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female
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anonymous
writes: please help! i've been with my bf for 4yrs, thing is he has 3 kids to his ex wife she's an alcoholic and is never sober. well one night the police called my bf to say that they were bringing the kids down as his ex wife was lying blacked so my boyfriend who i live with had to take me to my mums as his ex wife didn't want the kids to meet me well anyway later that night my bf phoned me and asked me to come back up as his daughter wanted to meet me as his oldest daughter told her all about me as she lived with us at the time. so i went up i met the two younger kids everything was great until the ex wife found out and decided my bf wasn't to see his son who's only 5. now she's letting him see the wee boy but only under the circumstances that i'm not there which my bf has agreed to and i've no problem with that as his kids will always come before me but it means me having to leave my home and go and stay with my mum when the kids are staying at our place. my friends say if he was any kind of man he'd have told his ex wife that i'm part of his life now and we come as a couple so when the kids come to stay i will be there 2 and they said i should say something to my bf about this. do you think i should? because he does everything his ex wife says she says shit and he says where's the shovel and not only that she sits and bad mouths me to the kids and to my bf when she's on the phone but he lets her say it and the best about it is she doesn't even know me. please give me some advice. thx
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female
reader, DEBS83  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 iam in the same postion as you so i know its not easy wat you need to do is tell ure bf to stand up to her even wen slagging you off also tell him to seek legal advice as iam a mother i can see it from her pointof view as well she mite not be over him and blames you etc and dont want you playing happy familys wth her kids but you hv been tgether 4years so she shud ecxept that the kids hv to know who you are but tell ure bf tht your not guna leave your home each time the kids come down as its not fair on you and the kids need will mk up there own mind about you regadless to wat there mum tells um good luck
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 The reason for my question was to try to figure out if she had any basis at all for her antagonism towards you other than mere jealousy and apparently she doesn't. I really would look into the full custody though, suicide threats or not because the children need stability. I hope I didn't offend you with the question by the way.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwhen he went for the divorce the court said he could have the kids two days a week, he told his ex wife that he was going for full costody of the kids but she threatened to kill herself & she's known for taking overdoses as she's done it opteen times. i know those wee children need help & if i could i'd have them living with me & my bf because they're going through hell with their mother but i feel as though i can't say anything because they're not my kids. she even told her 2 daughters that she didnt want them because she has her son & that's all she wants so my bf told his youngest daughter to come & live with him as the oldest daughter was living with us at the time but she's moved back in with her mum to be closer to her friends & the youngest daughter i think doesn't want to leave her mum as she worrys about her when she's blocked
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyes eyeswideopen i met him after the marriage broke up, if he'd still been with his wife i wouldn't have started a relationship with him.
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male
reader, Wildlife dude  +, writes (26 October 2006):
 Your boyfriend needs to get a lawyer and have papers drawn up about visitation rights with his kids which don't dictate whom he can have at his home during their visits. As long as the children are not being exposed to an unhealthy environment, she has no right to make these demands and send you packing during their visits. She is both immature and manipulative. Best wishes.
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female
reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
 (I have to say that after reading Irish's advice, I totally agree with her 100%.)
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female
reader, stina +, writes (26 October 2006):
Hello Anon,
I do think that you need to have a discussion about this with your boyfriend. Although the children are not yours and you don't really have a say in how their brough up, you definitly shouldn't have to leave your home (and boyfriend of 4 years) because his they are coming over.
To me, it sounds like he sits there and takes what she has to say because he's afraid that she'll keep the kids away from him. Legally, she cannot do that. I highly doubt that the court agreed to this when they were discussing the children.
If the kids come over, then I think that you should stay home. If the wife says that your boyfriend cannot see the kids because of it, then I really think he should take legal action. There's no reason why she should be putting up such a fuss. And there is no reason why your boyfriend should put up with threats.
But remember, it's ultimately up to your boyfriend to make the final decision on any of this. If he doesn't want to try and work things out with all of you, then are you prepared to do this another 13 years? (The little boy is 5, so until he is an adult at 18, she could potentially keep this nonsense up.) Just something to consider.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (26 October 2006): I realize you feel hurt over your bf's lack of courage to stand up to his ex-wife in regards to you. Who cares if the ex doesn't like you! What I found most disturbing is your bf's unwillingness and inability to protect his own children from a woman (their Mother) who clearly has emotional problems and is an alcoholic. I think it's time he went to his lawyer and got full custody of his kids . No excuses. These kids need some stability. When there is a divorce and one parent is floundering badly, the other parent steps up to the plate and takes responsibility for the kids. I am wondering 'why' your bf is not doing anything to protect his children. Haven't you wondered this, also? If it were me, I'd tell him to grow a spine and help his kids. Doing this, may finally motivate his ex-wife to get some much needed counseling for her emotional problems and her addiction. .This whole family is a mess..he needs to start repairing the damage by giving his kids a safe place to go. If he does this, stand behind him and support him...all the way.
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female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (26 October 2006):
Just curious, Did you meet your boyfriend after the marriage broke up?
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