A
female
age
36-40,
*ove08
writes:Hey, I was hoping you'd be able to shed some light or give me some advice on some of the things that our relationship has been facing lately. I have been with my boyfriend for 8 months now, I'm 20 and he's 22, we both are at uni, and both share the same dreams for our future together. Everything has been great, my family love him and until now I have felt a part of his family too. Recently his family went to a family event (indian) where one of the members of his extended family suggested that my boyfriend thinks about marriage soon etc... and that they have seen us both together (we are both very open about our relationship and aren't afraid to show it in public as we thought that we were doing everything right and respectably as both our parents knew about us) anyway, this man said he had seen me and my bf together and that he has seen me smoke. now, smoking is considered bad in the asian community, so his mum has turned around and requested that i smoke in private to save her face etc. fair enough i can understand that to an extent. but it isn't the first time that we have had to change our plans to suit her. and now she has told my boyfriend that i am to stay around their house once a week, and when he asked why, she said its that or nothing at all. this caused an argument between us both as i felt he wasn't fighting for what's important to him and i felt as though he didn't care. it just so happened that the day we argued (yesterday) was his little brothers birthday - (who throughout the time i have been with my bf we have had to set our time around as we have had to pick him up from school and now the summer holidays have began we will have no time to ourselves as we will be looking after him while his parents are at work.) and they now hate me for spoiling it - i have a lot of repercussions to deal with, i don't think they will like me for a long time. i truly love my boyfriend but i am so afraid of his family coming in between us. he reassures me that nothing will get in between us but if he doesn't stick up for what he wants then his mum will carry on setting rules - what's next? I know this has gone on a bit but please write back to me with your advice, thank u.
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female
reader, Love08 +, writes (3 August 2008):
Love08 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your replies and advice... the night before he came over to my house to see my parents for the evening, and i ended up telling my parents the situation, they acted as mediators, unbiased, and we just got a whole load of our chests... my partner has said in front of both my parents that he is set on marrying me and working for our future and my parents have said to us that they will be here for us no matter what. Since getting everything out in the air we seem to be so much better - not taking it out on each other now, and we both see each others predicament. all i know is that i truly love him and that he does too, just as much if not more, my parents are supportive and dote on him and at the end of the day i shouldn't have to win his parents over - as long as he is happy they should be able to see that i am the one for him. i am just going to be civil and polite, and yes to a degree do what they want us to do - the time will soon come where we will finish our degrees and move in together, as they say patience is a virtue... but i think this has definitely made us both appreciate our time together more. i'm glad you replied to my message as it made me see things from every side. thank you once again guys.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 July 2008): I would not put much faith in the future of your relationship. Mine started like yours did and trust me I married the guy and the problems just got worse and worse. Find a guy who is a little bit more mature and who has a caring family - save yourself any more struggle and heartache as it will just grind you down.
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A
female
reader, sappygirl  +, writes (30 July 2008):
 okay..
your boyfriend is caught in the middle. You have to understand, he's known his family for 22 years..and been with you for 8 months. Even though you love him, your asking him to choose you over his family. And your not even married.
If you want his family to respect you and like you.
you have to respect them. Sounds like he still lives at home, and like it or not, he has to still respect and follow their rules.
His parents wants to know that their son is being with someone that is a good influence on him. So if I were you, I would do what the parents say..win them over.
I know you don't like this answer, but that is just the way it is. Esp in the Asian community. They all show off and save face around relatives and friends.
I bet you if you do this. your boyfriend will love you more.
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A
male
reader, xray2112  +, writes (30 July 2008):
Well my dear, to say you are in the beginnings of a difficult future is an understatement. There are so many issues here but the main ones are acceptance (or lack of), and your relationship with your boyfriend.
Not just his mother but anyone has to accept you as you. She wants you to be who SHE wants you to be and if something as small as you having a smoke is an issue with her, just wait until she doesn't like the way you clean, or the things you cook, or if in the future there are children.....
You and your boyfriend have been together such a short time and are both so young. You two need to be focusing on each other and not on families. Spend your time together and develop a bond that will be unbreakable. Build a love that when anyone says anything to you or about you, he will defend you to the end. The two of you are going to have things of your own to get through so really get to know and love each other first. Then you'll find that compromise is so easy.
I'm afraid this whole thing is a two way street. The only way she is going to change is by seeing what a wonderful girl you are and how much you love her son. So you are going to have to not let some things get to you, and to a degree, do some things to make others happy without losing who you are. At the same time, your boyfriend MUST step up and keep his mother in line. I understand respecting your parents etc., but he is a man now and not the little boy his mother will always see.
But focus on yourselves my dear. If it means not spending as much time with everyone else so be it. As for this bit with your boyfriend's brother, he is your boyfriend's parent's kid, not his or yours. Of course you are the one who is going to be the cause of all dissention. There is no getting around that. You are the outsider.
The bottom line is if you truly love your boyfriend and can actually see everything working for the two of you. Not with the family, but just for you two, then build a wall of love around yourselves. After 30 years of marriage, I still weep when I look at my wife because I love her so much. She is my world and my everything.
If you can't see see things getting any better, you have to ask yourself "is this what I really want? Am i going to be happy?" If not, you had better nip it in the bud and do yourself a favour and walk away. It's hard to do but you'll get over it.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (30 July 2008):
Well he obviously puts his family above you. His mum is being mental, and very old fashioned and you have to decide if:
a) you can put up with his family being this way
and
b) the fact you will always come second to his family.
if you can't put up with both of those then you need to tell him you can't and that he needs to be on your side or you are off. There are plenty of men out there who you could have instead.
Good Luck!! xx
PS. Smoking is bad.
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