A
female
age
30-35,
*rueLoveWaits2016
writes:I have been dating my bf for almost a couple months. He was w/his ex for a long time and still has her stuff tho its been awhile since they broke up. Her stuff is still there and I want it gone, I don't want her to have any hold on him. He has been talking about getting rid of it pretty much since we met. Then again I'm a person who would get rid of stuff w/in weeks/months of the break up. I dated another guy who lived w/his ex for the entire time we dated, I was stupid putting up w/that situation. He kept promising me he would get another roommate, but never did. Whenever I came across a guy w/ex baggage, I was always left in the cold after investing feelings. I have zero patience for my partners exes and I always close my doors when ending a relationship. I gave him a timeline and told him the stuff better be gone or I'm gone.
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broke up, ex girlfriend, roommate Reply to this Question
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female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (14 August 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe are exclusive been for almost a few months. Its not gifts she gave him, its her stuff that she wants backs (random house stuff), I never asked him if he kept gifts from her, I don't care. I really care about him and I can feel like this is actually genuine. Learning from experience I can tell for the most part when a guy is being genuine.
A
male
reader, Riot2017  +, writes (14 August 2017):
Yes, don't damage anything.
Don't let this slide. Like you mention, the longer her ex's stuff remain there, the longer you'll have troubles and the bigger troubles get.
He need to learn to move on and focus on you, and not look back. He needs to learn to set healthy boundaries: if his previous relationship is over, it's for something, it's time for him to move on.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017): Oh, by the way...I have some very expensive gifts that were given to me by my now-deceased partner, and from a brief relationship I had a couple of years before my present boyfriend. I'm not disposing of gifts or expensive artwork to prove I love my guy. I would not expect that of him, and he doesn't expect that of me. He borrows a leather jacket he knows was a gift. He has a lot of pictures from the past. His exes cheated on him. So we both had clean slates. No exes to worry about. The first died of cancer. I got dumped and never looked back for the second one. I'm good and he's good.
Keeping things do not necessarily keep you attached to a person. They are only "things."
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2017): Sweetheart, I didn't mean to give the impression that you don't have a right to insist your boyfriend distances himself from his ex. My response to you was to advise against throwing out her personal-property that could come back to bite him in the ass.
If you follow any of my posted responses regarding exes, I believe exes should get the hell out of the way when a new romantic-interest comes along. Your new BF or GF has the responsibility to set boundaries and keep platonic friendships and romantic-relationships under separate management. They should be handled differently and according to the nature of the connection you have. No blurred-lines.
Demanding things from a guy you're barely sure he's your boyfriend; makes you look bossy and insecure. Once you're officially an exclusive and established couple; you have right to clean house. That goes both ways. He shouldn't have to deal with your ex-boo chatting you up and texting you like the good old days.
No chummy-exes, less chat with lady-ex, and more time and attention to your present woman. They are exes for a reason. It defies logic that you couldn't get along when you were a committed-couple; yet you're inseparable-friends when it comes to the new love-interest. That sh*t won't fly with me, and I'm not sticking around for the side-show and drama. I'm out.
Women would save themselves a lot of heartache by listening to their commonsense and not recklessly following their hearts to cling to a total piece of male fecal-matter. Some dude trying to have a new-chick and a side-chick at the same time. If your intuition tells you somethings up; just observe how chummy and physical they are around each other.
Don't let jealousy make you foolishly jump to conclusions without evidence to justify your actions and behavior.
You don't get to choose his friends; but you do get to choose your boyfriends. You can find yourself someone single, available, loving, respectful, and ex-less!
What other guys did to you is your baggage. He doesn't have to take responsibility for that. You do. Judge him by what he does, not what others did to you.
People with super-strong ties to their exes who spend their every waking-moment texting and chatting should be avoided. Once you detect a guy can't leave his ex alone; and insists on keeping her around, in spite of your discomfort and objections. There is more going on than meets the eye. She has no right intruding on your time, and he has no right to disrespect you by answering all her messages and calls in your face. While expecting you to shut-up and put-up with it. Advice is useless if you ask, and stick with him regardless; yet suffering the whole time.
The problem comes when you see all this and he refuses to reduce their contact to show you that you are his priority and the number-one woman in his life. If he doesn't have the balls to do that; then you had better have the brains to reel in your heart and dump the guy. Don't walk into a love-triangle; if you see he and his ex are conjoined at the hip. Inside jokes, constant contact, and he snaps at you if you say anything. These are signs to look for, but you've got to be woman enough to move on. Either that, or be the whiny bitchy chick always griping about his ex and feeling insecure.
You demand a man realize your worth and respect your presence. You don't wait to be validated or to be told your place. You're better than that, and deserve better than that. Wanting a guy so bad you'll be stupid for him, only means you'll have a miserable relationship. While Miss Ex is manipulating and sabotaging the relationship.
Just having her belongings around doesn't mean he still feels for her. It's the amount of contact and interaction that flows between them that you should be concerned about.
I hope this helps more.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (13 August 2017):
 I can appreciate where you're coming from and I think the best course of action is to pace yourself emotionally. See him as someone you're currently dating and until you're more confident about the situation.
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (13 August 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionW/my 1st ex I did make the mistake of letting the ex stuff slide (I knew early on). W/my current bf, he mentioned he had her stuff, but never went into details until much later. I don't feel like a rebound, he never just uses me for sex nor did he pressure me for it. Idk what to do, I feel like he is genuine, but I really just want the ex out of his life. I don't wish anything mean on her, just want her to leave us alone. I am not a spiteful person and once I end something w/someone, they stay out of my life for good.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (13 August 2017):
If she is spiteful, then isn't the best thing would be to NOT contact her? If it is just stuff then I do not see the importance of returning it.
While it is possible for people to still be hung on their exes, you should not force an issue. Simply and calmly request that he put those things away, as he would want the same of you. The two of you are still dating, so take it slow and calmly learn to deal with your own insecurities as well, else you come off as a crazy gf who controls her bf. Despite what you may feel or think, no one wants to be controlled in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (12 August 2017):
 Auch the spiteful Ex-GF; another drama waiting behind the scenes to unfold... It sure doesn't get easy for you does it?
Just be cool, keep out of the way and always let him deal with her drama. Best to keep your nose out of their BS anyway and focus on having a good time with him!
Interesting that you have a consistent habit of attracting guys who still have Ex's in their lives?
Perhaps you need to relieve yourself first of this pattern once and for all, instead of accepting men who come with a built in package of drama? You can’t be happy if you keep playing the care-giver to these people without receiving TLC for yourself.
I understand why you gave the ultimatum as you're frustrated. Although let the frustration be with yourself to change this pattern/cycle of attraction.
I think you need a check list; for starters, is the guy genuinely single, emotionally ready for a relationship, has no connection with an Ex or on Facebook etc - yes. Then you can proceed like the rest of us :)
All the best - CAA
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A
female
reader, TrueLoveWaits2016 +, writes (12 August 2017):
TrueLoveWaits2016 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI do regret giving an ultimatum, but I've had really bad experiences w/several guys who still had exes in their lives. The stuff is just house stuff. It worries me because she has contacted him recently and he told me that she is pretty spiteful (I only heard his side so Idk if its 100% true). I really do not want to get stuck again caring about a guy still is hung up on his ex. Btw I do not plan on damaging anything.
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A
male
reader, Xearo +, writes (10 August 2017):
Can you clarify the "stuff" in question?
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A +, writes (9 August 2017):
Let’s not get too hasty (or domineering) with something that does not necessarily belong to you nor are you in charge of doing the disposing. As much as you get rid of stuff after a breakup as I do, guys are a bit more ho hum lax about it; they're about getting around to it 'one day'.
This says to me, their wounds perhaps have not healed as one would like? Plus by the sounds of it, you've just entered this new relationship with a guy who evidently is not over his Ex for her belongings to still be there? Removing these items still won’t guarantee you that she won’t have a hold on him?
Now to what monitory value do her belongs come to and what are the leftover items exactly for you to be so angry to give him an ultimatum; furniture, clothes, chattels? Beware not to damage any items in your haste to take over your new territory with your BF either.
As much as you like and it is healthy to move forward after breakups, others need a bit of encouragement (a kick start) to smell the new day, but never ultimatums; as true love will wait, be patient and kind!?
Take Care – CAA
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A
male
reader, Denizen  +, writes (9 August 2017):
 Well, I suppose if she doesn't come and collect her goods after being asked then she can be charged for storage if you want to look at legalities.
However, closer to home, you do seem to come across as being implacable over this. Remember not everyone will share your attitude, and it isn't really up to you to try and impose it. Live and let live.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 August 2017): Whoa, hold on a minute! You don't just go and throw-out peoples belongings. They can take you to small-claims court and sue you for disposal of things of value. In most U.S. small-claims courts; that can be up to $5000, if you can prove it. If they were on a lease, and he has her property; he either must forward it, or notify her to come get it within 30-60 days by a certified-letter. Maintain the shipping and claim receipts to prove your actions.
If he has her forwarding address, he should package them and send them certified for a receipt to show they were claimed.
Even if he drops them off at a friend or family member, get a signed and notarized affidavit they accepted the property on her behalf; or they might keep it and lie they were never received. You are considered custodian of her property until she returns to claim them or accepts them when returned.
If they return unclaimed, keep the receipt and dispose preferably after 60 days. Depending on your state's statutes. I recommend you ask an attorney what that is.
You cannot throw things out without a warning. Especially clothing, devices, furniture, jewelry, or valuable personal-effects. I don't mean little keepsakes or junk, I mean of any significant value or volume. You may have in your past; but you lucked-out. All his ex needs is leverage. So cool your jets!
Your jealousy is getting the better of you; and you've only got two months under your belt. You had better be more concerned about the impression you're making by being hot-headed and jealous; rather than worrying about what "might possibly" transpire between them at some unknown date and time.
WARNING!
Get a grip, girlfriend? You haven't worn that title long enough to be so bossy and demanding! Set it to your lower-mode!
If you don't want to see them, box and store them in a closet.
If only a box-full, they can also be dropped-off at a local police station; and they'll notify her that they are holding some of her belongings until they are claimed. If they dispose of her things after they've notified her, there is nothing she can do. They will issue you an official slip indicating you dropped off lost or abandoned property.
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A
male
reader, Riot2017 +, writes (9 August 2017):
You both need to meet in the middle.
Your BF can't get rid of that stuff right now, and you can force him to get those things out.
Meet in the middle. Get a large box ,and store all of that stuff in a single place, tape it well.
Encourage him to call or email her ex to tell her that she has stuff in there and if she wants to pick it up or you can volunteer to deliver those stuff. This doesn't needs to be done right away, but the fact that the things are all in a single place, packed away, it's a healthy signal that your BF is willing to get over his baggage to have a relationship with you.
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A
female
reader, Ciar +, writes (9 August 2017):
Yeah, I don't see a question here either, but I'll add my 2 cents anyway.
I'm all for boundaries and deadlines where appropriate but those are things you apply to yourself. Not things you impose on others, and like the others have said 'almost a couple of months' is a bit soon to be this forward with the guy.
Instead of big declarations, you could quietly scale back your investment. If there seems to be on-gong communication between he and his ex then just walk away. no fuss, no drama.
What you invest and when is up to you. What other people do is up to them.
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A
male
reader, judgedick  +, writes (9 August 2017):
 and is he happy about you trying to put his balls into your hand bag, it did not take long for you to take over his life, I think you need to give your Unix the address to this site as he has not the balls to decide for himself what to do with her goods, but for some strange reason you think you can lay down ultimatums about what he can have in his house or not, this is a matter between him and her if he dumps her stuff it could happen that he would have to pay to replace it, this guy has to take responsibility in his life and tell the girls he falls for that his space is his and not let himself be walked all over.
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A
male
reader, Denizen +, writes (9 August 2017):
I've looked but I can't see a question in here. You have stated you feelings quite clearly so now you have to decide what you are going to do about the situation to bring a successful resolution.Suggestions? 1. Take some boxes around to your boyfriend and help him pack them up? 2. Lay down an ultimatum like I won't be seeing you again until her stuff is gone? 3. Get her number and text her to come and collect her belongings at an early date. If there is no answer put the stuff in the skip.Hope that helps.
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A
male
reader, Allumeuse +, writes (9 August 2017):
Its a bit early to be throwing ultimatums about, if fact ultimatums are the worst way to get what you want. If you do it alot I'd change that habit pretty soon. In healthy relationships your partner will want to make you happy, not have to do some thing as a result of your threats. Are you insecure? If so you are projecting these feelings onto something that may not be a thing. He might have a hard time letting go, or he might have stopped noticing them but have enough respect for his ex not to just throw them in the bin.Why not just tell him you feel strange having his exes things around, and suggest you help him put them neatly and respectfully in a box for her to collect of for him to send to her.Unless she is actively trying to get back with him she is not your enemy, she is just a part of his history that made him the man you are attracted to, so treat him and her with respect, or your threats and misplaced anger may cause your things to be in the box. Best of luck
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