A
female
age
41-50,
*wen
writes:Hi,I am dating my boyfriend for about 6 months now. We are so much in love with each other... it was love at first sight and we both feel we are right together.He was married (divorced in the meantime) and already has a 2yo boy. His ex-wife got pregnant from him right before I met him and the baby is going to be born in a couple of weeks.I kind of knew what I was getting into, but that doesn´t mean I feel it is right.It´s difficult to imagine his ex alone and pregnant and I feel very sorry for her. Though I had nothing to do with the marriage break up I do have guilty feelings that he might have gone back if I wasn´t in the picture.I also feel very sad when I think of the baby, and how he is experiencing something that should be a happy moment (and in a way it is, for him) but I can´t help that it makes me so sad...I was thinking of getting out of town/country/way when the baby is born. I don´t want to be the long faced sad girl in this happy moment for him. Is that a good choice, or should I stay around and be happy for him?
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Not tricky at all. The answer is clear. Stay and be happy. Be there when he needs and wants you - and he will. Become part of the furniture when he doesn't.
A child can be a joy no matter how complex or rocky the relationship that brought him or her to this world and no matter how unhappy the remaining relationship between the child's parents.
You will let him go when and where he is needed, of course? It will be difficult not to cling, not to be jealous, but I'm sure you already know that. When his ex, and the child need him, let him be there - because you know that if he now really loves you, he will always be back to you. You're his future, but he has a duty and responsibility for his past. With luck, at least a part of that past can be a joy for you all in the future - and that is something you may be able to help him work towards.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): You are very gracious and kind. I would be kind of worried that he was still sleeping with her right up until they suddenly split? I know people have needs and stuff but usually sex life is an indicator of intimacy in other areas (although not always) and a barometer when things are not good. You are right to be concerned but I think if your partner wanted to be with her he would have done by now. Do be prepared for his emotions and feelings to change once again when the baby is born. I think you will be best to simply be stable and calm throughout - offering to help and support where possible. It is going to be a difficult time of split loyalties but you seem very level headed about the importance of putting this childs needs first.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2008): Your in a difficult position, mostly because your a very nice person, which is why he's with you. You could try talking it over with him. Sorry can't help much.
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A
female
reader, hlskitten  +, writes (13 May 2008):
 Tricky one :o(
I know what you mean about the feeling guilty bit. And wondering if he would be there if you weren't on the scene. But you really do need to remember that they were over before you came along, and if he tells you that, then trust him.
Only thing you can do really is be very supportive when the baby is born and encourage him to have good contact with the child. After all, its not the childs fault the relationship failed between mum and dad before he/she arrived in the world.
It could all work out ok, and i expect at some point in the future his ex will meet someone new and everyone will be happy. At the end of the day, his ex wifes feelings are to a certain extent, out of your control. Might be a long way off that it all settles down, but if you love him, i guess time is the only way forward.
C xxxxx
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