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female
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anonymous
writes: ARRGHHH! My ex is completely doing my head in. We broke up about five months ago - his idea cos he wigged out at too much intimacy to soon and there was instant pressure to get married or we would be separated by some visa issues. Before that we'd been dating long-distance for about two years (e-mails and regular visits).We had an amazing connection unlike any I've had before and he said things like, "I feel like I've known you forever." I knew he had 'mother issues' straight off cos he talks about it. She was crazy, manipulative and a compulsive liar alcoholic. He also has herpes (said he felt worse about himself that I was nice about it) and is oddly shy - never makes a move, doesn't like to put his cards on the table.Since our break up he has kept in touch and always been flirty. I feel like he wants me around just in case he grows up /OR he just can't deal with having a proper relationship. it's breaking my heart. Seriously. i've unfortunately had sex with him a few times (3). If I don;t contact him at all, he always comes round my house or finds ways to hang out as if he is trying to decide. he is the sort of person who never makes a decision (doesn't trust his own opinion I think) but I can't help feeling if he wanted to enough, he would try to be with me any way possible. i think the problem is I've been giving him all the aspects of a relationship without commitment so he doesn't have to make a decision. I talked to him last night and said I was done with this "maybe relationship" and he should let me go. he didn;t say anything really, nothing revealing. Trouble is, I'm scared to say how I really feel, I mean, I think he knows already, he must be able to tell!This hurts so much - should I cut off all contact? or stay friends with no sex in the hope he will be able to see that dating is possible? I'm so scared the friends thing will hurt more, in case he finds someone else - I'd throw up I think. It's so hard, I love him. how do I get this right? thanks and sorry it's so long....
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alcoholic, broke up, flirt, herpes, liar, my ex, shy Reply to this Question
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male
reader, mister-squid +, writes (3 January 2006):
 You shouldn't really be having sex with a guy who doesn't know what he wants, specially if you're not in a relationship with him. Quite frankly, it seems to me that he's using you. You should either be in a relationship with him, or not.. There shouldn't be an inbetween.Talk to him and tell him how you feel, then you'll get the answers you're looking for. Having someone screw with your head isn't exactly the most fun thing that can happen.. If you think he's worth being friends with, then try to be friends with him, but don't offer yourself to him ever again. If you do end up being in a proper relationship with him, make him work for sex, don't just give it to him, and you'll see what his intentions are that way too. Rejection hurts, but something like this hurts a lot more. Best of luck in sorting him out.
A
female
reader, AgonyAuntsonEBAY +, writes (3 January 2006):
 Hi there.First things first. Have you had a test for herpes (and anything else he may not have told you about)?Some men are flirty with whatever women are round them so I wouldn't take this as a sign of undying love for you.Having a long distance relationship with someone from a different culture can be fun but as you know, it can also be problematic. He probably appreciates your support as he needs help coping with his mother.My overall feeling about your relationship is that he just wants you to be friends and that he is not ready to commit to anything else.One idea that may help you both decide would be to watch a film together and you say how much you fancy someone in the film. If he doesn't react, I'm afraid, it is friends only. If he does look jealous, then there is hope for a relationship. But don't rush into anything too quickly - and book that test - the people at the clinic are not at all scary. x
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