A
female
age
41-50,
*heryl1982
writes:I am having serious problems with my partners 9 year old daughter. My partner and I started dating about 9 months ago. It was a different situation than normal, as I was traveling and met him during my travels. We dated for about three weeks when I was due to fly to New Zealand. During this time I met his kids (he also has a 7 year old son) about three times, and the daughter was always fine with me. Pleasent and always showed manners. When I decided to make something out of this relationship because I really felt something for my partner it was a totally different situation. We decided that I would move into the house (as I was a traveler I didnt have anywhere else to go) and we would both see where the relationship would take us. My partner had informed his children and they seemed to be fine with everything as they really liked me. This is when the real trouble started.It started with snipy comments I didnt really know what to do with. I mean I am a 25 year old care free girl who had been single for 2,5 years, living the Bridget Jones lifestyle. I would get comments like: Oh what happened to your face or wauw you look fat today. Then it changed to more serious comments like: You are a big fat ugly cow (I am a size 8!!) and you should keep your glasses on because it hides your ugly face. When I got these comments I really didnt know what to do with them and kinda looked at her and just went, thanks. I didnt know what else to do. All this would happen when my partner was out of the room for a few minutes. I have caught her stealing my money, she ruined my birthday last year by saying I didnt deserve anything, because I use all her dads money. This whilst nearly 25% of his paycheck goes to child support. Everything always seems to be about money. Even when I took them ourt for ice cream (to try and create a bond) she asked, does this come from my dads money or yours?It has put so much pressure on my relationship that I have come to the point that I am not even happy anymore. My relationship has totally changed. We were able to talk, were extremely close and were just perfect together. Now we are arguing, fighting, I am constantly packing my bag to leave. I am only still here because I love my partner so so much. I have just had enough of all the nasty things that she does. She soes just not know how to be nice to me. She will not eat my food and even got sick all over the table once at dinner time. She burps and farts purposely, she ignores me, walks past me, gives me horrible looks. But when we are in public she holds my hand, she tells everybody she loves me and she kisses me. This makes me feel like someone no one believes when I tell them the actual truth. Which is in my view exactly what she wants. We were once in the car and she was just looking at me for 20 minutes. When I had enough I asked her, why do you keep looking at me like that? Her response: I just cant believe how ugly you are. Nice hey. I am thinking now that maybe I should upload my photo so you guys can all see that I am not ugly!!!!Lucky for me, my partner is totally on my side and has time and time again punished his daughter. He has sent her to her room, we have had family meetings, he has left her out of certain things (i.e. no playing, no tv, no dessert). She seems to say sorry and then just goes on with what she does. I have even sat down with her and all she says is that she is jealous and that she can love her dad more than I can and that I need to break up with him. Sometimes it has scared me how she interacts with him, almost as if it is more than love from her side. I work part time in a restaurant and she asks me nearly every 15 minutes when I am off to work so that she can be alone with her 'daddy'. My partner keeps confronting her, keeps correcting her and does everything in his power for her to behave (as noting happens infront of his eyes and I keep having to go over to him and inform him) but nothing seems to work. She says sorry and then just goes on her merry way.We even had to put a lock on the bedroom door. She would come in the room in the middle of the night and would check if I was wearing anything in bed. And I would get the question: Why are you naked beside my father?. I dont think this is normal behaviour for a 9 year old.We had her here two weeks ago and the new thing is that she tells everybody that I am a homewrecker. That I broke up her mum and dad. I met Daniel 9 months ago, and he has been divorced 5, seperated 6. Her mum has always had new boyfriends (the reason they split) and is now married for over a year and just had a baby 3 months ago. She knows this, but still tells people I broke them up.I thank god I have everybody on my side (my partner, his mum, his sister, friends etc) but it is still very frustrating that when you do so so so much your best it is thrown back in your face and you get extra. Its never good enough and I always seem to be the cause. Can anybody give me tips on how to handle. And is it actually my place to correct her?
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broke up, divorce, jealous, money Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (21 February 2008):
 This is a test. Look at it from her side. How do you think she feels not having mommy with daddy anymore. Even after those years not being together, do you think she may feel abandoned, not important enough for them to be together, like she may have done something wrong. I went through the same thing you did with a girlfriend I had, my daughters mom went through the same thing too.
Look at it. A 9 year old girl is generally a daddy's little angel. You come in the picture, she no longer has him to himself. That's the first area. The second area of the test is detachment. She'll keep herself for a period of time from getting too close. This is how she handles things, it's not really about you being with her dad. It's about "If I get too close to her, how long before she abandons me."
She's crying out when she acts this way. She's saying "I want to love her and be loved by her, but I need this protection so she doesn't hurt me as I was in the divorce."
The best way to handle this is on her level, and it's going to take some talking. Sit her down, talk about the divorce, let her know that you understand that's got to be hard. Kids love to talk when you give them a change and meet them at a level that makes them feel as if you care about what they say and understand them with caring. Kids generally don't come out and just say I have a problem with this. Their more indirect. Their use to being told not to talk back to adults, so to state something that may be a confrontational subject, they keep it locked inside.
She needs to know, with her comments and actions, you're still there for her. The more she does and the more you stay, she begins being convinced that you're not going to take off and abondon her if she starts to open up.
Just talk to her and reassure her that you love her dad, but really do 100% care about her feelings and you don't want to see her hurt either.
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