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female
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anonymous
writes: My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months now. We are an awesome couple when things are great! But I don't know if I should leave him or not because he smokes weed. I don't like it. He says he'll stop when we are more serious about each other, but I don't see that happening. I've realized you can't change someone who doesn't want to change. So should I stay with him and get over the fact he will always smoke?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (27 July 2006):
 Saying that he'll quit when you two become "more serious" is a distraction. Don't let him kid you. Right now, his smoking is more important than you are. I'd say that even if you became "serious", his response would be that you're not serious *enough* yet. After that, the excuse will be that it helps him relax from the stress of school/work/the relationship. Later, he'll say he uses it to forget that you nag him about it.The excuses will never stop until he's ready to stop.***sigh***That's not to say he's not a great guy, but he sounds young and just a bit self-centred still. His own needs loom larger in his mind than your collective needs, as a couple. A few more years maturity might help, but that takes... well, a few years.You need to look at the whole package -- right now, as presented -- and decide if the good bits of your relationship outweigh the downsides of his dope use. Assume that what you see is what you get, and decide if you like "what you get" enough to endure the bland, boring patches where he thinks he's a great conversationalist and terrific company, when he's really slouched, slack-jawed, on the lounge watching "Funniest Videos".Does the rest of the relationship make up for his stoned periods? If so, then you really don't have a problem. Most guys tend to grow up and grow out of the smoking phase, eventually. Some don't. The real issue is, if he doesn't, is that a dealbreaker for you? I'd suggest you keep it in mind that he might always have a fondness for weed, and not make any future plans about him that don't include that possibility.If that idea makes you shudder, then you probably need to tell him so and plan on making your future with someone who doesn't use it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2006): speaking from my own experience i would say leave him.i was in this situation where the guy said he would quit,but it never happened.he wasted every penny he worked for on weed.but i also know that if you love (or even have a strong liking) for this guy that it can be hard to not even give him a chance.unltimately i think its your decision on whether or not to give him the chance to stop.if you think hes trustworthy and telling the truth that he will stop,then listen to your feelings and give him the chance.but its a very hard habit to kick,so keep that in mind.he may never stop,even if he does have intentions to quit for you.and ive seen a friend of mine as well that gave her bf the chance to quit,and he just decided to do it behind her back.most likely you should move on to a guy that doesnt have such a habit.but like i said,just follow what you feel is right for you :)
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