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female
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anonymous
writes: Am i being petty and selfish? my boyfriend and I have been together for 7 months we have lived together for about 5 months. He recently had a child with his ex g/f. Before the baby we discussed how we should handle things as far as his ex and the baby is concerned...ie...custody, child support etc. I have yet to see the child it has only been a few days however he has already changed his mind on several things we had talked about without even discussing it with me first. i feel that by him doing this it will effect our future my future personally am i right or is he just excited and he will change his mind again when all the excitement calms down?
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female
reader, Seratuki  +, writes (3 December 2006):
 if you're that concerned about this, which I totally understand...then you need to get the court to put everything nice and legal for you..child support, visitation, ect.
It may seem mean to him, or that he doesn't trust her...but in actuality, this would be safer for everyone, especially for the child.
Mention it to him in a positive light..see what he says.
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your advice. The things he has changed his mind on are having joint custody, we have stuff at our house she has stuff at hers etc... he said theres no point now after the fact which bothers me because i would feel more safe and secure in my future if things were done by the book. Giving the mother too much means she will continue to expect it, and if it slows down she could come back to us down the road a claim we did nothing because we have no proof. I dont want this to happen when he is going to be there for this baby 100 % in everyway possible. before he was all agreed to that because she cant be trusted now i guess he feels that she wouldnt do that. But my point is better safe then sorry...do you ever really nknow anyone and what their capible of?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2006): Hey
Having a child will usually dramatically change your life, I don't mean with regards to responsibilities etc, but often you start to see the world in a completely different way. I wouldn't be surprised if your boyfriend changes hugely from this child being in his life.
That isn't to say though that you two can't have the relationship you both want and planned to have. I think partly you are going to have to give him a little more time to adjust to things, you said it happened recently, do you mean it happened just a few days ago? I would give it longer than this, allow things to settle and then have a good talk to him about the things that are bothering you.
You have been very vague about him changing his mind on things that you have agreed, so it's impossible to comment on that, but as to being excited, I would say he is probably very, very excited, I know I would be. Wouldn't you?
Give things time, I'm sure it'll be fine. I hope it works out for the best.
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female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (1 December 2006):
 Please remember that having a child changes your emotional state of mind even for men. He needs your support more than ever, try to be understanding.
You are not being selfish as it is natural that you feel insecure and need reassurance yourself. However if you put to much pressure on him, you may push him away.
If he really loves you, everything will work out in the end. Your boyfriend is probably just trying to do the right thing. Also the bond he now share with ex because they have a child together, may mean that some decisions they will have to make together, something you need to learn to accept.
I suspect that for him to break up with his ex whilst she was pregnant something was really wrong with the relationship in the first place.
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