A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:We are just about to get married and I found out that my future husband is regularly visiting facebook profile of his ex who is also freshly married. He told me about her, that he left her as he couldn't imagine being with her for the rest of his life, and just after they broke up, two of us got together. So he basically chosen me over her. But, still, he texted her for her birthday, to congratulate her marriage and goes to her profile every now and then - everything done without mentioning it to me. I do know it. Also to add - she is good looking girl. What do you think about this behavior?
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 September 2011):
 If they aren't hanging out in person then don't pay attention to it. I'd be more worried if they often hang out or she flirts with him or if they send each other late night texts and are intimate with each other, talk on the phone for hours, or if he constantly speaks of her.
If it's just the odd message for birthdays etc, then no worries. If that's the case he's treating her very much like one would treat an old aunt you don't particularly talk to, you just congratulate them and ask how they are out of politeness. And this sort of communication isn't exactly something he should have to report back to you. I don't think he's been hiding it, there just isn't any need to inform you of it, just like there is no need to inform you of every other person he communicates with ever so slightly.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@eddie85 it wasn't a serious relationship with her - he took as much as he wanted, but was fair enough to quit it before it got too serious. i also don't think he would go back, she wanted to continue and get more serious, but he didn't.@chigirlthis was helpful angle of seeing things - she was a nice girl, but simply they didn't match in some important aspects of life. they are not, as far as i know, seeing each other in person. she responds politely, very shortly.i never said i know about it as i found it out at first unintentionally, afterwards i purposefully looked for it and always found it. he is very sensitive to this kind of things, at the beginning i was open, but later on, as he would always get upset if i tell what upsets me (if it is connected with some type of jealousy), i tend not to speak about it, only if i'm really upset, i can't hide it.(sorry, have to go now, will respond to others later - thank you all!)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 September 2011): I wouldn't like that and definitely find it weird. It's possible he feels something is missing. If he were 100% happy I don't think he would be checking up on an ex regularly if at all. Are they friends on facebook? Maybe she updates her status alot and he clicks on it periodically to see the status update or something like that. Idk. It's strange. Obviously he has a sense of nostalgia of some sort. That aside, how is the rest of your relationship? Is he awesome with you? Are you guys head over heels for each other? Sometimes it is easier to assess what is going on when you put things in perspective. If you both have an amazing relationship then maybe you can see past this or see the reason for this. But if you feel something is missing too then maybe something is missing and this will be an issue.One more thing, don't forget that this is your relationship and your life and happiness at stake. If there is something you don't like and you feel uncomfortable about, speak up. Let him know what you have noticed, let him know that it is unacceptable and that you will not tolerate it. If he respects you this will stop immediately, he will have good answers to all your questions, he will appease all your fears and he will turn his focus to you. If, on the other hand, he gets defensive, then this is a red flag.
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A
female
reader, babylav  +, writes (27 September 2011):
i honestly feel he's just curious to know about his ex's life.a survey done last year showed that facebook users searched and spied their life secretly through their profiles.i have done it too!and still do it lol !i love my partner like crazy ..he checks out his ex's profiles to and tells me when he finds out they are married or something.my friend came home the other day just to check on updates of her ex's marriage!this is all normal human behavior,people do it just out of curiosity ..what's the big deal he congratulated her and thats a good thing.he wouldn't do that if he still likes her.he's just being nice wishing her and stuff ..more because he ditched her..it would be kiddish to purposely not wish! he didn't tell you ofcourse because men always avoid telling these things thinking that it will lead to a fight, not realising that at least telling will make us feel secure!but if he is checking a LOT then he has gotten addicted to checking her profile so you need to let him know that you know it and you felt bad!then ask him if he still likes her or just curious about her...instead of playing the suspicious lover play the game of innocent kitten "sniff i think you haven't got over her :'(":P GOD BLESS
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (27 September 2011):
Maybe he feels she's a great girl, just wasn't the one for him. And maybe he always felt bad about hurting her feelings and breaking up with her. If you care about someone, and are a good person, breaking up with them can make you feel pretty guilty. So it'd be natural to check in on them now and again and sort of let them know you still care about them.
Only problem is... should he be checking in on her to let her know he cares? Are they great friends aside from facebook and birthday messages? Do they hang out, and hold no grudges, and regularly meet or something? Or is this all a charade and pretend-friendship?
It might be genuine, or probably is genuine as he wouldn't have dumped her, nor proposed marriage to you, if he actually still wanted her (we hope at least). But then again maybe he only contacts her because he feels bad about having to end things with her, and this is his way of making up for it. How does she respond? Maybe she thinks it's uncomfortable, maybe her husband finds it uncomfortable, just like you find it uncomfortable?
Have you told your boyfriend how this makes you feel? Have you asked him why he does this?
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A
male
reader, eddie85  +, writes (27 September 2011):
 It sounds like he still has some feelings for her -- or at least feels that she will always be a part of his life. It also appears like he shares a significant bond with her that is likely to continue for the foreseeable future.
He may be checking up on her to make sure she is all right, but I suspect mostly he is playing nostalgia games with himself: he likes to think that he still matters in her life, when in fact, it appears she has moved on (especially if she is newly married).
You don't mention how long ago they broke up, but if it is recent, he may be having second thoughts or regrets.
Either way, if you feel uncomfortable about it, I suggest talking openly about it with him in a calm and reasonable matter. I don't think he has plans on going back "there" (it takes two to tango and if she is married, she's probably moved on) but none the less, you should be the #1 woman in his life now and he may need to be reminded of that fact.
Good luck.
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