A
female
age
30-35,
*lsiecrane
writes:Guilt ridden, destroying an amazing relationship. What should I do?Where to begin...Over a yr. Ago, I was in a short term abusive relationship. I left himThe guy tried to entrap me, hole poked in condom.I met and fell hard for my current boyfriend.He encouraged me to have an abortion, he wouldn't be with me if I kept the baby. I had an abortion. We were only seeing each other a 2 months before I moved 6 hrs. Away for work firefighting.He was not clear if we were in a exclusive relationship, was aloof. I was insecure.We had a pregnancy scare, he was not supportive.I wasn't pregnant luckily, at this point I was resentful. I cheated on him. It was terrible, i regretted it. Made up my mind to move home with family and not him. 4 months into the relationship he opened up,He fell madly in love with me, and I him.Instead of moving home, I got a place with him.1 yr.after cheating,He is the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. Hes handsome, treats me like a queen,good in bed. Wants to marry me someday. I try to tell him my insecurities and doubt, home sickness ect. And he's supportive and says im a "amazing strong person that he loves more than anything"He doesn't know, that im chewed up with guilt. Can't tell him, hurting him is not an option.I love him, and resent him at the same time. Resent for not being clear on his feelings in the begining, resent for losing my baby. (I may be sterile now)Resent for living in a place I hate and am so far from family.Resent for him being so good to me that i cant just leave!Feels stupid saying that.Hes everything I could ask for, we get along perfectly. Im supportive of him getting a real job. Hes supportive of me in my very physically/mentally challenging job.I don't think Id be happier moving back home.My friends there are all drug addicts now.But this guilt, i cant shake.I feel like the shittiest person in the world for cheating on someone that turned out to be so good to me.Thought I could live with the guilt, a kind of self punishment and reminder to value what I have. But I cant do it anymore. Self loathing and insecurity is making me so unhappy. Im living a lie. I ruined my chance of happiness with someone i want a future with.At wits end, in need of unbiased advice.
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abortion, condom, insecure Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, elsiecrane +, writes (11 July 2014):
elsiecrane is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you for the advice. I came clean about it.
Truth will set you free right? Told him basically everything anonymous female reader said. (I didnt read this first, you nailed it!)
He is hurt, said he was uncertain of his feelings in the begining and agreed our relationship wasnt clear. (I cant read his mind!)
He wants to stay with me, said "Im the best thing that has happened to him, changed his life in so many positive ways he cant let me go." " He trusts, I wouldnt do that now or in the future. But the thought of me being with someone else hurts him. Makes the begining of our relationship not special."
I encouraged him to think about it, make sure this is something he really wants and will be happy. We cant have a healthy relationship with resentment and broken trust.
Im making plans to move home, in case it doesnt work out.
Part of me is happy, being around him makes me happy.
The other part, heart ache.
Even if he can forgive me, I can never forgive myself for stooping so low. I dont know if I can move on, seeing him brings on my self-antagonizing of what I did to someonene who turned out to be so good.
No I use contraceptives (condoms)btw. I have endomitriosis now and ptoestrogin gives me blood clots. Wish i could use birthcontrol.
Never thought a guy would try to get me preg. Thats crazy!speaking of ex btw
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): Draw a line in the sand in your mind. Up to a point, it was a 'dating' time. Not exclusive, not serious, not sure. He didn't treat you well and you didn't treat him well. You didn't know if you were exclusive, and he wasn't sure if he wanted to be exclusive. He wasn't sure he wanted to have a baby with you, because he barely knew you.THEN came the commitment and exclusivity with each other. Make that the line in the sand. Forgive, forget and don't discuss everything before that. See your 'relationship' as starting at that point. Make a decision to forget the rest. You don't know what he was doing before that point, and decide that you don't want to know. He may very well have seen someone else too. Don't find out. If you can't to this, if you can't draw that line, then you are going to have to tell all to your bf. Tell him everything and then see where the cookie crumbles - so to speak. Tell him about your resentment, your uncertainty, your sadness. Tell him you didn't know things were going to work out, and that you didn't know he actually wanted to be with you. He MAY realize and agree that you were not exclusive at that time, it may upset him, but he may also see the trauma you experienced too. It MAY bring you closer and clear the air.It may also destroy everything, and your relationship will be over. Unfortunately that is just what you will have to face and deal with and eventually get over. You can not spend the rest of your life with this guilt and resentment. It will likely make you very very sick.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2014):
 OP, your follow-up unfortunately didn't change my opinion on this guy. He demands you abort an ex's child, and then threatens to leave you if you turn out to be pregnant with HIS child, and demands abortion of his own kid right off the bat. Actions speak louder than words.
And you "probably not being able to have kids"...I hope that isn't what you rely on as birth control!
You've gotta get out of this relationship, because it is as abusive as your last relationship.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2014):
OP, your follow-up unfortunately didn't change my opinion on this guy. He demands you abort an ex's child, and then threatens to leave you if you turn out to be pregnant with HIS child, and demands abortion of his own kid right off the bat. Actions speak louder than words.
And you "probably not being able to have kids"...I hope that isn't what you rely on as birth control!
You've gotta get out of this relationship, because it is as abusive as your last relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): A current BF telling you to abort an ex's baby is cold a hell, emotional blackmail, etc.
But its also a completely understandable feeling he was having. Nobody wants to get serious with a partner and then find out they are about to have a baby with their ex, which they will keep custody of, and all the permanent entanglements with the ex the situation will bring.
Cheating - Go ask a bunch of random men off the street if they would want to know if they got cheated on or not. The answer will be pretty consistent.
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A
female
reader, elsiecrane +, writes (9 July 2014):
elsiecrane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be clear, current bf told me to get abortion of my exs bababy. Then few months later pregnancy scare with current bf.(working out delayed period) he told me abort his baby if i was preg. "He wasnt ready" i agree, hes 28 yr old pizza delivery driver. He says hed be supportive now...I dont know if I believe it. I probably cant have kids now anyway.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 July 2014): He sounds like he isn't a good person or stable at all.
First he asks you to abort your child or he will leave, then he is aloof, unclear about your relationship/won't commit -he backs away from a pregnancy scare and now all of a sudden he loves you and you move in together.
I think if you stop to think about all of this you will see that he isn't a good bf. I agree you should have ended it because there is an undercurrent of unhappiness here which will come out in the end along with the guilt/cheating most likely.
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A
female
reader, elsiecrane +, writes (9 July 2014):
elsiecrane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow that was longer than i realized, im sorry. I really do appreciate your time and opinion on this.
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A
female
reader, elsiecrane +, writes (9 July 2014):
elsiecrane is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMy current boyfriend wanted me to abort my ex's baby. Yes it was cold blooded. With him also being aloof and I didnt even know if we were actually together or not. No one else knew we were together either. I was hurt, felt worthless, insecure. Just wanted to feel cared for. Turning to family wouldve been better, but i live and work 14 hrs away. Theres never a good excuse for cheating, its the first time I had done that. Never again. Right after i cheated, currnt bf made a huge turn around, told me loved me. Has been amazing ever since. I was on the fence on leaving him, i decided i would try to live with my guilt. We got a place together, its great, nice place, we get along so well never fight. But every sweet moment is tainted with that guilt. Cant stop punishing my self. Have been hurt so many times, how could I do that? If he knew he would certainlty hate me, he has the right to. Cant break his heart. Ive given myself enough issues, pushing them onto him is selfish. I fight back the desire to come clean everyday
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (9 July 2014):
There's a part of this I'm not clear on:
Did your current boyfriend tell you to have an abortion of HIS baby, or did your current boyfriend tell you to abort your ex's baby? Or did your ex tell you to abort his baby?
Because, if a current boyfriend told you to abort an ex's baby, that's cold as hell and was emotional blackmail. And if the baby was your new boyfriend's and he threatened not being there, that's cruel AND cold. No amount of being good in bed would ever change that.
Plus, you cheated? Why not just break up if you were feeling like that?
I see the writing on the wall here. If the relationship is destroyed, make it official, end things, and learn the lessons here, for which there are many.
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