A
female
age
30-35,
*ianyue
writes:First of all, I'd like to thank anyone who takes the time to read my question in advance. You see, there is this guy, my ex. We dated for 6 months and had a relationship that was all I had ever wanted. He was honest, caring, understanding and just fun to be around. A few months into the relationship, he hit a rough patch and began to not care about anything.. so he went out to a bar with his coworkers and slow danced with another girl. Normally, this wouldn't be a big issue.. but it was to me. The reason for this is that every guy I have been with throughout my relationship history has cheated on me, so it's hard to believe that he just slow danced with this girl. This incident really hurt me, but I still stayed with him for a couple more months until he started college where he met a new female friend. He told me that the girl was interested, playing with his sweater strings, always hugging him and telling him that she missed him. Now, a female friend is no issue to me as long as they respect that he is in a relationship. HOWEVER, my ex did not even notify the girl that we were even together, he allowed the flirtatious behaviour to continue. I waited weeks on end for him to tell her, but it took him a month to do so.. by this time, it was too late and I broke up with him. We are still talking and trying to figure things out, but it's really hard to do so after the blow up we had because of his female friend. Since then, he has been trying to make an effort to 'win me back' by trying to show me that he loves me, which I was starting to believe.. Until I found out that he was chatting with even more new females on a social networking site. In fact, he began to have sexual conversations over text messaging with her. He says that he's on autopilot when this occurs, that he doesn't care about it nor does he touch himself to it, he just wants to give the girl what she wants. What he is doing is really hurting me, and I'm no longer sure if he even wants me anymore. I told him he should go sleep with another girl if sex is that important to him since I am not as adventurous or open when it comes to sexual matters. Am I wrong in doing this? Is it wrong to believe that he really doesn't want me based on his actions?
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female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 Ok lets go through your follow up bit by bit:
1. He said affectionate roleplaying turned sexual with this girl - does that mean you are ok that he is getting affectionate with another girl? I think him getting affectionate with another girl via text is just as bad as sexting - neither should be tolerated.
2. He did eventually tell the girl he was taken - but he took ages which meant he was massively disrepecting you and he didnt care. You cant do that in a relationship, if he loved you and was proud to be with you he would have told her right away. This is not good enough, at all.
3. The situation is always changing because he is a liar - he is telling you one thing and more than likely doing another. This is classic cheater/liar behaviour, they can feed you the lines you want to hear (I love you so much, I know what I did was wrong, I'm sorry, I want to make it up to you...blah blah blah) and because they know you are a pushover they know you are going to buy it. I bet he always has some sort of relationship going on with another girl at all times, whether this is just an overly flirtatous friendship or sexting, it sounds like he will always have multiple women on the go in some form. And he will lie to you about it until you find out, at which point he comes crawling back feeding you the same old lines.
4. You cannot stay with someone because they were great in the past. That is not good enough - he should be great 24/7!
5. The fact he was cheated on in the past makes his behaviour even worse, he will know that you were cheated on too I presume? So he knows how hurt you have been before, he knows how it feels to be cheated on...yet he does this to you? That is the lowest of the low, he knows how much he is hurting you yet he is happy to do it...he really doesnt love you or care about you otherwise he would not do that to you. When you know what that pain feels like you wouldnt want to inflict that on someone else, yet that is exactly what he is doing to you.
6. You were not wrong to tell him to go and have sex, as clearly that is what he wants (I definitely 100% believe after you have told us that, that he is the one that initiates the sexting, he is lying to you if he says it is the girl that started it) - but it wouldnt make things better. The only thing that will make this better is for you to end the relationship once and for all so you can both move on.
Let me repeat what I said earlier - You need to cut contact with him once and for all, he is messing you around probably along with lots of other girls too. He really cannot be trusted and you dont want someone like this in your life. Dont waste anymore time on him, he really isnt worth it. Cut him out of your life, delete his number etc and move on. This guy is trouble.
You can do a lot better than him, stop holding on just because of some distant memory from the past when he wasnt acting like a jerk. For whatever reason he has changed, and he has treated you horribly, and he is continuing to do so. This relationship is not working and never will ever again because you dont trust him and after all that has happened the trust wont come back.
It has gotten to the point now where too much water has passed under the bridge, there is no going back. There will be plenty of guys out there who will love you and treat you with respect and would never hurt you like this, especially in light of your past.
End this once and for all, otherwise you will just go round and round in circles feeling hurt by all his flirtateous antics.
I hope this helps and good luck!
A
female
reader, Jianyue +, writes (25 November 2011):
Jianyue is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHe is a flirt, naturally, and I knew this from the beginning. He has said that the girl started roleplaying with him, interacting in affectionate matters then it slowly turns into sexual matters. He eventually did tell the girl at school that he was taken, and since then she has respected that.. she even wanted to message me and tell me that there was nothing going on. I just don't know what to do anymore.. He told me that he doesn't want to have sex with others, especially the girl that he has been sexting since he just wants to be with me, and that its morally wrong for him to do that since he wants me. I'm just so confused over this, it's hard to know what to think when it feels like the situation is always changing. I did start demanding that he goes and does sexual matters with this girl - I know it sounds stupid, but I didn't know what else to do. I just would rather him be happy, even if it means that it isn't with me. He rarely initiates with me because of my past, seeing as I was forced into sexual matters in a previous relationship, so he has respected my boundaries. It's just so hard to be going through this.. It just really hurt because the first sexting occurence happened when I was reaching out to him for help, something that I rarely do.. so even this posting is a first for me. I would like to stay with him, because I know that he can be a great guy, he has shown me that in the past. He hasn't had the greatest past, two of his girlfriends cheated on him, and he had found out through the internet that these girls were no longer faithful. I've tried to show him what real feelings are, that a girl can care and is capable of being faithful to a guy. Since this has occurred, he said that he will stop sexting this girl. But I find it hard to believe him.. Why would he start that now, after all that has happened? We had an arguement a couple of days ago, and one of the things he said was "God I just want to fuck someone!", so I told him, why don't you, we aren't together and there's nothing holding you back. Was it wrong of me to say this, even though it really hurt me? I'd just like to make things better, for the both of us.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused  +, writes (25 November 2011):
 How you feel is how you feel.... you can't control it. all you can do is control your actions.
Personally I don't see much hope for this relationship...
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (25 November 2011):
I dont know the answers to all of your questions but this guy is a massive flirt, a liar and very likely a cheat. Stay away!!!
Dont get back with him, you are absolutely justified in feeling hurt by all his actions - he has zero respect for you and his excuses are pure crap.
The fact that he didnt tell his new female 'friend' that he had a girlfriend sums it all up - he wants as many women chasing him as possible, he loves attention and he always will. He will have loved that she was flirting with him, she was his college girlfriend and you were the loyal girlfriend back at home.
And the whole 'oh I'm only sending sexual texts to give her what she wants' - first of all if he cared enough about you he wouldnt care about her at all, never mind to 'give her what she wants'. I am 99% certain that he will initiate the sexting, women rarely start the dirty talk, it is always the man so it will be your ex that is starting it all off.
You need to cut contact with him once and for all, he is messing you around probably along with lots of other girls too. He really cannot be trusted and you dont want someone like this in your life. Dont waste anymore time on him, he really isnt worth it. Cut him out of your life, delete his number etc and move on. This guy is trouble.
I hope this helps and good luck!
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