A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:Me (in my thirties) and my boyfriend (in his forties) entered into our relationship over three years ago, though we were friends for a few years previous. Before we were together, we were both involved in relationships where we financially supported our partners, but they were one-sided to the other partners' benefit in all aspects. We eventually got together because we both wanted the same things out of a relationship and agreed we wanted a true and equal partnership. It seemed to make sense. We are very compatible and alike in many ways, and one of our strongest points is communication. We live on opposite coast lines, but every other month I am there for a month or he comes here, so we co-habitate bi-coastally in a seriously committed relationship.Here is where it gets complicated: Although my ex-boyfriend has moved on with his life, his ex-girlfriend hasn't. He supported her financially and put her through school for over 16 years (she's a perpetual student type) when his income was better than it is now. Even though he moved in with his mother when we started seeing each other, his ex still lives in his house. All the deed paperwork, taxes, etc. appear in only his name, despite that they co-habitated in it during their relationship. His ex still has access to his house account to pay the house bills, but also uses it as her personal piggy bank (she is also an alcoholic). To make matters worse, he has borrowed an exorbitant amount of money from his mother that has wiped out her retirement fund to keep up this house. His ex is putting him further in debt at a time when his income cannot handle it. He has totally renovated his house and had it on the market for the duration of our relationship, but the housing market has been so bad it is still unsold. He has included me in every aspect of his life, I know all his family and friends (and he mine), so it is not a situation where I feel he has misrepresented himself to me. I trust my partner. He has made his intentions of marriage to me known to all.On top of all of that, I took him on as a client in my business (we are in the same industry) to help him get more work and make money. He constantly pressures me to get him work because he is trying to keep his house going until it sells, and endlessly complains about the situation with his ex (because she graduated and has not secured work to help out either). But he, too, has not made any moves to change this situation with her or take control in any way. I think he is afraid to stand up to her because he fears she might take him to court for support through common law (even though the state he lives in doesn't acknowledge common law). When I try to discuss it or make suggestions (like renting the house out), he comes to her defense and it causes conflict.We have been planning to build our house once he sells, but with the housing market failing, our plans to build our future together keep getting postponed. I will have to leave my own family and friends behind geographically to be with him, so this will be a great sacrifice for me to make the big move when the time comes.There is a chance I can land him a few deals soon that would make us both a lot of money, but he has indicated that he would still use the money to keep the house going until it sells so he can pay back the bank and his mother. I feel it would be unfair to me if the proceeds go to supporting his freeloading ex, who has done nothing to deserve the benefits of all my hard work.Am I unrealistic for sticking it out? I need some serious and intelligent advice on this, please help me gain some perspective.
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male
reader, Tommy7 +, writes (1 October 2007):
He is a fool. Tell him to get a lawyer/financial adviser and get his affairs in order.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 September 2007): I understand your concern. Three years is a long time to be dating a man who has his ex gf still residing in 'his' home. You've been a patient, more than a accomodating, understanding gf in his life. Many of us gals would have long ago set a boundary and said 'she goes or I go". Your bf sounds like a loving good man, but he is being taken full advantage of. And to top it off, his Mother is put in financial constraints, as a result. It's time for him to assert himself and get her out of there. The best you can do, is tell him that it's time to make a complete break and have her leave if she is not paying rent. At the very least, she should be helping him to alleviate the cost of the home upkeep.
You are right. Not all states in the US recognize common law marriages. You are saying he lives in a state that does not recognize this. He is worried about what she will do to him, financially, if he were to ask her to leave or start paying some rent.. It appears she is doing a lot of damage financially already. My suggestion: is he go visit a lawyer for a consultation to find out what could and could not happen. But if he's unwilling to move her out of there after 3 years, there is plainly either an issue of your bf feeling some type of obligation to her. I think it's time for you and he to talk and find out 'why' he can't be strong and insist that she leave or pay up or this will hang over your relationship and create strife. He has to realize he owes her nothing. Marriages and common law relationships break up all the time....it is the normal way that both parties go their complete separate ways. I think it's time for you to set a few boundaries here. After 3 years, it's time for her to pay up, or move on and move out.
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