A
female
age
30-35,
*en1689
writes:I don't know whether I'm looking for advice or just looking for a way to vent. This must be the fourth time I've written on here about the same subject, but it's wearing me thinner and thinner and I'm at my wit's end.My boyfriend and I have been together now for over a year and a half. I love him deeply, and he feels the same. I lost my virginity to him not even a month after getting together with him. We have been living together now for almost a year, and next weekend we are moving to Florida together to start a new life. We both have the same goals and expectations of ourselves and each other. We are both very motivated and responsible and hope to build a great life for ourselves.This weekend (just before we move), his sister is getting married. Obviously, this is going to bring up a lot of thoughts concerning where we are headed. We have talked over and over about marriage and kids. He has taken me to look at rings and has talked to me about proposing at some point. His family constantly dotes on me and talk to us about being the next to get married. I couldn't imagine anything more wonderful.However, my demons are out to destroy this bliss... I've struggled with low self-esteem my entire life. Bulimia took over my life for about five years. Day-in and day-out I lost myself in this horrendous cycle of binging and purging. My entire day would be built around one binge cycle. It threw me into a depression and caused me pain every single day. It was only once I began living with my current boyfriend that I was able to leave it behind.When my boyfriend and I began dating, I heard over and over about his ex. I heard nothing good, however. All of his friends and his family said all the same things. But her name and idea would come up at the most random of times, and I would oftentimes be compared to her. He would say things like, "You are so sweet, SHE would never do things like this for me." Or, "I can't believe you didn't get mad about that, SHE would have thrown such a fit." We would be watching a movie with a scene where a couple would be fighting, and he would say, "I've definitely dealt with that." Random stories would be told about how she cheated on him or how she would ruin special occasions because she was so dramatic and immature. We once got into a fight and then made love and he said, "That's the first time I've had make-up sex. Every time I would fight with HER I would never want to be around her." Granted, all of these little details were negative, but I still just couldn't understand why her name was brought up so much.I eventually told him how much it bothered me that she was brought up, and he said he would stop. However, when we went to Warped Tour back right before he moved in with me, we both got a little intoxicated. We were walking around talking about a girl that his ex had made out with when they were together. He was talking a lot of crap about her and wouldn't let up. I told him that he needed to let it go and forgive her. All he did was yell at me, "I don't have to forgive her! She made out with MY girlfriend!" I froze, and just stared at him. Then I went to the restroom and threw up all the alcohol I had just consumed. It's been a year since that incident, and I still haven't let it go.After that, I held on to the insecurity and let it affect me constantly. We got into a couple fights about it, and he finally told me that it had to stop, or it would ruin us. I let it go. But then in January of this year, on our one-year anniversary, we got into a fight. We were admitting to one another that we had been taking each other for granted, and that there were certain things that we had been doing that were getting under each others' skin. He mentioned something very specific that I did, and that he couldn't stand it. He said, "There's something very HER about the way you do that...". I was shocked, and unbelievably hurt. He's apologized for it over and over, but I still can't let it go, and I still think about it often.The thing that always bothered me was the fact that this girl is the exact opposite of the type of girl I am. Her and my boyfriend dated on-and-off for two years. He was a senior and she was a freshman when they met. She was heavy into drugs and drinking and claims that she "lost her virginity" to him, which I doubt. She manipulated him, belittled him, lied to him constantly, and made him give up the things that he loved: soccer, music, friends. She would pretend to get clean off of drugs and drinking, and then turn around and go behind his back to do them. They broke up constantly, and the longest they were ever together was probably two or three months. Every time he would try to end it for good, she would threaten suicide.Towards the final end of the relationship, she slit her wrist open with a knife. He found her and got her help, but finally ended things for good. Not even two weeks after that, she began sleeping with another guy. Within three months, she was pregnant. Her baby's daddy has broken up with her twice. Once at Christmas of last year (when she contacted my boyfriend via MySpace to say "I hate you.") and once this year, right after their two-year anniversary.Right now, I'm possessed. I'm a hollow shell of the person I once used to be. I know everything about this girl. What was once my fixation on food and binging, is now my obsession with this girl. I look at her Facebook every single day to see what she's doing and hope she's suffering. I've Googled her name and found nearly everything you can find about her online. I know her address, her e-mail, her phone number. I know the exact dates that her and my boyfriend broke up, and the exact date that her and her ex got together. I know her birthday and when she gave birth. The worst part: I'm now staying on the island that she lives. I can't go anywhere around here without scanning every single face wondering if it's her. I'm terrified of running into her, but at the same time, I'm longing to see her in person. My mind is hypnotized, and it's killing me.I've told my boyfriend about how it's hurting me, and it hurts him too. He's told me that she's absolutely nothing to him, and that she was such an insignificant part of his past that he doesn't even think about it anymore. He can't understand why it stays with me, and I think that's what hurts him the most. He's told me again that he doesn't want to be with me if this continues. I don't blame him. I've been to counseling and it's helped somewhat, but it hasn't gotten me anywhere. I've tried to talk to every single person I know who I think might help, but no one knows how. My boyfriend has changed my Facebook password so that I can no longer access her profile, but it doesn't stop me from thinking about her. I've made an entire binder her photos, so that somehow I can have a tangible existence of this visage.I'm attractive. So is she. We look somewhat alike. Dark hair, blue eyes, similar smiles. It's almost nauseating. I hate the thought of him being with her. I hate the fact that he kept going back to her even though she constantly did him wrong. And I hate the fact that he brought his past into our present. I'm so lost, and I don't know which way to go...
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): No easy solution. If you cannot get over his past, perhaps you should find someone with no past.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 August 2010): I hate to say it, but it seems like you're doing more to bring his past into the present than he is. Yes, you were compared to her -- being called BETTER than her -- except for that one time you've mentioned. You are obsessed with her, for no reason. What you have is something called "retroactive jealousy," but you're taking it to new heights.
I'm not sure this is something you can get over yourself, particularly if you're likening this to your bout with bulimia. I suggest you seek counseling or psychiatric help for this, or it'll get the best of you. If you "get over it" on your own, there's always the possibility that something else will become your new obsession later. It'll just be an endless cycle.
Your first step, though, is to throw away the things you've collected that remind you of her.
Best of luck to you.
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