A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How can I stop worrying and stop being upset about my boyfriend's friendship with his ex girlfriend?Even though they had a bad break up and things got pretty ugly with them (she cheated on him a lot and they fought a lot) they both decided to still be friends and they talk online and through texting. My boyfriend says he still cares about her and will always love her as a person, but doesn't want her back.They were together for over two years and have a long history together.I really do love my boyfriend, but I don't know why this situation bothers me... I've talked about it with him and he just got upset and it turned into an even bigger mess than it should have been.I really just don't want to get hurt.Has anyone been through something like this and can share what happened with them and how I can handle this?
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female
reader, KC12 +, writes (14 October 2013):
 I think a good healthy chat is in order. You need to tell him how you feel, and why you feel the way you do. Be specific and honest about your feelings. Say WHY specifically his "friendship" with her bothers you, and what exactly is it that you don't like.
I personally find it strange that he would want to be friends with her after her continual cheating. It could be an issue with his ego, or unwillingness to let go just yet. I hope for your sake that I am wrong, but that is kind of a sign of a weakness in him. And, you deserve a strong man...one who is there for YOU rather than being still connected to her for whatever reason.
I think that if he loves YOU he would be ready to back off her friendship with her, and eventually end his friendship with her.
A
male
reader, ssentongo  +, writes (14 October 2013):
This situation is a simple one ,in any relationship a think at one point you have to take the person the way they are not the way you want them to be .An ex doesn't become an enemy because they can be help full in one way or the other,just play your cards right ,avoid being the nagging girlfriend all time because it will give him time to consider the EX.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I agree with CMMP
I understand that it doesn't feel good that he KEEPS her around, but when you say I don't like him talking to her, it's because YOU are afraid he will go back to her. Which implies you think he could cheat on you.
I don't believe in trying the dictate or tell ones partner who they can talk to and whom they can't.
However, with that said I don't get the "staying friends" with a person who hurt you deeply, no matter what you shared (unless you have kids together). I just don't see the point.
How often do they talk? Is it daily and constantly? If so, I would end it, because then he isn't OVER her. If he needs to talk to her more then or as much as he talks to you (so to speak) then he WANTS her in his life and she is there to stay. Healthy or not.
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A
female
reader, Ladyhopeful  +, writes (12 October 2013):
I think ex's can be friends, and JUST friends.However, I also think that this is something that happens over time following the break up. I am friends with some of my ex's, but I am not in constant contact, and we do not meet up for coffee etc....its more like if we bump into each other, we are civil, maybe have a quick chat, then go on our separate ways. I tend to be like this coz I believe that, that person was a BIG part of your life at one point, and seems such a shame just to ignore them completely when you see them.Having said that, being friends, and still having feelings for an ex, to me, are different things.It would help if we knew how long you have been together, and how soon after the break up, you got together??I hope you can get things sorted.Good Luck!
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (12 October 2013):
 Men struggle to move on when they are the ones who are cheated on. They can become insecure about it.
How long have you been with him? If it is a few months I would be worried, if it's a few years hopefully he has moved on.
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A
male
reader, CMMP +, writes (12 October 2013):
You won't be able to convince him to agree not to be friends with her. Assuming that he honestly has no feelings for her and zero desire to be with her, he gets upset because you're implying that he'll cheat, and you kind of are. After all, if you don't think he will cheat, what are you worried about?
You do have some other options:
Tell him that, wrong or right, you can't be with someone who maintains a close friendship with their ex gf. So he either ends the friendship or you end your relationship. Obviously if it's that important to you and you just can't be happy, this is your only option.
Or, you accept the fact that your boyfriend is only interested in friendship with her and you trust him. If he cheats, that's fine, he can have her because a cheating boyfriend isn't worth your time anyways. It's this mindset that has kept me from being jealous and insecure over the years. I just trust the person I'm with until they give me reason not to, at which point I realize they aren't the person who I thought they were and I leave.
Nagging him and being a nervous wreck aren't options.
I have to wonder why he'd want to maintain a friendship with someone who broke his heart though.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I dated a guy who was friends with his ex, and he ended up cheating on me with her and eventually going back to her, which again, they separated. Last I checked, she's still busting up his relationships because he can't let go.
Not the kind of baggage that belongs in a relationship. No way, having an ex who's a friend is the very definition of disloyalty, and it hamstrings a new relationship before it can deepen and grow trust.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 October 2013): An x is a x for a reason. And you have the right to ask your boyfriend to tell her its over and be done with it. I understand he was not happy with your request. So if your not happy tell him its me or the x and then wait for an answer. If he gets all huffy and puffy you know he is still into his x and then you should let him go.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (12 October 2013):
 I'm not in favour of being friends with ex'es. I wish I could be like one of those people who have no qualms being friends with their ex...even though I still don't know how on earth that's possible. If things ended on a bad note and you've both moved on, what's the point of it?
I think your boyfriend should be more understanding of the situation. He should understand that it upsets you and would probably upset him too, if he were in your place.
Also, I think the fact that he said that he still cared about her and loved her as a person is a little disturbing...I wouldn't like it if my boyfriend said that about his ex! Maybe he doesnt want her back but he still has feelings for her, that's for sure. What are you then? A back-up? Second best?
If he cares about her that much then let him just be with her. If she's worth picking up a fight over then that's not such a good thing OP.
I think you should have a talk with him and tell him that you don't like the way he's going. You don't have to justify why you don't like it, as his girlfriend that is the minimum that you can ask from him...that he doesn't give you any reasons to feel insecure. YOU should be his focus OP, not the ex.
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