A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my boyfriend about 6 months now. He has 2 kids and 2 ex wives. Yonger one's mom is very strict with his visitation schedule and I have no problem. But the older one's mom is... she always comes up with plans to be without her kid and ask my boyfriend to take care of their kid every single weekends. They have a schedule that they take turns every other weekends. My boyfriend loves to spend time with his kid and always accepts it. But I feel like his ex decides what our weekends going to be like... with her own kid!when I talk to him about it he understood where it came from but at the same time he felt like I am trying to let him spend less time with his kid to make me happy.To be honest with you, it's not about kid. It is about what he lets his ex aloud to do to us. How can I feel better and be nice about this???
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2009): Im in a similar situation now. My partner has 3 children, 2 different mothers. He sees two of the children (full brothers) every weekend (Sat - Mon) and every Wednesday and Thursday night. The other child he sees every Tuesday might and every other weekend. He has just started to see that child every other Friday night as well. For me this has just pushed things a little too far. He is a great and caring Dad and understandibly wants to see his children as much as possible, however this leaves no quality time for our relationship. I feel as if I accomadate his situation, always arranging (and paying for!) family events and holidays. Selfishly I feel the little time we have together is now not balanced. We talked about this recently and he has no suggestions for a compromise. It's a difficult decision to accept this for me.....
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Very very good advice from irish 49. I was with a man who had 3 young children from 3 separate wives and it was pure hell on earth. Every weekend when you had planned something you would suddenly have one of the children dumped on you or they would be sick etc etc. The list really is endless. This situation is going to go for years to come. I tried to put a good face on it but deep down I knew I couldb't do it. I personally needed a man who put me first. As Irish 49 said try to think up good family activities as this does take the strain off things and try to ask for one sacred weekend a month. I feel sure he will agree to this. I found it very hard to not start disliking the children which is totally unfair but when you get so much grief from the mothers it is hard not to project it onto the kids. I also found that I was getting put on a lot so in effect I was the one actually looking after the children while he went out, worked was asleep etc etc. Be careful he doesn't take advantage and start doing that with you. Remember to remain objective and concentrate on the fact that he is a good father because that will pay dividends if you decide to eventually have a child with him. All the best,
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): Good advice from 'caringguy'..he and I are on the same page here. Your posting is a good message for other females to take note of. If you get involved with a man, who has children from prior relationship/s...be prepared to know fully, what the heck, you are signing up for. This is the painful downside of how some ex-partner's, behave. Her insistence at having your bf take their child every weekend, is or will be causing a a huge strain and negative impact on your relationship with him.
So now, you state, in your posting "To be honest with you, it's not about kid. It is about what he lets his ex do to us. How can I feel better and be nice about this"
I get the feeling he's not asking her to stop, sending the child every weekend, then he wants his child to be with him and that he cherishes loves this kid. That action alone tells me, he must be a pretty darned commendable, responsible guy and a good Dad. Maybe you need to respect and understand that.
Also, if this child is younger, then please be prepared..you will be sharing him with ex partners and the children that he has with them..for many years to come. The only way you can feel better? Well, you need to 'accept' his choice to be with this kid and respect that. If you can't then he will come to resent you, for trying to put a wedge between him and his children.
Probably the best way to deal with this, is remain positive and try your best to think up fun, family activities you can all do together.
Now, there is nothing really wrong with asking him, for a weekend each month, where you and he can share just some 'one on one' time..let him know that it's not asking much and perhaps he'll agree to it. If he does, then he can talk to the ex and let her know of the weekend he cannot watch the child. But if he's not prepared to do this, then you may have to rethink this relationship and decide if being with a fellow who has committments to his kids, is the right one for you. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 November 2009): No. He has one day everyweek other than every other weekend and he take kid to sports practice 3days a week.
its not like he can't see kid 2weeks if he on schedule. He accept all kinds a exception other than weekends.
BUT... Thank you for your advice. I know I always have to remember that. I feel like he is supporting his ex to be razy mom and I need to stop think that way. I am trying...
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (12 November 2009):
First of all, you need to accept that whatever happens in your life with him, he will put his child first, no matter what. If you can't accept that, end it now. It doens't matter how much she changes plans, he will always want to see his child. It would be nice if he said to her that he would like some sort of timetable, but let's face it, if he only sees his child at the weekend, he will jump at the chance. This is how it will always be, because his child will always come first. So the question you have to ask yourself is can you take that?
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