A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I know this is long, but it covers the "high points" Please read...I am 23yrs old. I have been dating a man who is 39yrs old. We practically live together with his 2 sisters and his 2 kids.I gave this man everything I could, I sacrficed so much of my youth for him, drove him everywhere, vonlunterly paid, got his financial life back on track and helped with his children school, as any girlfriend should. But he also did his part as a man.After 2 years of our relationship things seemed pretty smooth expect for some speedbumps every relationship encounters... He has an ex who he has no commitment to (no children or previous marriage) just an ex who is 28yrs old. Everytime we went out and he got drunk he would always tell me about how perfect their relationship was, and how his family loves her more than they love me (because they barely talk to me). I would listen at first, but after the first year of our relationship I got tired of it and tried telling him it's inappropiate to talk to me about his ex. Instead of understanding me, he began to text her in my car, call her in my car, and when he thought I was asleep he would talk to her on the phone in bed with me-- and she would know I'm with him. Through this first year I would get mad and leave his house and go to my mothers house. the next day he would call me desperately apologizing.As this went on, evenetually the ex girlfriend got tired and relaized he wants to be with me so she changed her number. But it didn't stop him, he contacted her via facebook and when he wanted to talk to her, he would ask her to call him and she would, knowing he was with me at that moment.I tried to go places where I could control his drinking, but it wasn't a success.As the second year approaches she just had a baby with another man, who she is not with (she claims) and my boyfriend would still talk to her when he gets drunk via facebook.I do have his password to facebook and I see these messages and she still wants him back. I never revealed to him I know his password so everything they write via facebook I pretend I don't see it or know of it.But after she had her baby with another man he started to write things like "I dont believe you had a baby, we couldve worked things out, but now its different and I'm happy with my girlfriend (me)" the exgirlfriend would reply "It was a mistake, but I tried, I'm not with the man and the man will never see his baby, I want it to be you".Fortunately, my boyfriend stopped writing her for a record of 3weeks. and things were amazing between us even when he got drunk. We were truly happy.Things never last... she wrote him out of the blue (via facebook) randomly wanting to go to dinner at the restaurant he works at. And before you know it, theyre messaging everyday again. And she keeps insisting or him too, for that matter. I would still try and try to talk to him, but instead of getting mad and leaving his house, I would cry and for a couple of months he felt bad, but now he doesnt seem to care if I shed a tear.I told my boyfriend I will feel comfortable if I talk to his ex, because I understand I can't force anyone to stop talking to whoever they want, I just want my respect from her because I'm his girlfriend. He said it wouldn't make a difference. I got her email and I emailed her "leave us alone please" and she never wrote back to me for 2 weeks now... I told my boyfriend I emailed her and he told me "she doesn't care what you say because she knows you will never be her and she is good to me"This left me speechless and hurt and so many emotions...I know i need to leave him and let it go once and for all, but is there anything I can do still?I would love to save the relationship, or atleast talk to the ex and tell her what she did was wrong. she needed to have more respect... Just anything? She has her own life and family she needs to work on, why is she so fixated on my relationship and my boyfriend (her ex). She needs to realize also he only talks to her when he is drunk or if we ever got into an argument.The feeling is horrible, as a young beautiful woman, I don't deserve this. I just don't feel I should have to pay because she can't get over her breakup with my boyfriend, is there anything I can do?
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female
reader, PerhapsNot +, writes (18 August 2011):
 "I will feel comfortable if I talk to his ex, because I understand I can't force anyone to stop talking to whoever they want, I just want my respect from her because I'm his girlfriend."You got it all wrong. You don't need respect from her, you need respect from the person that you love. You need to stop thinking about his ex and her poor behavior in this mess. While she is partly responsible, your BOYFRIEND is the real culprit. As a committed man, it's his responsibility and duty to shut down anything inappropriate that may jeopardize his relationship with you. He isn't doing that. Instead he is loving the attention from his ex for whatever reason (judging by your letter, it's most likely because he is still hung up on her). So all the blame you want to throw at his ex, you should be throwing at him. No one is forcing him to respond to her the way he iss. It's all his doing and you need to accept that fact.I know you wasted a lot of your time, emotions and efforts, but luckily you're still young. You need to grow a pair of balls and get out of the situation NOW. I know you love him, but each time you have love clouding your judgement, think about what he has done to you. Forget the lovely words and look at his ACTIONS. And look at it objectively.He has COMPLETELY disrespected you during your time together and I cannot imagine how hurt and insecure he has made you feel. You have told him on multiple occasions how you feel regarding the mess with his ex, but has he done anything to change and accommodate you? Nope, he is still having a completely inappropriate relationship with his ex. Look at all the ways he has disrespected and shown you little love.1. Told you they had a perfect relationship and that his parents love her more2. He was having phone conversations with her in the car and IN BED while he is with YOU3. He is having completely inappropriate FB conversations with her, where they're discussing their past relationship and being together4. He no longer even pretends to care when you cry because of himAll that came from your letter and you know there is even more. You have shed a lot of tears because of this man because of the way he has treated you. He doesn't care or love you the way you love him; I'm sure you know this. You need to stop being a weak woman and leave. What else does he need to do to spur you to action?
A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (17 August 2011):
 You do not have a boyfriends ex problem. You have a BOYFREIND problem.
He is taking advantage of you and not respecting the relationship. He is not the only one with a choice here.
He also had a drinking problem! You are being codependant in this relationship by mothering and monitoring his actions. How exausting that must be.
This is not a relationship of equals who see eachother in high esteem and respect.
You may love him, but you need to love YOU more.
Stay out of the facebook, because that is not going to change anything, it will only make you doubt yourself and the relationship more. If he threatens to leave because you are standing up for yourself to protect your well being..then he does not think of BOTH of you being happy.
He may get an ego rush out of having his ex still want him, but it may be the competitive nature of both of you that fuels him to see how much he can get away with.
How bad does it need to get until you decide you have had enough?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThankyou, and I do know its better. But I love him sooo much. And its not healthy and certainly not a way I want to live life. How do I stop caring so easily? Some reason I still go to my resources and find out they r meeting up and doing things and it bothers me he allows it. But herself too, she has a family with another man, is it wrong to try to talk to his ex? Because hell defend her and ultimtely ill look foolish- but it may fullfill this empty feeling.
Needless to say in the beginning of the relationship he never lied to me about him talking to his ex and sometimes he would tell me to leave his house or restauant because she was on her way, and for the longest time I would leave and let him feel sorry the next day or week later. But towards the end of the relationship I stood my ground and I wouldn't leave and of course the ex never showed. But now he's threatning me to leave if I don't hell go to other measures.
Utimately I need to leave him alone, but we spent veryday together and did everyting together. Its asking to leave my comfort zone which is the hardest. How do I cope? How do I stop having so much intrests in his faceboook messages when I kno itl only hurt me. I've gone out, surounded myself with friends and or family, or maybe with someone else, I still find myself logging in to read and get my heartrate up for nothing I can control it sucks!!!
I think talking to the ex will make me feel better? Despite what he says. Do u suggest I write anything???
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2011): I really feel sorry for your current predicament. You deserve to be treated better and if him being so obsessed about his ex only makes you feel like you're a reserve and that what you've done has been insignificant. Girl, if a man makes you feel this way and continues doing so even after you've made your point, then I think you deserve better. You're still young with a future ahead of you. Are you sure you want to be stuck in this vicious emotional cycle? While you have his interests at heart and are doing your best to making the relationship work, clearly he is not reciprocating and putting in the effort. It may sound harsh but the sooner you leave him the better it will be for you. All the best!
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