A
female
 ,
anonymous
writes:Hi all,Well could do with a bit of help myself to-day.Its mine and my b/friends first christmas this year.Neither of us like christmas, but he has kids with his ex, who may want him there. As his ex is still clinging on for dear life, i dont want him to go there all day. They are grown up, by the way. Also made big mistake this morning and went through his phone. No lovie dovie message from her, but a message saying they should now talk, as she feels ready to discuss things. Discuss what?, he left her almost a year ago. As i am not the type to snoop, I admitted that I had looked. He wasnt to happy, and said I didnt trust him. Well why would I, he tells me they had no contact and then I see that. He says he knows it hurts me so thats why he never said anything.Just when we seem to be ok, she will put a spanner in the works. I cant understand it at all. She keeps in touch with his family,(which i dont mind), but they were pleased when he split up from her as she is a nightmare. He still pays for everything at his old house, for the kids. While we cant afford to have a phone put in. I pay for everything, all the bills the mortgage the food. He says until the house is sold, thats the way it has to be.Am I being unresonable, I doubt myself all the time?I love him so much, maybe to much. We never have a bad word until she crops up. It upsets me, and I always end up in tears. As soon as i cry, he goes really hard and cold about my feelings.I wish I knew I had nothing to worry about, then maybe I would trust him more. I know how crafty she is, but he cant see it.What do you all think please?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2006): She is an instigator as she invites him over without consideration to extend an invitation to you. This in itself is evidence of just how much of an unhappy and mean woman she is.
If there were no cause of threat or for you to mistrust him; he would not accept an invitation without you being present. This shows to her that you and him are commited and shows that he himself understands and knows how a healthy, adult relationship should be.
He doesn't know, now does he?
Why did he leave his wife? Why would he hide things from you; don't give me that he doesn't want to hurt your feelings as him going without you to any place where she is is unacceptable.
Make it a rule, everyone should- to not be with another available person of the opposite sex and especially if there is prior history of intamacy. There is wisdom in not putting yourself into a situation where your integrity is put to question.
I say first; get yourself some individual counselling-it is apparent that your relationship with this man and his lack of consideration, lack of emotion, and lack or ownership is taking it's emotional toll on you.
How about suggesting you have his Family over for Christmas evening and his kids can come over. Say that he is allowed to go to the Ex's if you are present or say his Mother. Have him promise he is to not be alone with her.
Tell him that him deciding to hide facts; omitting details is a form of lying/dishonesty. It is. Because of this, that he can do this and not be aware of how this would compromise his integrity; it has put your trust in him in question. No person, male or female, appreciates anyone who can be dishonest.
When will the house be sold; there should have been a timeline.
Well...now that you are aware of having a relationship with this man entails; what do you want to do?
I don't think you are being unreasonable about feeling like you are getting the short end of the stick.
Please see an individual counsellor ASAP. You need to vent and get some support and insight. Go for, let's say 6 sessions.
Then, set up some couples counselling.
If your common law is opposed to this; chances are he has little to no intentions of making your relationship work.
A man and woman both have to be willing to do all that they can to make their commitment to one another stay solid.
I hope you let us know how things are fairing.
*hugs*
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