A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Well I had a bf (he's 35, I'm 26) that I had been dating for about five months. We got along great and were very much inlove. When we were getting to know each other we had talked a little about our exes. He had told me that he had been married and had only been in love once in his life with his ex wife (this was 13 yrs ago). Well I didn't think much of it. In any case he had told me that he was very much inlove with me and that I was the one and that he loved me more than he loved her or anybody he had been with. I believed him and everything was fine. Well we started arguing alot because he was very jealous. Well one time we got in an argument and he went to stay over his sisters house (who I had met once before). So his sister knew that we were arguing. Well I called there once and he wasn't home and me and his sister started talking. And she was just telling me that she really liked me and that she was hoping we could work it out, etc. And she was just trying to convince me that her brother is a great guy and that I should hang in there. And then she asked me if I knew that he had been married 13 years ago. And I kind of raised an eyebrow and said yes. And she told me that he had been madly inlove with her and that he has never been the same since. And that she felt that he was scared of falling inlove again and that is why he acted jealous. Well I didn't ask her to elaborate on why he had never been the same since(I wish I had). But the whole conversation confused me so much. Here I am, thinking I am this great girl who he is so in love with, and his sister mentions his ex wife to me?! ANd how he has never been the same?! What?So of course I asked him about that and he got mad that his sister would say that. But then I started to get more curious about this relationship he had. Anyways, I asked him why he had never been the same, and he didn't really know what to say. So I asked him if he was over her and he said yes. But then I asked him how long it took him to get over her and he said it took him about 4-5 years to get over her. Which I found so weird. 4-5 years?! And then I find out that his mother said that I look alot like his ex wife (which I do!!). What does this all mean?? Is he really over her?? Why is a relationship of 13 yrs ago so significant for his family members to mention? And is it normal to take 4-5 years to get over someone?Please answer all of my questions. I know that what they said is inappropriate. But I really do believe that there MUST be some truth to what they are saying. And I don't want to be in another girls shadow. I am so bothered. I don't want someone else's baggage!
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female
reader, happytochat  +, writes (30 August 2007):
Why is it so important to his family members? Because she was his wife. She BECAME part of their family. Thats why. They were married for 13 years too which is a fair while considering many marriages these days dont last long and often end in divorce very soon.
Is it 'normal' to take 4-5 years to get over someone? Everyone is different. It depends on the level and deepness of your feelings for the person, how dependent you were on them and baicaly the type of person you are and what you know. If you dont know how to move on fro ma relationship then you just simply wont until you work it out. So perhaps the reason it took him so long was that he simply didnt have the tools or the means for moving on. He didnt know how. If she was his first love, then it would of been his first time of tryign to move on from someone. Break ups effect everyone differently. There is no 'normal' way of dealing with it.
Has he really moved on from her? I dont think I can really judge on that. It really does depend on what you mean by 'move on'? I mean really, what is moving on from someone? Does it mean never wanting to be in a relationship with them again? Does it mean although you are sad about it ending, learning to accept that and looking at new opportunities? Personaly I would define moving on as what I suggested second...accepting the relatioship has ended and despite how you feel about it, whether you wish it could continue or not, you accept that it wont work and that is has ended, so you are prepared to look for new oppotunities in life. And from what I have read it seems to me that this is what he is doing. Just because he 'hasnt been the same again' doesnt mean that he hasnt moved on from his ex wife. People change you. They come into your life and they affect you and things are never the smae again. People influcne you. Each expeirence we go through (such as break ups) we [hopefully] learn from them possibily make changes in our life.
As for you looking like his ex wife, well everyone has a 'type' they are attracted too. So this is probably all it is...
A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit  +, writes (30 August 2007):
 I'm the poster. I don't know what you mean by "a relationship built up in his mind." What does that mean?
For some people when they are in a relationship, they start to envision a future with this person...kids, good times, bad times, what life will be like, etc...Consciously we know the difference between fantasy and reality, but our SUBconscious minds do NOT. In losing that relationship, he has also lost the entire life future he projected in his mind. That is why for some people they really feel like they lose their lives at the end of a relationship.
And how do you get closure?
For me, I had to see my ex, and talk about the future we could of had, but did not have. It was the only way for me to let go of the relationship I built up in my head.
And what is the pain he is not over? The pain of losing her?
For me it was the pain of being so sure abouot myself. I was so sure it would all work out, and when it did not, it made me question EVERYTHING I ever beleived in. I lost the ability to trust my own judgment. That, and havng to realise that no matter how much work you put into it, there is always a chance things will not end happily ever after.
What does he feel is unresolved about his ex?
See above. Maybe he also feels that if he were to do something different the relationship would not have ended. Thus, he still sees it as something he could have fixed.
I guess I have never felt that way before so I have difficulty understanding it...
Have you ever been in a serious relationship before?
-Frank B Kermit
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2007): I'm the poster. I don't know what you mean by "a relationship built up in his mind." What does that mean? And how do you get closure?
And what is the pain he is not over? The pain of losing her?
What does he feel is unresolved about his ex?
I guess I have never felt that way before so I have difficulty understanding it...
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A
male
reader, Frank B Kermit +, writes (30 August 2007):
What does this all mean??
Chances are his family just wants to see him happy, and they think you will make him happy. His sister getting involved was not good, but he started it when instead of staying with you to deal with it like a man, or going to a motel, he went to her place, involving her. When you spoke to her, you did the right thing. Save it for him, not her. She is his sister, but she is not the one you are in a relationship with.
Is he really over her??
Can not say....would he take her back now if she gave him the chance assuming you weren't around? If yes, he is not over her. If no, then he is over her, but not over the pain.
Why is a relationship of 13 yrs ago so significant for his family members to mention?
He went through a crissis and it seems that it changed him on a deep level. I went through this as well with my ex fiance. Wrote about it in my autobiography. That relationship changed everything for me, as it shattered every beleif I ever had about relationships. He does not sound over the pain.
I think what he needs is closure. He has to get closure on the relationship he BUILT UP IN HIS MIND with her. That is how I found MY redemption.
And is it normal to take 4-5 years to get over someone?
It took me 7 years to get over my ex, but again, I got closure on my past.
As for you looking like his ex, it just means he is attracted to a certain body type or look. I went out with a girl or two that looked like my exs, but only becuase I like certain looks and body types. What is an issue I think is that he is unresolved about his ex. THAT is the red flag.
My autobiography From Loser to Seducer, may be able to help you understand him, and him understand himself as I have been exactly there.
Do not get serious with him. He has to exorcise his own demons first.
-Frank B Kermit
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