A
female
age
51-59,
*sicili14
writes:My boyfriend's female friend makes me uncomfortable. He is always adoring me most times. But when we all hang out and she drinks, she rubs his head,or hugs him when I leave the room; she lifted his shirt to see his belt buckle design. It drives me nuts. He's known her a long time and has always been close to her. Im not sure I'm over reacting but I just feel insecure with it. Advice?
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female
reader, Youcannotbeserious  +, writes (3 March 2018):
 I assumed this was a post by a teenager, then saw your age. Sweetheart, you are better than this!
He may have known her for a long time but he chose to date YOU. Either this is just normal behaviour for her after years of friendship with him, or she is a tad insecure herself and wanting to stay "in touch" with your boyfriend by being touchy feely and reminding him she is still there.
It's a shame you cannot be grown up enough to see this behaviour for what it is and not feel threatened by it. It's not like she is jumping on him and simulating sex with him or anything. I mean, rubbing his head or inspecting his belt buckle? You find that threatening? I would smile wryly and think "sad" and show your boyfriend you are a better person than to feel this woman is any threat to you. If he had wanted her, he would have been with her.
The only thing you can control easily in this situation is your attitude towards her behaviour. See it for what it is - someone trying to "mark her territory" because a new female is on the block - and work on your own insecurities. Just because he is going out with you does not mean he should drop his friends or not speak to other women. Keep reminding yourself "HE HAS CHOSEN ME" and learn to be secure in that.
A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (2 March 2018):
 Have you spoke to him about how this makes you feel? You have the right to feel the way you do, but you need to talk to him and tell him. Next time she lifts his shirt ask her politely not to, if she is waiting until you leave the room then tell your boyfriend there must be a reason why! As for rubbing his head and hugging him, well personally I cannot see the issue. But if you are insecure and you feel she is doing it to wind you up then talk to your partner.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 March 2018): Why are you telling us? Tell him that it makes you uncomfortable.
When you commit to a person, you have to set boundaries and guidelines within the relationship with behavior around exes and other people. If you've never set boundaries with your boyfriend, now is the time. "Hon, I don't like it when your lady-friend is pawing all over you. Especially when I leave the room!" This lets him know you've seen it with your own eyes and he can't deny it.
If you get a man who has lady-friends who don't show respect for you or your relationship, and he doesn't say or do anything about it. He doesn't respect you or the relationship either. He'll play dumb; that's so it can continue because he benefits from it.
If you want to trust him, then lay-down the rules. If he doesn't want your old boyfriends or random guys playing touchy-feely with you; don't let other women feel him up in-front of you, or behind your back. He already knows it's wrong for her to be touching him like he's in a three-way. Which may be her objective. Close the door on any possibility. In any case, it is blatant disrespect.
If it continues after you have addressed it, protect your dignity and walk-away. You can stay and fight over him; but at your mature and sophisticated age; how would that make you look?
If you have to fight over a man, it means he isn't giving-up the other female. It's then left-up to you if you want to stay, but his message is that she's not going anywhere.
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A
female
reader, Jellybean861 +, writes (2 March 2018):
Even if two people of the opposite sex have been close friends for a v long time, I think that they should both show you the respect that you deserve and observe the correct boundaries. What is possibly appropriate between people when they are single can become inappropriate when one or both of them are in a relationship as it is a different relationship then (if that makes sense?)Have you told your BF that it feels inappropriate to you and you feel uncomfortable/disrespected when she is overly intimate with him? If not perhaps it time to, and ask him to ask her to tone it down and show you respect. If he doesn’t or he does but she ignores it then you may need to reconsider the relationship as his loyalty should be to you first and foremost I hope that helps - I am an older woman but IMO respect is an absolutely minimal requirement for any relationship
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