A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Please bear with me as this could be long.I got into a relationship a while ago with a man who I'd been friends with for a while. Things were great to start and as we'd been friends so long our families and friends all got along with each other. It was perfect.10 months into our relationship I found out he'd been texting and meeting up with a woman he'd once had a brief fling with. He swore nothing physical had happened and it was purely a friendly thing, she said otherwise.Having been cheated on several times in the past I felt I wouldn't be able to forgive him so after much talking I sat him down and told him I couldn't be with him anymore and he begged me to believe him.As upset as I was, I told him I couldn't trust him and therefore couldn't be with him.He left and I didn't hear anything from him.About 4 or 5 days later he turned up on my doorstep and looked a state - said he couldn't cope without me etc. I almost felt sorry for him but I stood by my decision and said I couldn't be with him at the moment at least but maybe in time I could get past it - never say never sort of thing. He left and appeared much happier.That afternoon I got a call from his best friend saying he was in hospital having taken an overdose. I rushed to the hospital and thankfully he was ok.He had counselling and we stayed in touch as friends but he made it clear he wanted more. A year on and we have decided to give things another go and so far it's been great.One big problem though - his friends and family now won't have anything at all to do with me as they blame me for the overdose. His mum has even text me begging me to leave him as 'god knows what you'll drive him to do next'. I've tried reasoning with them but they aren't willing to talk to me at all. It's making things very hard as we used to do a lot with his family and all our friends but now his friends which became our friends before, now hate me with a passion.He's talked to them but they've apparently all said they don't have a problem with me and he's kind of buried his head in the sand about it. I don't know what to do; the relationship itself is going great but me struggling to deal with this constant hatred from his family and friends.
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female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 I'm late to this one, you've had some really great advice here. I just want to point something out to you.
You are the emotional mopping up person. You are the one who was cheated on and had to deal with it. You were the one who was expected to take him back because he became suicidal. He became suicidal due to his own choices, but that's apparently also something you are expected to suck up and feel the pain.
It's obvious that he's thrown you under the bus as far as his family and friends are concerned. If they ALL hate you, send you 'leave him before you cause more harm' type of messages and basically lay the blame for his OD on you, then he's done a really piss poor crappy lousy awful job of FIXING HIS OWN ISSUES.
He's brilliantly managed to get you to hold the emotional abuse bag. "Who me? No I'm just fine, it's Julia here who is kind of the problem. Abuse her, not me, I'm too weak and fragile and you never know I might try to do it again! Boohoo! Boohoo!"
You say he's put his head in the sand.
Guess what.
Things are NOT going great. He's not dealing with the nonsense you are experiencing.
He's a big boohooing wimpy manipulator who uses other people to do his emotional dirty work. You have to pay for dumping him, and he's figured out how to manipulate his family and friends into doing so. You take the family/friend pressure so he doesn't have to.
Stop doing it. Tell him to deal with it as it arises. Tell them to talk to him.
Personally, I would bow out and leave him and his dysfunctional family and friends to pound on each other instead of me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): Again, OP, time and patience, that's all you can do.
You're up against it in many ways here and I honestly don't know why you went back into this at all.
It's a mess and he's a mess, and it seems to have gotten worse.
OP you do realise that any opinion his family and friends have of you mainly come from what he's been telling them right? I mean back when his mother was telling you you shouldn't have left him over that, who's the one who put it in her head that you were in the wrong? That's right him.
Again I think you're taking this too personally, they're trying to protect him from himself and seeing as he won't listen to them they're trying to get you to see sense.
They're not the problem here, OP, he is. What would you do with a loved one that messed up and manipulative?
If I had a friend like that I'd want him to stay single until he sorts his head out and can date in a healthy way. But frankly, OP, I don't have manipulative cowards who fake a suicide attempt to get what they want as a friends.
This guy has a pattern of deeply disturbing behaviour when it comes to having his own way. If he doesn't get it, out come the pills. How is that a person you see a future with?
No offence OP but I think you should have stuck to your guns the first time and not fallen for that shit. It's worked, he knows it works and next time his "cry for help" may not go as planned and he'll fuck it up.
Let the family and friends go, you wouldn't like this situation at all if it was your loved one and you wouldn't want to have to look in the face of the person he has them believing is almost responsible for his death either.
If you're going to go ahead with this then just keep going, if they send you messages, ignore them. You know why they're doing it.
Above all it's not going to stop, so you either put up, shut up or you walk. Sorry to put it so bluntly, OP, but that's the reality of your situation. There is nothing you can say or do to change their minds. You represent a real danger to this guy's life, not you as a person but the toxic effect being with women has on this guy's mind and the lengths he will go to keep them.
OP I've had bad break ups, I'm sure you've had others too and they make you nuts, you can do utterly stupid things and even dangerous things but to go to the level of a suicide attempt to get a person back means relationships are life threatening for that person and they shouldn't be getting involved in them because they seriously are not emotionally strong enough to deal with the consequences.
So I say it again, OP, patience and let the idea of a rosy romance and nice times with his friends and family out of your head. If they blame you for what's happened to him, then that's because he's put it in their head that it's all your fault.
As for his mother she's in the worst position in all of this. Can you imagine you had a son like him? Can you imagine what it must be like for her in terms of worrying about him? She raised him, OP, she knows what he's like. She's probably tried everything to get him to change but she's dealing with how he acts all her life and knows her only hope is to talk you out of it.
OP whatever way you look at this you're talking about a very messed up and vulnerable guy, none of it is your fault but to them getting rid of you is the only solution after what happened last time, and a huge part of that is because he's been the one putting the idea that you're no good into their heads.
OP his mother has been the most reasonable in all of this. When she heard his side and thought it was just friends she sided with him, when you said you can't trust him she said leave him, even now she's not blaming you for anything she's just worried about what being with you is going to do to him. Again what else can she do? She has a son so messed up the possibility of getting a knock on the door from some sullen looking police officers is something that hangs over her head constantly.
Maybe you can just close your eyes to all that and ignore it, but she can't. She will do everything in her power to protect her son and it'll take a hell of a long time for her to see this relationship has a safe and happy future for him if it even has.
If you want to tell them to stop bothering you that you're not leaving him. While I wouldn't be in your position in the first place, if I was, I'd remain polite, ignore the messages unless they were questions and play it very neutral and balanced. I'd watch my back constantly with this guy too, he has a very warped mindset and I'd triple up on contraception and make sure there are no kids in this. His head is a complete mess.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 I don't think they hate you, OP. They're not concerned about what you will do to him, but what he will do to himself. Since they can't trust him to be reasonable and rational they're hoping you will be.
This guy is no different from what he was before you caught him chatting up other women. His priority is, and probably always will be, his own immediate gratification. He wants what he wants when he wants it and if he can't have it someone is going to pay.
His half assed suicide attempt was nothing more than manipulation. He wanted you to know that if you didn't take him back you'd be sorry.
You should have stood by your original decision. Placing your trust in those who have proven themselves to be untrustworthy is not conducive to your own well being. You can forgive people, but that doesn't mean taking them back.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): It sounds very much as if you are being blamed for something which is not your responsibility. He chose to attempt suicide and it is not your fault, he must have been severely depressed in the first place and you ending it is not the reason why he attempted it.His family saying YOU are going to DRIVE him to do something is truly disgusting. You didn't drive him to do what he did, for goodness sake he was carrying on with another woman behind your back only 10 months into the relationship, you ended it because he would not admit the truth/you never for the full story and if he decided to try to end his life, well sorry, he only brought that on himself.This may sound harsh but I have had depression, I survived 3 suicide attempts in my twenties and depression/suicide are never quite that simple as "someone made me do it". His family sound like an abusive bunch of loons, blaming it on you is VERY abusive and insulting. I am actually surprised that you choose to have anything more to do with him. If you never got to the bottom of what REALLY happened with this woman he once had a "fling" with and who was telling the truth - no smoke without fire - then how do you know what he is doing now/will do in the future? He sounds like a manipulative so and so with no backbone.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): His family and friends text me constantly with abuse and tell me to leave him, that's why I'm bringing myself in to it!
They know how happy we were before this other woman became a problem. They know that she told me a very different version of events to what he told me. His mothers answer to it is that I shouldn't have left him over that, after all he is entitled to have female friends!! (Female friends that he keeps secret for months, lies to me about his whereabouts so he can see her and possibly even have a physical, intimate relationship with if I am to believe her side)
When I originally left him it was his mother who said if I can't trust him I should break it off - I followed her advice and he overdosed.
I should have mentioned he also did the same thing before when his ex broke up with him - but they love her and his friends are all still friendly with her and she regularly pops round his parents house for a catch up..
It was his birthday last month and he wanted to go out for dinner as a bug group - 18 people were invited and only 2 showed up, the rest saying they weren't prepared to go unless I didn't.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (10 April 2014):
 You need to understand that the family and friends are just concerned what another break up with you will do to him. You need to be patient and in a way earn their trust - its not like you have done anything wrong, they just scared what if you leave him again - they are afraid he will do something stupid. Be patient and once they can trust that he is in safe hands they will ease up on you, if they don't grow a thick skin.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): Just to add. Make sure you're not badgering him about this either, OP. Let it go. This relationship won't stay great if you're trying to push for things he can't give you, with them in his other ear telling him it's a bad idea too, it'll be a bit much.Be very careful here, OP, you're playing with fire. Losing you nearly killed him and you just went straight back to being a big part of his life after that overdose. So you could say it had the desired effect for him, he got you to not leave him and now even has you back completely. That's really not the best foundations for a relationship. You're going to have to be very patient and delicate here, OP. You can't just brush all this stuff aside and feel hard done by.
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): OP they don't have a problem with you, they have a problem with what being with you has meant for him. It nearly killed him, OP.
And you're here making this about you. It's nothing to do with you as a person it's to do with a situation that made him try and kill himself, OP, and he's gone straight back into that.
You need to get over the fact that a family would absolutely hate the idea of him putting himself in that position again.
That's like expecting the family of a heroin addict who overdosed to be fine with that person taking heroin again.
You can't have your rosy little romance that includes the people who care about him yet, because if it goes wrong again then what are they left with? You can't just erase that episode from their minds, OP, and they don't blame you for that at all because none of it was your fault.
I honestly don't get why you're making this all about you, they've been very clear about this. His mother has told you she's worried about the effect of you getting together, in terms of what he may do this time if it goes wrong. He's told you they don't have a problem with you and they've probably all warned him about getting with you again.
You've tried reasoning with them. What were those reasons? Because unless they include ways you can guarantee their loved one isn't going to die this time then there's nothing you can say.
Let it go, OP, and just enjoy the relationship. Understanding why they think what they do, that it's nothing to with you and it'll take time for them to see there's no risk of a repeat episode is all you can do.
You'll just have to be patient. You're expecting a mother to just be okay with her son being back in a situation that nearly caused his death. Try and empathise with why that may take a bit of time to become okay for her, and stop struggling with the idea that things aren't how they were before.
I don't know anyone who'd be happy in his loved one's situation, and I certainly would not get back with a person that nearly died from our relationship. I'd be horrified if one of my loved ones went back into that risk again too.
You and he have a lot to prove to a lot of people before they'll be fine with things, and nothing either of you can say will change that. Time is the only proof.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 April 2014): I'm not sure how I'd feel about my boyfriend chatting up someone who he'd had a thing with, even briefly. Even if I hadn't been cheated on continuously. His family is just looking for an outlet to blame and you are the perfect person for that. If the texts get worse, I would consider taking it to court or simply changing your number.
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