A
female
age
41-50,
*ancingRain77
writes:I need to start by saying i feel like a stupid teenager for feeling the way i do bout the changes in my relationship. Like i'm being a whiney, clingy, insecure, jealous teeny-bopper. But, this is how I feel, so here goes. We've been together 10 months, living together about 7 I think, and at the beginning things were wonderful. It was everything I've wanted in a relationship. He was very tactile, affectionate, attentive, and religiously faithful. About 4 months ago, I got a job and everything seemed to change. He hasn't held my hand in months, doesn't hug me, if I hug him it feels like he's impatient to get away. He doesn't kiss me except for goodnight or goodbye, doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Doesn't put his arm around me or act silly with me, doesn't tickle me or swat my butt anymore. If put my head on his shoulder he says...what do you want? If I watch him doing something, like cooking or whatever, he basically tells me to go away. Our sex life has gone from bout every other night to maybe 2 or 3 times a month. The very odd time we actually go to bed at the same time, he kisses me goodnight then turns away usually putting distance between us.. But I go to bed alone almost *every* night while he stays up for hours. Some of that time he spends looking at pictures of nearly naked women on facebook pages, a lot of it "cosplay" but some just scantily clad skanks, and a few times has googled naked pictures as well. His care and attention is obviously not with me anymore. It's as though I'm just not enough. If he doesn't care enough anymore to show it, if he needs to search for other women in *any* manner, if the women he has at home isn't enough, then we have a big problem.Thought? Comments? Advice? Suggestions? Help?
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female
reader, DancingRain77 +, writes (3 May 2014):
DancingRain77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is visually impaired. Completely blind in one eye, and tunnel-vision in the other.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 April 2014): I hope this doesn't come across as insensitive, it's certainly not my intention, but if he's legally blind, how come he is looking at naughty pictures? Or is he visually impaired rather than completely blind?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (28 April 2014):
 You two moved in together WAY too fast. Basically before you even KNEW each other. Now you are starting to see more of who he is.
If you want to keep seeing this man, I would suggest you DO get a job and move out (or him moving out).
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A
female
reader, DancingRain77 +, writes (27 April 2014):
DancingRain77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he doesn't work, he's legally blind. Me getting a job was at his insistance, because we simply can't afford to live on what he gets. I had to quit about a month ago, due to illness, but I really need to get another job asap, and he is insisting which i completely understand, because as I said, money is a problem. He's not formally cheating, he doesn't go out without me or have any dating site profiles. There are no strange females on his phone or facebook. He has had girls cheat on him in the past, so i really don't think he would. His sister-in-law also assures me he's not like that. So while it is a bit of a concern, it's not my primary worry.
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A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (27 April 2014):
 I think the best thing to do is to sit down and ask him. You moved in together very early on and now you've hit a point where things are not where YOU want them to be but he might be perfectly content and happy but has just slowed down a bit like all relationships do - so ask him!
If things are not how YOU want them and he doesn't feel like living up to your high standards then perhaps it is time to look elsewhere?
Perhaps he isn't happy with the way you are and has only realized that recently? I'm not saying you're the problem, but what I am saying is that the pair of you may well be looking for different things and perhaps just could have waited a little bit longer before moving in and finding out that it wasn't quite what one or both of you hoped for.
Sometimes a chat can go a long way though! There might be other things going on with him that you're not aware of that have nothing to do with you but with something outside the home, so open up and see where it goes!? If things can't get back to where you both want to be then it might be time to move on!
Good luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): Although I to some extent agree with RevMick's comment that all men look at images of naked women/porn etc., I would say that the fact you are only having sex a few times a month is a massive sign that something is wrong, if your sex life was really good before.
The lack of sex and preferring to look at other women online rather than come to bed indicates something underhand is going on. He no longer wants to be intimate with you, he is withholding sex for a reason. Basically he is preferring masturbation to sex with his partner and/or is looking to cheat/already is. These are signs of a dishonest partner. Do be careful. It could well be he no longer wants to be with you and has given up in his mind and doesn't know what to do. I don't think dressing up will resolve this. It's not about titillating him. He's lost interest in you as an individual, not just in the bedroom.
Time for a serious chat. I also think you moved in together way too fast.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 April 2014): Sounds as if he is bored and wants out to me. The fact that he prefers looking at women online to having a healthy sex life with you is really odd. Some people do find their sexual interest waning as a relationship progresses, but THIS early on... to not want sex. It's very odd. Is he maybe cheating on you while you're at work? Does he have a job?
Maybe he is feeling emasculated, as a reader pointed out below. I'm not sure though. To suddenly not want sex for a man his age this early in a relationship is very strange. I'd say he is getting it elsewhere or planning to. Are you both from different cultures?
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim  +, writes (27 April 2014):
 Three months of dating before you moved in wasn't really long enough for you to determine what sort of man he really was, you were still in the honeymoon stage and on your best behaviour.
It would appear the honeymoon is well and truly over for you as a couple and then man you have there is the man in his true form.
There is nothing you can do to change him, because any change has to come from within himself, he will have to WANT to change.
My suggestion is move out, and don't let him move back in until he woos you, loves you and cherishes you for a period lasting more than 12 months.
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A
male
reader, RevMick  +, writes (27 April 2014):
 Hi,Thank you for the question. I don't think you are clingy or whiney, these things can affect us at any age and has nothing to do with being a teenager. (We just get more used to it as we get older).From what you describe, when you got a job it made him feel 'emasculated' you had taken the traditional man and provider role when you got the job.Does he work too? Are you paid more?That can make a man, feel very unneeded and as though he doesn't now need to provide or look after you. As for looking at other scantily clad women, I'm afraid most men do that and it takes a lot to break out of that habit.It could also be as you suggest, he doesn't feel that into you any more and is looking around. Or it could be that he want's you to spice things up.Have you considered getting dressed up (in the bedroom)?
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