A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im going crazy!! Plz any advice is soo welcome here...brutial honesty sure beats tellin me what i want to hear!! Ok...me and my ex started chattin few weeks ago and he said all the right stuff (i luv u n miss u..never luv another more then i luv u) we chatted few times a day both on the phone and online..even when we were at work we'd sneak a chat in....BUT.....he had a g.f. (they werent together long...(less than 6mnths) but they were living together)and didnt know how to end it with her cuz he did love her but not the same way as he loves me (i was the one who got away) About 1 week later SHE dumped him!!Now hows that for being ironic? I dont know why, he wont tell me. He lives in another city and is planing on moving back to my city to be with me...Sooo wheres the problem u say?? Eversince she dumped him...i rarely chat to him. Maybe once or twice a week even then its fast 5min chats...He says he has "more important" things to worry about like finding a job n place to stay when he gets here(i offered my place but he refused says needs job first)...I'm soo worried that he's changed his mind about moving back here..he has a job where he lives now and i dont know if hes quiting it or trying to keep it n commute (that would be next to impossible) Im soo upset over this and i dont know what to say to him...basicly things were great when he was dating her but since they broke up...its gone downhill..he says he loves me but wants to get his own life in order before actualy seeing me...Does this sound like b.s to anyone??
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female
reader, Sweet-thing  +, writes (24 May 2007):
 It doesn't sound like B.S. but it does sound like he's a bit confused but the chain of events that have occurred in his life. You said he loved his g/f, though not as much as he says he loves you, though he was kind of cheating on her. Then when she dumped him, turns out he may have loved her more than he thought. On the other hand, how very responsible of him to find a job before moving to a new city rather than having you support him while he looks. These things do take time. Finding a job, locating a place to live, packing up your crap, figuring out your head during the process -- doesn't happen overnight. So be patient. Keep the lines of communication open. Be supportive and loving. If he truly does want to be with you, then everything will fall into place, just give him the time he needs to wrap up his other life, and be supportive as he deals with his feelings for both of you. Good luck.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2007): Firstly, I feel it was in poor form for you and this ex bf to be communicating while he was in another relationship with a female. He liked the idea of getting attention and having his ego massaged from you, while she was still in his life. As for you, I think the challenge, the fantasy of getting him away from her, was intriguing and exciting to you. Both of you played with 'her' life, her feelings, her emotions. Out of all the key players in this scenario, I feel the worst for her. What happened is, she threw a wrench into this fantasy situation by dumping him, before he could do it to her. In other words, she took away all the fun, the excitement. It sounds like 'reality' has hit for him. He's realized the seriousness of moving to you, getting a new job... so now this all may seem like hard work and big efforts. Basically, it is BS and he's postponing...he's procrastinating, he's having 2nd thoughts. I think you should prepare yourself. He may not move to be with you as he promised. Just play this out and see what happens. No one can tell you what he is thinking...you'd have to ask him that yourself. If you still think he's not being totally truthful with you..take your feelings as a red flag. Maybe you both aren't ready to make huge committment, after all. And really, think about this--if communication has waned off..I think you'd be wise to discern his intentions by what he does...not what he says. Talk is cheap and actions 'do' speak louder than words. Good luck, hun and take care.
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A
male
reader, DV1 +, writes (24 May 2007):
 Right now, he's changing his life to be with you. You're not sacrificing anything, but he is, and you need to give him time to adjust. It's not fair for you to expect so much, when he's already showing major change. Give him space. He obviously loves you.
Dv1
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A
female
reader, mcbirdie +, writes (24 May 2007):
 I think it sounds a bit like your boyfriend (? ex?) is finding that things that are romantic and sexy when they are just fantasies ("I love you so much, if only I wasn't with this woman, things would be grand") are not so wonderful when practicalities get involved (moving out, new job, making a new relationship work...)
When someone is in a poor relationship, but doesn't take active steps to end it themselves, they can often get just that little spark of excitement they need from imagining a different relationship--a flirtation, while keeping their main relationship going, is often just what they need.
Consider how many married men keep mistresses for years strung along with promises to leave once the children grow up, or the wife is no longer sick, or he has money saved...all because, in reality, it is much more fun to play make-believe than it is to go through the hard graft of ending one relationship and starting another.
I know that this is hard advice to hear, and worse to take, but if I were you, I would stop focusing so much on him and this relationship. Be grateful he hasn't said yes to moving in with you--everyone needs time to get themselves together after a breakup, and jumping full into the next one is never a good idea. Take things slowly. If he moves to your town, go on dates, talk, see if you find everything so passionate now that you aren't dramatically kept apart.
If he doesn't move...do the same, but do it knowing that he may not be nearly as committed to the idea of this relationship as he seemed when committing to you didn't mean any work for him.
Best of luck.
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