A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Just wondering how I deal with a long time boyfriend with extreme anger issues.He throws things when he gets angry, like forks, pillows and his mobile phone. Tonight he threw a piece of pizza against my kitchen cupboards after we argued and he stormed out. That wasn't nice at all. One time in his car on our way to see my mother, he blew up at me and a car driving by reported his license plate to the police as they must have seen how out of control his anger was and feared for my safety. The police officer called him and asked to see me. We had to drive to the police station so that the officer could see I was not harmed. Then he asked me several questions about my boyfriend and if he was violent etc. There is a written report about the incident.We have trust issues and this is at the heart of our relationship problems. We have been together 8 years and he still does not want to live with me. He says he is committed but he still has his own place and I have mine. I stay at his place from Saturday night until Wednesday evening. He spends Thursday, Friday and Saturday (day) on his own. If it was for me, I would not have separate places. It is he who insists on needing his own space. Also you should know he is separated from his wife of 30 years for almost a year. He left her for me. But now he says he needs his space after I have waited for 8 years for him to make up his mind about his marriage. He says he loves me. Some of his actions back up his words but others do not. He says I need more closeness but he needs less. He says it is to have time for himself. That he needs to find himself again after having been married for so many years. He needs his own identity. He does not want another wife he says. But he does want me to spend four nights a week at his place, have sex with me, and treat me as a wife, and then go back to having his time to himself. I guess that is at the root of the discord. It almost feels like I am still being used like a mistress even though this man has left his wife, and has his own house now and he has moved on. With me. He even gets very angry if I call him on his days "OFF" from me and talk to him for a long time. He says I am smothering him and invading his space. And of course this exasperates the trust issues because why would he be angry that I want to talk to him? How is his girlfriend invading his space and why get so angry at me for it? And I worry that he wants his days without me to have online chats with other women or to keep his options open? After all he cheated on his wife. I feel like he wants his freedom even though he says he loves me and is committed to me. Why does he not want to live with me full time? He says it is because I have anxiety and accuse him of not being loyal. He has said in the past he is not sure of what he wants and when I start to cry and tell him I don't want a man who is not sure of what he wants, he changes his tune and says I misunderstood. He has met my family. I have met his mother and sister and his daughter and grand children. We have spent a lot of time together and his family likes me a lot and he does get along with my family as well. But he is an introvert and does not like to talk about his feelings while I am an extrovert who will always talk about my feelings. He does not talk very much to his own children and both his sons are virtual strangers to him. It is I who has encouraged him to start talking more to his daughter. He finds talking on the phone a chore and avoids it as much as he can. He even hates texting. He is not a big communicator and keeps things to himself. I feel he is so quiet that I am usually second guessing him. He also treats me like a child and has to control everything I do. I am younger than he is. He is rarely vulnerable with me, thinking he is a man and can take care of himself. He has days where he is totally spaced out and into himself and for some reason, he is in a bad mood. He says he doesn't know why but I am the one who the bad mood is directed towards. We can have the best day and then the next day, out of nowhere, he is in a bad mood and doesn't even know why??? But he cannot seem to let himself be happy. Is he sabotaging this relationship because he feels guilty for leaving his wife? Is he punishing me? Feels he does not deserve to be happy? I understand I was involved with him and equally responsible in this affair but why would he punish me continuously? How can I go back and change the past or undo his guilt? I can't do that any more than he can. IF he really is not ready to be with me or even has regrets or guilt then why does he not just let me go? Why doesn't he walk away? I talk it out when I feel something is bothering me. He is tired of hearing it. He called me a bitch. And has said some mean things. I am only standing up for myself but he is an expert gas lighter. I see it coming from a mile away when it happens as I am used to it now. I feel that he wants to have everything his way and how dare I stand my ground. I wonder why he keeps me around if he wants to play the field? He is not married now and free to do as he wishes if he does not want to be with me. It just doesn't feel like love to me because of how he treats me when I won't let my head be buried in the sand. We get along so well if it wasn't for the insecurity around the fact he is not only separated but tells me he feels guilty for what he did to his wife even though he chose to leave her to be with me. He has no children with her. He has 3 from his first marriage and she has 2 from two separate marriages. It just seems he has a lot of baggage and I, as a result of my love for him, have baggage too. It is called insecurity. I can never feel happy long enough with him. It seems like there are days of happiness but every week there is an argument about his commitment to me. The joy just cannot seem to be sustained. It is constantly overshadowed by doubt and fear he does not love me or is committed to me the way I am committed to him. I just feel like I have an open wound and there is always salt being poured onto it. We have gone to couple's therapy and work very hard on this relationship because I believe there is love there. But my anxiety about his intentions are causing problems. Is this a one sided relationship? It sometimes feels this way and it hurts too much. So what will happen? Will he try to find a new escape in another woman to get away from our problems? Is he not committed at all and just doesn't want to be alone and I am comfortable and familiar and have put up with him for 8 years? Is he (STILL) using me for sex? Does he think he can do whatever he wants (still have his cake and eat it) because I put up with him cheating on his wife? I just don't know what to do anymore. I want to stay with him but his inconsistency makes it difficult and harder by the day. Every time we have a good week, he becomes distant at the end of the week when it is time to go back to our own places. I accuse him of that and he gets very angry, saying it is my imagination and that he cannot be lovey dovey every single minute.Why does he seem to turn his emotions on and off? I can't stand that. I have had enough roller coaster rides in the affair and I am so past that. I do not want another affair ever again. Not worth it. I just want a good man. A normal relationship. But we have so much baggage to overcome. It seems the negatives overpower all the good, and there IS a lot of good. Does a good man leave his wife for another woman? Maybe I did not see who he really was from the beginning as I was so infatuated and now I am seeing the reality of the situation and I am fighting a losing battle? I needed medication for my anxiety and the meds are helping but the trust issues are not just going to go away that easily. They are truly wearing me down. They make me into someone I am not. They take all the good away from me and make me less than I am. And I am tired of feeling bad. I am just tired. To think I am still not enough for him. Still not good enough to commit to. It really does make me feel empty. And utterly exhausted. And I always have my guard up. I love with a wall up and that is so hard to do. I let it down one day and the next it goes back up. Up, down, up, down. Just tired. All I want is peace of mind, stability and security. I want more, he wants less. How can this ever be reconciled? Do you think we have any hope for a future?
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): P.S.
The worst part of your story is that he's some other woman's rotten no-good philandering husband! You don't even have to put-up with it. If he cheats on his wife, what kind of man do you think he is? You can't trust and believe in yourself enough to find a single-man to be your own, so go take another woman's husband? He is a teardrop in an ocean of men; and yet you are throwing away the best years of your life on a man who cheats on his wife!
After all that we've written, you won't take one single word into account. You seem to believe he's what you want, and all you can get. May God help you!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2022): "Do you think we have any hope for a future?"
No!!! Emphatically not!!!
I think you're in denial. You're going through hell with a vicious and contemptuous man; and pretending like you can't see it. Even the police have been involved! Here you are, as if nothing awful has ever happened! There is no hope for him, but there is hope for you!
Please reread the long novel you've written; detailing the most horrendous story about how you've been mistreated. You've answered your own question.
I've read a lot of terrible stories of abuse here on DC; not to mention my own personal experiences with women I know, and deeply care about. Good women, who were involved with horrible abusive men. Men who made a lot of money, and hid behind their titles and professions; to appear to be upright and decent. Appearances lie, rich or poor; a bad-man is a bad-man!!! Loving them will not change them! They will only change if, and when, they want to. Not for your sake, but for his own!
One common-factor I've noticed about these abused-women in long-term abusive-relationships; which it seems they all had in-common. They were in their late 30's and over. They've been with these mean jerks for ions; and they've all been taking the abuse for years. It's hard to give our advice to women in this age-range; because they fear loneliness. Some think they're past their prime, and don't have many options. One female-colleague of mine even said, "it's better to have a rotten no-good man, than no man at all!" I don't like to swear, but @#&% that!!! Are you kidding me?!!
You can do bad all by yourself! Why enlist the help of an abuser??? Loneliness can be filled by worshiping God, making new friends, loving your family, dating just for fun, and joining hobby clubs. Women over 40 often feel men only want young females with perky breasts, pretty legs, bubble-butts, and tiny waists. Why want what you can't have? Look in the mirror! After emptying your bank account on a fresh shapely young gold-digger, you may as well have spent it on a hooker!!! Reality sets-in, and men of solid character and a sound-heart usually want to date women closer to their own age. They'll see the beauty that ripens in a female as she matures. Realizing he's no spring rooster! There is nothing wrong with wanting younger-men, or younger-women; but they still see you as old, no matter how much they may care for you. Dating young doesn't turn back the clock; as many self-centered conceited-people will learn. The older they get, the much older you'll get! Egocentric selfish-men don't care; because they think they're entitled. The good thing is they grow old, impotent, wrinkled, smelly, and lonely; because they've never really treat anybody right. They'll look back in regret!
You need to seek professional-counseling, you are suffering from a touch of "Stockholm's Syndrome." You're in a state of confusion, and an "addiction" to a person; when it comes to this guy. You've let your age become a factor that lowers your standards and criteria for the type of men you should be with. You're settling for someone who is cruel, violent, and seems hateful as cuss!
I pray you find help, and free yourself of this devil you're possessed by. I hope you'll find someone who will treat you with kindness, and will love you. You cannot change him. He is who he is, and getting worse. You are at a stage in your denial, that only therapy will help you to recognize how toxic and dangerous your situation actually is.
May the good Lord help and protect you. May He help you find the strength to leave; and guide you to the kind of man, and love, you truly deserve. Your kind of post rips my heart out, and makes me furious!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 January 2022): Having a few days each week away from you is no big deal. That gives you time to see your family, friends, housework and all the rest. Get busy then. And I agree with him that if you are supposedly having a few days apart you don't cheat and move the goal posts by phoning him - especially when it is for a long time. You say he does not like talking on the phone or texting, what you left out is that you are needy and suffocating him and demanding a lot of this. He gets sick of you texting him over and over again and then moaning when he does not respond, or does not say the right thing, or responds but not quick enough etc. It is as if you constantly want him to jump through hoops for you and complain when he does not.
You totally forget that a guy can easily text or chat on phone. None of that proves he loves you or appreciates you or wants a serious future with you and smothering him will push him away and make him want to get rid of you. He keeps you around as a convenience for sex etc now, does not mean he cares or will want you a year from now. Seeing a guy when he is married is stupid, it's obvious a guy who does that is selfish and sly, if he was that way with his wife he will be selfish and sly with you too.
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A
female
reader, ConfusedCarrie84  +, writes (7 January 2022):
You're paying the price for being the other woman. What he does with you, he'll do to you.
You will not get peace of mind, stability or security from hom because of his unfaithfulness to his wife and you as his mistress.
My sister has spent 22 years as a mistress, has 2 kids to this man. She has become resentful, nasty and lost her looks. This is what happens when you choose to be with a married man.
Cut your loses and move on.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): Correction : Certain days are for himself.
Perhaps you just need to back off a bit and preoccupy yourself a bit more when you are not together.
He has travelled so far down this road with you that he would find it difficult to disentangle now.
If you become less reliant on him on your days "off" you could redress the imbalance.
You need to get busy by finding things to do and give him space to be who he really is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): I think this guy is using you and you fell into "the mistress" trap.
You are still a sex contender but weekends are for himself and he doesn't want you overstepping your mark.
You assume his family loves you but they may actually blame you for the breakup of his marriage
It would be upsetting for you to consider this to be true!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 January 2022): If I were you. For me this would be to much hard work and I would walk away . Head high .
You are now seeing aspects of him that make you side eye him . You know he's aggressive and yet you wish to live with him .
As an rmn..I would suggest you speak with a therapist to vent and get prospective on this .
To me . He should be avoided asap.
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