A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I am 28 years old, my boyfriend is 30, we have been together for a year and a half. we don't live together.I found out recently his got a profile on a dating site. a friend was browsing the site and came across the profile, she informed me about. it clearly shows its him, all his photos, and has listed his interests/hobbies and has "im looking for friendship as i have a girlfriend, just someone with similar interests".I've had 2 serious long term relationships in the past, both of them I found out were on dating sites and both cheated on me with women from these sites. My ex when i confronted him about his profile, he admitted to using the site then he never spoke to me again, he run away like a coward he couldn't even break up with me.I don't want to lose my current boyfriend, I love him, I just want to know why he is on a dating site looking for female friends? I just want him to delete it and never use sites like that, but I am so terrified to talk to him about it. I am worried he will just run away like my ex did or break up with me because he wants to use these sites or my request is unfair to think using these sites are inappropriate while in a relationship. I don't know what to do anymore, I can't sleep or eat and I can't understand why this keeps happening. :( help
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): 6 months into my previous relationship and a friend of mine (female) found my boyfriend's profile on a dating website!! Also it said he had been active within the last 24 hours. I confronted him and he said he was just being nosey (yeah right) and hadn't actually 'chatted' with any of them. He then immediately took his profile down. However, he only did that when he'd been caught out. I stayed with him several months after that but all the trust had gone. Why would anyone really go on a dating website to meet 'friends' there are lots of ways to make friends with people other than a dating website. He is not being honest and lets face it you are not going to trust him either.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2014): Hi OP here, thanks everyone for the comments, it has really helped.I already know in my heart it would be a deal breaker if he didn't want to remove it. I know the pain already it causes in a relationship and I don't want that again.I think the profile is actually a really old profile he has had well before he met me, just seems like his never stopped using it, he just updated it to say his got a girlfriend now. It could be totally innocent, or it might not be, I just want him to remove it and stop using it. He actually has not really had much relationship experience, only a few girls in the past that lasted a few months, over the time we have been together I've noticed he seems a bit clueless about somethings when it comes to the relationship.the only thing all these men ive been with that have in common are ... they have been or are in the military. Otherwise they are not similar in any other way at all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I have been through lots of 'crap' with bf's and dating sites too. If that happened to me, I would look him in the eye and say (gently) " Hun, my gf found your profile on a dating site. That is absolutely a deal breaker for me. If you want to have profiles on the net, I can't have a relationship with you". Then I would let him respond, and I would not interrupt for ages, giving him a chance to think and talk and think and talk. If he says he is so sorry, will take it down, wants a relationship blah blah, I would likely continue to see him, but I am confident my feelings and trust would fade eventually anyway. If he says it means nothing, he is keeping it up etc, I would say (with no anger), "fine, I wish you all the best". pack my things and leave or politely ask him to leave. I would then never have anything to do with him again while my heart heals.Believe in what you want and deserve and do not settle for less. You can't think clearly now while you are hurting, so I can tell you objectively: Do not put up with any crap. it will make you more miserable for longer, than the heartache and disappointment you will feel walking away. Wait, and do not settle. Life is better on your own than with someone you can't trust. A man will respect you SO MUCH more when you let him know that you will only accept respect. Your delivery of information about what is acceptable to you, can always be calm and kind, but make sure you let him know in no uncertain term.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Unlike the other posters, I don't think it's worth having that conversation about why he is on there. Aint nobody got time for that sort of nonsense.Anyone in a relationship would know that being on a dating site when in a relationship is not cool. If he doesn't KNOW that it is not appropriate, then really your ideas of what is acceptable in a relationship are divergent. He might agree to delete the profile but if he doesn't agree with the reason for deleting it who is to say he won't create another - or make friends through another equally questionable means?If he does agree that it is not on then what is he doing there? Either way, can you trust him after this?Especially knowing as he does that you've had bad experiences?I would also look into the type of man that you are choosing. 2 out of 2 serious relationships with the same issue point towards a certain type of guy. Ask yourself and your close friends what these men have in common and learn to look out for it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (9 July 2014):
 Sorry but I think he is up to no good. I don't believe he is just looking for people with similar interests. Why have these people to be women only, and why is he looking for them on a DATING site? It would make sense, and it would be believable, if he had posted on some site or forum for the specific interests he wants to cultivate Like , if he likes movies, a movie buffs site.
But on a dating site ? I think that his mention of his gf is just a disclaimer to cover his ass. You know, flirting, "clicking ", manouvering so that a little something happens, you never know- then saying : Hey I told you, can't do anything serious. I have a girlfriend !
I think you should not only follow Cerberus'advice- asking him to delete his profile because it makes you uncomfortable and because it is not apppropriate for a man who is in a relationship, but also ask him my question : if he is just looking for friends why is he looking for them in the wrong place ?
Maybe he has a better answer than mine. Let's hope it.
And what if he gets mad , defensive and dumps you ?... Then you'd had the proof that he was up to no good.
A caring boyfriend would reaize that having a dating profile may be seen as inappropriate by his SO, and, knowing your story, would also see were you are coming from and would not think you are asking too much.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): OP Here, thanks for your comments Cerberus, i totally agree...its just not on when in a relationship, there is no need to be on these kind of websites.
he does know about my past already so that's why i was really surprised when i was informed about him having a profile on a dating site
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): OP just explain to him that you'd feel more comfortable with him deleting the profile.
I mean knowing your history he shouldn't have one in the first place and if you ask me there is zero reason to have a dating profile while you're in a relationship anyway.
I mean it's a dating profile, they're only relevant and necessary if you're single. They're highly inappropriate if you're spoken for. It's the online version of going into singles bars alone chatting up women, it's not on.
Just tell him how you feel, what's happened in the past and get him to delete the profile.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Hi Op here, i thought about doing a fake account, but, my first boyfriend i ever had was using dating sites, i made a fake account to chat to him to find the truth. when i confronted him for chatting dirty online with the evidence, i was accused of invading his privacy and he dumped me, he went and told family and friends I was spying on him :(. I honestly feel stuck, like i cant talk to him without fear. im just tired of it.im thinking of running away from the relationship so i dont have to talk about it, im over this high school crap
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Hi OP here. He has hundreds of friends, and he lives with 3 of his best mates and every weekend his catching up with male or female friends. He has a great social life and i cant see why he would be seeking more female friends in particular on a dating site.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): If it were me I'd set up a fake profile and start chatting to hinm, it'll be pretty obvious from what he says if he's looking to cheat on you our not..
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): I think you're right to be dubious that he's only looking for friendship. However, you do have the fact that he openly proclaimed to have a girlfriend to lean on; he's not trying to hide you.I think, as tough as it may be, you have to keep a cool head.Don't start by bringing up the dating site. "Sit him down" casually (pillow talk perhaps) and ask about his life in general, especially his social life. You know, undercover agent style (small pun). Sometimes couples spend so much time together one or both of the people miss out on other social interactions and long for them. Try to understand where he is coming from and what he may miss about being single, like meeting new people frequently. Moreover, whatever you do not let that conversation devolve into mentioning his profile. Take in what he said, sleep on it and plan you next move from there...maybe post another question.If you feel like there is no good reason for his behavior, empower yourself. Confront him directly and ask him to explain -- perhaps give him the context of your past experiences. If after all that you're still unimpressed, DUMP HIM. Put yourself in the driver's seat.Whatever you do, don't blame yourself. They're ones that made the profile -- the fault lies with them.Good luck!
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