A
female
age
51-59,
*ameladawn
writes:I've been dating a man my age, who is divorced and has 2 kids. His daughter is 8, and we have no issues. His son is 13, and has issues... one of them being me. He has recently decided that he can't sleep at his mother's house where he lives anymore. He HAS to sleep at Dad's, and he'll call at 10:00pm or later to beg his dad to come get him so he can sleep at his house. Well, needless to say, that has taken all of OUR time together away because my boyfriend seems to think that he's not a good dad if he says NO once in a while. So, I hear NO all the time now. How can I have a relationship with a man that refuses to say no to his 13 year old who should already be in bed at 11:00 at night? HELP!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 May 2012): Its great that your bf listened to your concerns and that he will now make the appropriate time for you: what you both fail to realise is that his sons behaviour is a cry for help. This kids parents Are divorce, his father is moving on with his life, this kids family unit is destroyed, changes have impacted HIS life as well. So instead of whining that the son is STEALING your precious sex time, why don't you suggest to your bf that his son needs proper counselling. YES pamela, counselling to help this teenager with proper coping skills after the divorce.
Divorce is very traumatic to kids, they are fearful that their parent will also divorce them and slowly/ deliberately move on with a new woman and family life. Hands up to all those who have either experienced this themselves or have seen this happen.
This kid is highly traumatised and wants his fathers love. He wants to be with him. I know it is stealing your time OP but you also need to possess some sort of compassion and tolerance. Don't make the mistake so many women do: where they try to even replace the kids in these mens lives.
Pamela you are justified in wanting to spend time with your bf . But try to give a little. You have no idea just what divorce does to kids. Perhaps you and both his kids can start going out as a family? Start enjoying the weekends together. Instead of just Me time, how about some family time. Show this boy that you are not a threat and that you care and love him. If you are going to be a long term gf/wife then you need to include his kids in your (play)time as well. If you want a proper relationship with his kids you must learn the word "sacrifice" : sacrifice for the long term benefits.
I also think that you are somewhat controlling. Yes you have solidified your position as his gf. Now it is time to actively seek a proper relationship with his kids, especially his son who is crying out for attention. Yes he may be manipulating, he's selfish, he's only thinking about himself BUT isn't this what adults do as well.
Its not easy with someone elses kids but when a proper relationship is achieved, the rewards are worth it.
Just my humble thoughts....
LoveGirl
A
female
reader, Pameladawn +, writes (15 May 2012):
Pameladawn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow! A lot of good advice here! Thanks everyone for your perspectives. Here's an update: Last night my BF came over and could see I was not my usual peppy self. I had been on the phone for an hour with my father getting his thoughts. Well, I wasn't going to go into it, but he kept pressing me to tell him what was wrong, so I nicely and non-confrontational like gave him my FEELINGS and NOT Opinions on how things should be or how I would do things. It turned out quite productive! He listened to all my thoughts, and agreed that I am important to him and that he will have a discussion with his son very soon about respect, and about how Dad has a life outside his children, and how no matter what, they are his first priority, but he also has a relationship he wants to pursue, and that we are going to make it work. He says he knows he needs to teach the son that the world doesn't revolve around him, but we all know that a 13 year old can't see past his XBox! I understand that, and I'm willing to be patient and see how this works out. I am in love with this man, and I know that he and his kids, AND his EX are all part of the package. And I have a good feeling this will all work out. Thanks everyone for your help!
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (15 May 2012):
 The kid is doing it on purpose.
And dad has guilt... and that's why he's letting the kid manipulate him.
Truth is I agree that the dad should tell the son either NO and tell him he can only come over when the preplanned times occur... (both parents have to be on board for this) Mom has to say "no you can't go to dad's" and dad has to back him up (although secretly she's probably thrilled to allow the kid to wreck dad's love life)...
CHILDREN want boundaries. CHILDREN want rules. DAD letting him have his way is NOT helpful to him or his relationship with this child when he becomes an adult.
IF dad can't say no and you and the dad are serious I disagree with the male anon poster that you should not be at the home when the kids are there. IF you and dad are serious then the kids should be exposed to you at all times.
You are not a random stranger you are dad's partner....
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): maverick494: ". . . And then add that you'd like to spend more nights at his place so you can get to know the kid too, since he's going to stay over so often anyway."Terrible idea. No divorced parent should allow bf/gf to sleep over in presence of minor children. Dad would be in effect condoning pre-marital sex to 13-year-old boy, not the message any father should be sending to his son, especially post-pubescent early teen. Mom well within her right to go ballistic at such a prospect, I'll even say co-parent has absolute obligation to kid to go ballistic at such a prospect. Also no parent should allow unrelated adult unrestricted access to children's intimate living spaces, especially when opposite-sex kid involved. Sorry, but no kid should be forced to share a bathroom with adult stranger (to kid), and no adult stranger should be given unrestricted access to kid in kid's own home.Would you be advising new boyfriend of divorced mother of 13-year-old daughter to suggest sleeping over "so [he] can get to know the kid too?"
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2012): I'm sorry but I think the best thing is to get out of this relationship. You're dating a man who has no sense of boundaries and perspective and who is easily manipulated by his son and ex-wife. Therefore, this man is not equipped to be in a new relationship with anyone. Whether it's you or another woman he's dating, he will not be present in the relationship because he is unwilling to set boundaries on his other family relationships.
His son is probably upset that his parents divorced and his father has a new gf. Kids that age think the universe revolves around them. It's the parents' job not to reinforce that and to set boundaries. It's not good parenting to give in to the kid's every whim and demand - this isn't in the child's best interest and messes them up for adulthood because they grow up being unaccustomed to not getting their way and to not having the world revolve around them. So I don't think your boyfriend is being a very good father.
But your bf is probably guilt-ridden because everyone says how children suffer so much from their parents' divorce that people go overboard and think that they now owe their kids anything they want/demand because of that. The ex-wife may also be reinforcing this unhealthy attitude as a way to maintain control over him or get revenge on him.
therefore you can't really do anything because this is an internal family dynamic that is ongoing. You are an outsider to this family's drama. If your boyfriend is serious about you, then he should bring you into the inner circle (whether or not his ex and son like it, since she doesn't get to control everyone's life or prevent him moving on).
my guess is that your bf is just not ready to be in a new relationship yet. you can always suggest to him that there are family-counseling resources for him to get advice on how to navigate post-divorce parenting. But it's up to him to recognize that he needs to learn a better way because he's not being a good parent right now by refusing to set boundaries with his son and by not respecting his own need and right to a private life outside of his kids.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 May 2012):
He is doing this to keep you apart. And it seems to be working. And when it's working, he doesn't have to make an effort to like you because in his mind you'll soon be gone anyway. Teens can be very selfish that way. I know I felt like I deserved to be the centre of (someone's) world. He's looking out for himself and he may even be harboring some distant dream that mom and dad may get back together again one day.
So, time to switch tack. The harder you pull and object, the worse it gets. So why not stop. Right now you're showing your bad side to your bf and he's having trouble dealing with it all as it is. In the end a dad will always choose the son's side. So don't make him choose.
Tell your bf that you've been thinking and that you understand why he wants to be there for his son no matter what, even if it's 10pm overhauls. And then add that you'd like to spend more nights at his place so you can get to know the kid too, since he's going to stay over so often anyway.
Once that's set up, the key to getting through this unscathed (if you really love this man) is to conjure a lot of patience and never get short with the kid. Treat him like the adult he is in the process of becoming. Treat him like an equal. Don't let him overstep your boundaries, but don't belittle him either. And when it comes to parenting, leave all of that to the bf, even if you don't agree with the way he's handeling it.
If there are days and nights you are alone, schedule to meet with friends and do something fun. Turn to your own social life and hobbies. Maybe once you and the kid settle a bit suggest (in his presence) he and his dad should go on a kind of daytrip together and when they get back you all have dinner together. This way you're not forcing yourself into his life in a threatening manner.
All this said, it's going to take a lot of work. You have to make sure you're up for it. On the other hand, if it all becomes too much or you simply don't feel there's going to be a solution, you can always end the relationship. The boy is tied to your bf for life.
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A
female
reader, Pameladawn +, writes (14 May 2012):
Pameladawn is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Maverick494. My BF and I have discussed this multiple times now, and he just says that when the kid calls, he feels like it's his responsibility to pick him up no matter what time it is, and that's that. He says he's trying to "compromise", and that he's feeling aggravated too, but he still allows his son to steal him away no matter what our plans were. He says this is the first time he's had this issue, but I'm the first GF he's had since the divorce too. I'm trying so hard not to get frustrated, but for the last 4 weekends (he's supposed to have the kids every OTHER weekend), and nearly every night now during the week, I'm sitting home alone... at least going to bed alone. I've made an effort to get to know his son, but it just seems like he's doing this on purpose to keep us apart.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2012): "How can I have a relationship with a man that refuses to say no to his 13 year old who should already be in bed at 11:00 at night? HELP!"Sorry, you can't and there's nothing you can do about it. As an early-teen child of divorce, son is probably now an expert at playing his parents off each other and/or guilting them individually to get what he wants, or in this case, what he doesn't want: a strange woman in his father's life, likely a total stranger to him who could end up shacking up with Dad or even quickly popping out a baby half-sibling that would take even more of his father's attention away from him. Sorry to disagree with mav494, but ex is unlikely to welcome any parenting discussions initiated at new gf's request, besides gf has no legal relationship to kid so therefore no right to inject herself into any parental debates, and anyway kid is under no obligation to "warm up" to his parents' acquaintances any more than parents are required to like their kids' friends. Also, not beyond realm of possibility that ex herself has become quite adept at using kids as a weapon against bf. Unfortunately when a woman becomes involved with the father of minor children, it's a package deal including baby mama(s) as part of the package.I unapologetically admit I'm very old school on subject of divorced parents of minor children dating: kids have suffered enough trauma from their family breaking up, parents should put love lives on hold and just be parents for the duration until youngest child turns eighteen.Also unapologetically pro-kid in any dispute involving children of divorce, it's always the kids who suffer most as it's their lives that are always disrupted and rearranged to suit the convenience of their parents.In short, OP, you're going to reach a point where it comes down to son versus girlfriend, and I'll give you one guess as to who loses (hint: it will be you). I'd advise cutting your losses and getting out now. No-win situation that will only get worse as son gets older and craftier, and probably egged on by his mother, who's not going anywhere or changing her parenting style to appease ex's new gf.
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A
male
reader, Sageoldguy1465 +, writes (14 May 2012):
 I suggest that you tell this "Dad" how you feel and point out to him how it makes you feel marginalized when he acquiesces to his son's (form of) blackmail.....This needn't be a confrontive talk..... just informative. Tell Dad that you understand what and why the son is behaving as he is... and that it may take time for them (Dad and son) to sort out how to accomodate son's fear...It may be that you and your man-friend will agree to cool your relationship for the time necessary for his son to begin to see that you don't pose the type and intensity of threat (to his and his Dad's relationship)that he might, unconsciously, believe ... and that there is room in this man's life for BOTH of you.... if you and he can simply persevere and find where that "room" is....Good luck....
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (14 May 2012):
I think your man needs to strike a deal with his ex about how things are arranged. Basically, whenever his son is with her, he should sleep there. If he's at your bf's, he should sleep there. No late night hauls, he isn't a taxi driver.
Now, what's probably happening is that the boy feels threatened by you. Previously, he didn't have to share his dad with anyone else, now he does. His behavior seems classic fear of abandonment. He's there at night so he can keep an eye out. He wants to be involved in his parents' lives and feel important to them. The fact his dad picks him up at 10pm without a fuss gives him that bit of security.
So try to warm up to him. He's a teenager, the divorce probably made a big impact on him and he's trying to figure out a way to handle it the best he can. So instead of presenting yourself as an obstacle for the boy to overcome, talk to your bf about how he can be a solid presence in his son's life without having the boy sleep over every night.
Also try to make an effort to get to know the kid. Don't present yourself as a stepmom or anything like that, just a friend (or acquaintance at first). Show him you're not there to steal his father away from him. It may take some time before he accepts you, but all your lives will be easier ones he does.
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