A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together a year and he broke up with his ex a year and 3 months ago. She never really accepted that he moved on, and even up until 2 months ago she was causing upset in our relationship. I've just seen a text on his phone saying she really missed him yesterday (Xmas day). She has a boyfriend...Why can't she move on? She obviously still has feelings for my boyfriend.It just makes me feel really uneasy and unsettled when she crops up like this, I don't trust her at all.How do I handle this?
View related questions:
broke up, christmas, has a boyfriend, his ex, move on, split up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): He's being passive with her and his lack of honesty with her is just encouraging her. So yes, you are right on the money...and I totally concur with Maxine. Your boyfriend must end this and he has to do it by himself. No man, no matter how caring and open, he is with you, should turn their own love relationship into a fiacsco like this, because it unbalances their partner (you) and that is a lack of respect. This ex gf issue has you unsettled. And that 'unsettled' feeling you get, is still the 'unbalanced, fearful' feeling you have, hun. Have you asked him to come right out and ask her to 'back off'? If so, what was his reaction to that? If you haven't asked him, then you should be setting a big boundary here and expecting that of him. Now...if you know for certain he is in no way, encouraging her, then you are dealing with a manipulative, needy ex gf. Every time you and your bf may have a sign of trouble in your relationship, she's thinking that she has a chance again. The only way you can likely end this with his ex gf..is for your bf to tell her outright, that irregardless of what happens with the two of you-he will not date her again. Period. He needs to give her the final word..give her some long overdue 'closure' so she will move on and find someone else that makes her happy. But other than that, you have no control over how other people conduct their lives. So my advice is to be honest with him and tell him that it unsettles you and it upsets you, to see how this ex gf hovering around your relationship, like a vulture, ready to zoom in on him..
The ex gf doesn't sound satisfied with her own life and is pining away for your bf, giving her hope and purpose. Sooo sad, isn't it? And added to that, the confusion and pain that she's experiencing within herself has got her looking for something that she needs...which is happiness. She is going about it the wrong way. She has to find her own self-love and dignity, first. Only then, will she realize the futility of what she is doing and will have the strength and pride to 'move on'. If she finds happiness and falls in love again herself, she will be more accepting of your bf's happiness with you. Tell him to end this, once and for all. Do it lovingly, maturely and calmly...but be forthright and honest and ask him. Good luck, dear and be strong.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your replies, guys.
The thing is, Juliemc, she doesn't know that I can see his text messages. He doesn't know I saw this one, because he never saw it, I deleted it before he could, I just didn't want the bad feelings that come with her texting.
She used to email him then she found out I saw some emails - he had shown them to me. So now, she texts. My boyfriend has been honest in the past and told me when she's text, but I've not ever asked to see them, or what she says (although I'm dying to know).
So she isn't trying to get a reaction out of me by texting him, because she knows (or thinks) I won't see them.
I just feel angry that she feels that she CAN text him saying she misses him, because I feel that maybe he's never stood up to her and told her that she shouldn't be saying these things.
Deep down I know this is totally irrational and insecure but 1% of me wonders if he's ever encouraged this kind of talk from her, or even reciprocated it. Or else why is she still finding it ok to text himn these things?
If it was me and my ex, if I still had feelings for him, I wouldn't feel it was ok to text him after a yearm especially if he had a GF, I wouldn't want to look foolish in front of her.
...............................
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 Thank you for explaining the identical phones. No, I don't think you're a scheming girlfriend!
I sincerely believe that your boyfriend is to be trusted if he's never given you a reason not to. The ex girlfriend? Aren't they a pain?? Perhaps she still pines for him, but that doesn't mean that he pines for her. Trust him to do the right thing.
If they left on friendly terms, this might just be a friendly text. Either way, no matter how it is interpreted... you should trust your boyfriend to do the right thing and not worry about her. She is his past - YOU are his future.
Merry Christmas,
xx India
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 December 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI should probably say, so you don't think I'm some sceming girlfriend, that we have the same phone and often make the mistake of reading each others texts etc.
He's very open with me, I know all his email passwords etc.
...............................
A
female
reader, Maxine17  +, writes (26 December 2007):
 Talk to your bf about this. Tell him how you feel about it. Let him know that you don't like that she is sending him these messages. My bf also recieved messages from a girl that he never dated but she wanted him and tried to break us up. I confronted him and well sadly he didn't do anything about it until I threatened to break up with him because of her. I told him he can have her and well he sent her packing. We are now happier than ever
...............................
A
female
reader, juliemc +, writes (26 December 2007):
She's getting the reaction from you that she's hoping for.
Don't let her get into your head..like you said before, she has already tried to upset your relationship.
Maybe she thought waiting until christmas would really cause trouble for him with you. just forget about her and you guys get on with your life. She isn't worth a second thought,but might be an idea for your boyfriend to change his number if she perserveres, and she won't have any way to interfere.
Good luck to you both
...............................
|
