A
female
age
41-50,
*roublesbutloved
writes:My boyfriend has a daughter that is 7. Her mother and my boyfriend have been apart for sometime. The mother has had a boyfriend living with her for the last year. Recently me and my boyfriend have moved in together. When his daughter comes over she likes me, but gets very jealous. We lay on the couch for 2mins. She'll whine and want something, or start wrestling with her dad. At first it was fine. But when it comes to bed time....she wants to sleep with her dad. We make her a bed on our floor in our room, but she wines and lays in bed with us. We haven't slept alone since she's been over. She doesn't do this with her mom and her boyfriend. I want him to set boundaries for her without making him angry. What do I do? What do i say about this situation?
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male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 March 2010):
 She doesn't do that at her moms because she's daddy's little girl.
A dad is the first male a daughter loves, and puts her trust into. These bonds are important because in cases I've researched where the dad doesn't build a positive relationship with his daughter, often she grows up having to learn how to bond with a man where she wants a relationship.
Knowing this, she may like you, but her sleeping with you is affirming to her that she's still her dad's love or important to her dad, even though there is another female here. Kids need affirmation. My youngest daughter is 10, she still asks a couple of times a week, that if she gets scared, can she come in my room to sleep. I tell her each time, anytime she's scared she can. She knows it, by repeating it affirms that to her.
You'll need to ween her from doing this, and on your end, when you're alone with her, affirm her importance to her dad, saying like, "your dad told me how proud he is of you for ...." or whatever else may come to mind, but keep it affirming. She needs to know that even with your presence, she's not loosing importance or love in her dad's eyes. In a sense, to her, you're the other woman. It's also important where you have time with him, that she does to. Not to exclude you, but to affirm. Such as he takes her on an after dinner walk or a morning to the park. This will give her the sense that she gets time with him, so it's fair that you do too. Affirming provides her that even though you are there, she's still loved and cared for by her dad, and you're not steeling the love he has for her, for yourself. At her age it's difficult to understand the love for more than one person, as equal parts. They see it if you're getting some, the level for her is decreasing. Such as "mom loves me best" between siblings, isn't always just as saying as much as it is how they feel at that moment. This is why, with my kids I don't tell them I love them for their differences (they'd see what differences are better than the other). I tell them simply, I love them for being who they are.
I hope this helps you. Don't take any of this to make you feel uncomfortable. You and she both have the right to him. It's only to help you provide her with knowing because her dad love you, she's still loved by him too, and not any less than before. Take care.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2010): I agree with Eyes.
Also, is she getting any time alone with her dad? Maybe he could take her out, so she has some one to one with him.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (4 March 2010):
 This needs to be nipped in the bud. Tell her she can come to your bed for a snuggle before sleeping but she has to sleep in her own bed. If she doesn't do this with her mom then it shouldn't be a problem once you put your foot down. The only thing is you will need to clear this with your boyfriend, but really a 7 year old doesn't need to be sleeping with Daddy anyway. A united front is a wonderful thing.
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