problem.
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female
reader, likewow99 +, writes (17 January 2009):
wowwwwwwwwwww.
that sucks soo bad. Ok, well i guess i would say that it's definitely not a good relationship to be in. So i think first of all, you need to decide how much you care about him.. or actually how badly you want to be with him. And decide whether all these problems are worth it.
It may be too much for you, which i mean, come on it would be too much for ANYONE!
Honestly, i don't think you should stay in the relationship.
Talk to J first and tell him that either he does something about it and stops making up excuses for his father, or you're gonna leave him. Tell him how it affects you, which he should already know , but remind him.. men. ;)
i know a guy thats a painter, and i KNOW that works is low right now.. sometimes he has work for a month or two only, if he's lucky. So maybe right now, he does need the help.
Either way, though, it sounds like he screwed up his life a looong time ago & has nothing to do wit how low the jobs are. Tell J that.
And if J doesn't understand, apologize, and find a solution, you should leave him.
If he doesnt see how screwed up the situation is now, then thats probably never going to change. He will probably continue baby-ing his father forever, which is ridiculous.
so yeah.. i'd leave him. Good luck, and hope it works out! =)
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