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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I have been with the man of my dreams for a year. I love him dearly, and he is my soul mate...and he said im his. However, over this year we've had a few ups and downs...he said we cant marry when he said we could, also said we should look for a house and when we did...didn't make a move to get one. I was hurt by this because i thought...does he really love me? If he did, surely follow through with them. Every since this has happened i have felt insecure whether he loves me or not. Yes, he does say it to me, but never talks of the future anymore...so i have great doubts. Recently, he hasnt bothered to text or ring me, and ive hardly seen him. I was getting to the point where i felt sick and couldnt sleep because i didnt know where i stood. So i spoke to friends and they said 'maybe ending it will give him the kick up the bum he needs, and if he loves you he will be back'. So i arranged to meet up with him last night to talk. As soon as i saw him, he eyes were watering then dassed off to the toilets. I think to cry. It broke my heart...but i thought if he realises how im hurting...maybe he would try harder. So we went to the car to talk for peace...he cried, and it broke my heart...he said he loves me, but just doesnt know how to prove it to me. He was in a mess and so was i. We wished each other look and said how much we loved each other. Then went our ways. He text me that night saying 'Your the most nicest wonderful person i have ever met. I love you Kay and always will, look after yourself. Your special.' Then an hour later, sent me a text saying 'I'm so so sorry. x' I left it at that. I sent him a message today asking him what he is sorry for but hasnt replied. I know ive made the biggest mistake of my life, i couldnt imagine my life without him...it hurts because things seem so final. I feel stupid for doing what i did, but i needed to do something as i couldn't carry on like that. I want him back...but dont know how to do it? Should i leave him for a few days? We fell out before and when i didnt speak to him he contacted me...he bottles things up and seems as if he needs to think things over. Please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): It sounds to me like he wanted out, but he didn't want to say so. I believe that he feels deeply for you, but doesn't want to be tied down. As far as living together, I do not consider that playing house. I think that you should live together before marriage to see if things will work before you vow your lives with each other. You wouldn't buy a car without a test drive and its only a car. Just give him time to think and see how life is without you and I believe he will be back. I think he's just scared about going to the next level of the relationship as it probably seems like he has to mature a little further. As for you, don't sit around moping, get out there and meet other people. This might not work with your boyfriend and then you've lost out on so much time. Good Luck and I hope everything works out for you.
A
female
reader, beentheredonethat +, writes (30 December 2006):
 He cried, but did he ask you to stay? Did he ask you if there was anything he could do to keep you? He said he was sorry and you were wonderful and good luck. (In my mind what he didn't say was that this may have been a relief to him.) He didn't want to break up with you and hurt you...but when you did....he was sad but....ok with it.
He pretty much told you he was shaky when he changed his mind about getting married.
Then again, when he didn't follow through with the house or give a reasonable explanation why.
Now, there may be a million factors and motivations for why he realised that he could not or did not want to marry you....most of which probably have nothing to do with you but with his own circumstances. (so don't start blaming yourself)
What ever the reasons, he has not shared them with you....and if you were his SOUL mate....you would have been the first one he came to with any difficulty or fear or problem. If he was your soul mate, you would not have had to "kick him in the butt" or play games to get him to wake up. The results you got were very disappointing for you...you hoped he would plead and promise and explain....he didn't. He wished you luck and made sure you knew he really thought the world of you....but he did not make any move to win you back.
Now its time for you to wake up. You say you can't imagine a life without him and you want him back. But that is where you are mistaken. You did not really Have him. Something happened along the way and he withdrew...that was when you lost him...not the other night.
Now if he is someone who must think on things for a while before reacting to them....there may be a time when he decides he does want you back....but it must be his move entirely. More importantly, YOU must not cling, wait, make excuses to call and check on him etc. You must look at the world as a brand new place for you and continue on. He may be back...yes. But, if not, you must not mire your heart in the past and your lost fantasy. Girls who do that often miss their real Soul mate for mourning over the lost sparkly.
Keep busy, volunteer for a local charity, join a group, club or start one...you will never know who you may meet if you don't leave your nest. The world is full of people and at least 20,000 of them are your soul mate if you can find them. Search around a bit....if nothing else it will give you something to do while he's thinking. Or, while he's fixing whatever it is that made him do a turn around on you. Smile...even if you have to fake it. You never know who is watching you...just waiting for a chance to ask you out.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2006): First off I don't really believe in the whole soul mate thing as if there is only one out there for you, there are many, OK.
Secondly, it sounds to me like you need to communicate more clearly your concerns, like when he did not go through with buying the house, ask him why instead of assuming.
Thirdly, I think living together before marriage is a REALLY BAD IDEA....more young people your age are prone to this as if PLAYING HOUSE is the real thing and a practice for marriage, it isn't..because real and lasting love is all about commitment and not just a see how you feel kind of thing, without the committment of marriage, living together sets up a whole one foot out the door scenario which feeds off of insecurity of the two partners and fuels many a miscalculated argument and bad feelings.
If you did not want to break up with him, call him, talk to him, don't text him, see him up close and tell him you did not want to break up and start talking about what you do want if it is a marriage proposal then say when do you see us getting married? But by all means say what you mean and do what you say....
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