A
female
age
51-59,
*ivergirl
writes:My boyfriend has a BFF that he had as a child. When his wife was killed a few years ago, she reappeared. She had been a daily/hourly part of his life since the death. He and I started seeing each other last spring and she judged me from day one. I wanted to meet her, she wanted nothing to do with me. she continually bashed me to him. Understand, she lives 4 hours away. she told me she woul dbe my friend and I could rely on her while he was out of the country for several weeks without communication. The whole time he was gone she told me he coldn't love because he still cared for someone else (he had been seeing someone and it fell apart). She told me that he wasn't ready for me and that he depended on her more than God. He had to get himself together before he could ccare abotu anyone. when he returned I tried to talk to him little by little. I didn't want him to lose his friend. I tried hard. When his oldest son confirmed some of my worries he went off on her. She then blamed me and said that she had not said those things to me. The three of us sat down and talked one Sunday in August, I thought it was settled. In October I finally walked away from him. she continually bashes me to him and he doesn't do a thing. At this time he told her to back off, she didn't accept it well. I thought things were low key for them until slips of the tongue started. then I saw emails from her, 6 of them in an hour. I inquired as to their talking so much again and he says not to worry. Ok, so I don't trust them now. She is still being ugly about me. Such as, we have planning together. She makes the comment to him that she hopes he has fun on his hour date with me. She hopes he enjoys his time with me because she isn't getting any time with him. She wants to talk to him for hours every night, all day and refuses to try to be nice to me. I feel like they are going behind my back to have their friendship. I just wanted to be accepted and I can't be. He will not tell me anything about her, when he talks to her, that they email, nothing. If I get a text he asks that anybody we know? If the phone rings, who is that. But I am not to know anything about him, her, anything. I just wanted to be a part of his life like he says he wants me to be. We are planning to marry, have looked at house plans, vacations, etc but I am not allowed in their friendship at all. If he goes to drill, 2 hours form here, she may come there and they go to dinner and the movies or he goes and hangs out in her room and they "talk". I can't be a part of their relationship and he refuses to let me in, she refuses to let me in, I'm just supposed to understand and move on with the day. He tells me to please not be jealous of her. How am I not to be jealous?? Help me please. I almost walked away again today. He told me he didn't want to cover ground we had already covered but what I thought was happening isn't what was happening so he didn't keep his part of the agreement and neither did she. She told me that she knew that she had to have him for part of her daily life. That she couldn't function without him. That she had wanted to be the person that held him together. Am I wrong here?? How am I to marry him with her getting top priority??
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (2 February 2010): Try explaining to your bf that, if she was a true friend,
she wouldn't try to sabotage his love life.
My guess is that she's done the same thing with his previous gf's.
Doesn't your bf realize that by insulting you, she's also insulting him by proxy??
Her behavior is completely self-serving and juvenile. Your bf's behavior is also highly inappropriate, if he's agreeing to exclude you from their friendship. His first loyalty should be to his significant other (you).
Outside "friends" who disparage and denigrate a relationship need to be kicked to the curb. If you're going to be his wife, then you need to have the title of "best friend" as well.
There's a great book called, "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass, that I'd like to recommend you read. Maybe you can get your bf to read it as well. It sounds to me like he realllly needs to open his eyes.
Good luck.........
A
female
reader, rivergirl +, writes (30 January 2010):
rivergirl is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your opinion. At least I know that my feelings are not way out of the ballpark.
I did voice my concern and my anger to him tonight. it is his decision now. I will wait. I do love him. I guess we will see how he reacts. Thank you so much.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2010): Dont get married!!! This problem will not go away if you get married, furthermore, him being secretive about seeing this woman is a huge red flag!!
This man is not being honest to you, he is loving all the attention he is getting from both you and the bff.
He needs to make a decision, either you or her, and please dont be shocked if he chooses her.... she is only showing him the side that she wants him to see, guaranteed she would be a very different person once he is with her....
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A
female
reader, lovemylove +, writes (29 January 2010):
Don't jump into this marraige. He's a dick for giving more secretive time to her than you. You need to tell him if he's not going to tell you things that are troubling you 100% then you aren't sure he's being fair, nor much of a honest and loyal partner.
I wish I could meet thy bitch. She wouldn't be enjoying life!
Good luck! -lovemylove
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