A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm hoping someone can give me some advice about the situation that I have found myself in. My boyfriend and I are expecting a baby in the summer, and my boyfriend's daughter from a previous relationship is really excited about having a baby brother or sister.The massive problem we have is the fact that her mother, my boyfriend's ex, refusing to allow me to see the child without my boyfriend there or even let her stay over at our house. At first I let it go, and put it down to her not liking the idea of a new woman around. But now we are expecting a baby, the whole thing is started to bug me more and more. I have been with my boyfriend for nearly five years, and a part of the child's life for three and a half years. At first I wasn't even allowed to be anywhere near her, and I agreed to keep the peace between all parties.His ex has never really given a reason for her dislike of me, yes we have had rows before but it was nothing for her to act like this.When our child is here, I want their sister to play a part in our little family. Her father wants this too but he is worried his ex will stop all access and we would near to go through the courts to see her. She is 8, so she would understand what was happening and we don't want her upset.What can I do to ease the problem? Mums,Dads, Step parents, please help!
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female
reader, PeanutButter  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Unfortunately you have no say in the matter, legally or not. Even if you were married to the guy, it would be between him and his ex and if they have an agreeable method of visitation right now then there might not be a risk worth taking to upset the apple cart so to speak.
If the ex doesn't want to have the children interact then that would be a little silly but perhaps just have your guy have a word with his ex and see how she feels about them interacting because, as crazy as it might sound, sometime ex's can change their minds in different situations.
As much as you dislike the situation with the children not having any interaction, the mother dislikes the interaction between the child and you, and so everyone might be at loggerheads all around here but the bottom line is that everyone is entitled to their opinion and boundaries have to be somewhat respected - there is no legal frame that can stipulate visitation with siblings unless you really want to go and fight for it.
If anything, I would be less affraid of the court - they are there to help and if you can I would go to court to set up an agreement in writing for visitation, overnights and weekends etc so that more time can be spent as a unit with her included but remember that you and your guy, plus her little simbling are not the only family she has and there are other people to please and it can get rocky.
I do speak from experience as a woman with a child with my ex, who went on to have children with her, so I watched as my son went to her house every other weekend or every weekend and some holidays to spend time with them and the siblings - I have always been quite reasonable about it, but it didn't make it any easier to go through for the first while.
I am ALSO a step mother myself, to my husband's son, who lives with his mother and visits us every other weekend. It was weird at first but I know from having to watch my son go to his dads every week just how gutwrenching it can be seeing another woman with your kid and so I have been quite sensitive of my husband's ex's needs, too and it took some talking it out for us to be on the same page and we now get along actually quite well.
I am a mother with 3 biological children, 1 who is from my previous relationship and has regular contact with his dad. I have 1 step son who lives with his mother but the 3 children I have at home, 2 of those are his hald siblings by blood and the other his step brother and we treat them all the same.
My husband's ex now has another child and one on the way and so we talk back and forth to organize birthdays, holidays, visits and so on, so forth and it works extremely well - especially as I have been in my step son's life now for 8 years and we have all built a level of familiarity and trust - this didn't happen overnight, or with force though, it is something you have to work and and agree on and I know some people have to be ready for that to move on with it.
When you have your child you might see why your guys ex has such a problem with you having contact with her child.It isnt cause you're a bad person or anything like that, it just is a strong feeling a mother has when her children are with someone else.
I do think some talking should happen and I do with you all the very best of luck and hope that you can work it out and be in a good position like us - it is possible! x
A
female
reader, PeanutButter +, writes (26 February 2014):
Unfortunately you have no say in the matter, legally or not. Even if you were married to the guy, it would be between him and his ex and if they have an agreeable method of visitation right now then there might not be a risk worth taking to upset the apple cart so to speak.
If the ex doesn't want to have the children interact then that would be a little silly but perhaps just have your guy have a word with his ex and see how she feels about them interacting because, as crazy as it might sound, sometime ex's can change their minds in different situations.
As much as you dislike the situation with the children not having any interaction, the mother dislikes the interaction between the child and you, and so everyone might be at loggerheads all around here but the bottom line is that everyone is entitled to their opinion and boundaries have to be somewhat respected - there is no legal frame that can stipulate visitation with siblings unless you really want to go and fight for it.
If anything, I would be less affraid of the court - they are there to help and if you can I would go to court to set up an agreement in writing for visitation, overnights and weekends etc so that more time can be spent as a unit with her included but remember that you and your guy, plus her little simbling are not the only family she has and there are other people to please and it can get rocky.
I do speak from experience as a woman with a child with my ex, who went on to have children with her, so I watched as my son went to her house every other weekend or every weekend and some holidays to spend time with them and the siblings - I have always been quite reasonable about it, but it didn't make it any easier to go through for the first while.
I am ALSO a step mother myself, to my husband's son, who lives with his mother and visits us every other weekend. It was weird at first but I know from having to watch my son go to his dads every week just how gutwrenching it can be seeing another woman with your kid and so I have been quite sensitive of my husband's ex's needs, too and it took some talking it out for us to be on the same page and we now get along actually quite well.
I am a mother with 3 biological children, 1 who is from my previous relationship and has regular contact with his dad. I have 1 step son who lives with his mother but the 3 children I have at home, 2 of those are his hald siblings by blood and the other his step brother and we treat them all the same.
My husband's ex now has another child and one on the way and so we talk back and forth to organize birthdays, holidays, visits and so on, so forth and it works extremely well - especially as I have been in my step son's life now for 8 years and we have all built a level of familiarity and trust - this didn't happen overnight, or with force though, it is something you have to work and and agree on and I know some people have to be ready for that to move on with it.
When you have your child you might see why your guys ex has such a problem with you having contact with her child.It isnt cause you're a bad person or anything like that, it just is a strong feeling a mother has when her children are with someone else.
I do think some talking should happen and I do with you all the very best of luck and hope that you can work it out and be in a good position like us - it is possible! x
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 February 2014):
 What your BF can do is take her to court and have the visitation rights legalized and in writing, if she refuses SHE will be in contempt.
However, YOU have no right to HIS child. NONE. Even if you love her and want what is best for her, you have no say. You are "just" the father's girlfriend.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (26 February 2014):
 Well to be honest you have no standing as a live in girl friend. I strongly suggest you marry him to have any hope of getting the courts to be on your side. A stable family unit of tradition will look good in court which his where you have to go.
Your partner needs to find a good family attorney and file for legal status and court ordered custody. You being married will probably mean the courts will order that the child be in his home with his WIFE, while as a girlfriend you could be ordered to be removed while he sees the child (an attorney in your area will know better where the courts stand on this).
IF there is no legal visitation order, that's your first step.
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (26 February 2014):
 The only right to seeing the kid is the father, I know you mean well but the mother has every right to decide whether she wants you near her kid or not. I agree what you doing is a creating a healthy relationship and of course its great you want your daughter to know her step sister. I suggest you don't get involved and don't say anything as it will just aggravate the situation. You can hope the ex, continues to let the dad see his daughter and spend time with him and in the process your family.
You can try by telling her that you would like to put the past behind and if yourll can be at least civil to one another as you believe it will create a healthy environment for all. You will respect her decision if she is not ready but do hope that she come around one day.
I simple polite message to bury the hatchet might be the best place to start. If she is rude and disagrees then let it be.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (26 February 2014): "What can I do to ease the problem?"Unfortunately there's nothing you can do given that you are currently a legal stranger (no relation by blood, marriage or adoption) who has no legal standing in the life of a child whose her mother wants to make your life as miserable as possible. If your boyfriend's other baby mama is threatening to block or restrict a child's right to have equal access to her father, then he needs to go to court to obtain an order of visitation to legally protect both himself and his daughter against a vengeful ex. When a woman becomes involved with the father of a minor child, it is always a package deal and baby mama is always included in the package. You knew she was a vindictive shrew who was willing to use her kid as a weapon against her ex (even though it's the kid who suffers most, as they always do) before you became pregnant so you should have realized that any additional kids he spawned were going to be sucked into the drama and prepared accordingly. While other baby mama may be being unreasonable about visitation, at the risk of sounding old-fashioned and out of touch I must say that if I were the single father of a minor child, then I certainly would have reservations about allowing my kid to be left in the care of an unrelated adult stranger (to me) in the absence of his/her mother. Sad situation, an innocent eight-year-old is caught between two parents in conflict, and now she's facing the prospect of a part-time sibling who will have a stable home with two loving parents, luxuries she will never enjoy. All you can do is be supportive while doing whatever you can to minimize the fallout of a toxic situation on your child.
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