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anonymous
writes: MY BOYFRIEND HAS AN EX GIRLFRIEND THAT WILL ALWAYS BE IN HIS LIFE DUE TO THEIR 2 CHILDREN. HIS EX GIRLFRIEND ALWAYS HAS A PROBLEM. LAST WEEK IT WAS HER HEALTH, THIS WEEK IT IS HER CAR. I DO NOT THINK HE SHOULD WORK ON HER CAR BUT HE THINKS THAT AFFECTS HIS CHILDREN. EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS, FROM HER GARBAGE DISPOSAL, HE FINDS WAYS TO SAY IT AFFECTS HIS KIDS. BUT YET HE CAN NOT EVEN TAKE THE TRASH OUT AT HOME. WE JUST MOVED IN WITH EACH OTHER THREE MONTHS AGO AND EVERYTHING IS FINE BESIDE THE EX-GIRLFRIEND ISSUE. I REALLY DO NOT CARE FOR HER DUE TO OTHER ISSUES. HER HOUSE IS DIRTY DIRTY AND HER KIDS ALWAYS SMELL WHEN THEY COME TO VISIT THEIR DAD, AND SHE ALSO GOT MAD AT ME FOR BUYING HIS DAUGHTER A NECKLACE. HOW LAME IS THAT? SHE SAID THAT IS SOMETHING ONLY MOMS DO. I DID NOT ARGUE BUT I TOLD MY BOYFRIEND THAT I WORK FOR MY MONEY AND I WILL DO WHAT EVER I WANT WITH IT. BUT I TOLD HIM THAT THE KIDS' LIVING ENVIROMENT WAS REALLY BAD AND I STARTED TO MAKE LITTLE COMMENT ABOUT HER WHEN HE WOULD TELL ME THAT SHE HAD ANOTHER PROBLEM. SO HE TOLD ME THAT WHEN I SAY STUFF THEN THAT MAKES ME LIKE HER, SO I STOPPED SAYING ANYTHING AT ALL, NOTHING. MY LIPS ARE SEALED. IT HAS BEEN THAT WAY FOR TWO WEEKS. I AM JUST TIRED OF IT ALL. MY CAR NEED FIXING AS WELL BUT I DO NOT SEE HIM VOLUNTEERING TO HELP ME. WHICH I REALLY DO NOT ASK FOR HELP. I WILL DO IT MYSELF, IF I CAN BUT IT JUST GETS OLD. WHAT CAN I DO OR SAY TO HIM?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2005): I have been in your situation, and it stinks. He needs to know where his ex ends and his children begin. He is still to connected and too involved in his guilt. she is an adult and must learn to fend for herself. You need to speak up, get the position and respect that you deserve as his partner. Don't blame her or the kids, blame him for facillitating her manipulations. He needs to pay, cultivate his relationship with his children, but explain to her that he has moved on and that she must respect where he is in his new life. Until he gives you that respect, and that position with her, you will always be the third party to their on going non physical intamacy. Demand your position to him, explain how you feel, find a compromise, but do not remain silent, do not repress, and if this continues do not stay. I am married to mine now and I call the shots, but his ex and two kids ran his life until I finally set my foot down and left him. Then we got back together with a whole new set of rules. Go for it, you deserve the best.
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female
reader, Wendyg  +, writes (21 April 2005):
 Sounds as though your not happy, why are you staying ? If things are really that bad why are you still together ? If you cant accept that he has a past then I dont think he is right for you. He has 2 children, thats the biggest bond anyone will ever have with another person, nothing can come close to the emotion that causes. Of course he is going to go running to help when things go wrong, because he's doing his duty as a father to make sure his kids are okay. Only good men do that, alot dont care. You have to understand that its probably not easy for him not to be with his children all the time, and hes grateful for any contact he can have with them. I think the main issue here is your jealousy over the fact he has a bond with the mother of his children, that is never going to change, whether you like it or not she is part of his life. If you cant come to terms with that first then you will not survive this relationship. If you want to understand him talk to him. Ask for help instead of moping about thinking he doesnt care... does things for, her wont for me... tell him that you would like for him to help you out a bit more too. It would also help if you didnt bad mouth the ex... shes bound to be a bit bitter herself, she too has got to accept you, and thats not easy for either party. But you are going to have to learn to get along, and understand that your partner has a duty as a father first. If you are feeling neglected tell him, explain how you feel. But sitting stewing will not resolve anything. You need to accept things yourself first and understand its not just about you. If you really cant accept that he had a ready made family, then this will tear the two of you apart and you will not make it as a couple. Take time to reflect on the situation and discuss things with your partner. If you are that unhappy then you will have no choice but to move on.
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