A
female
age
41-50,
*ucaritas
writes:A bit over two months ago I met a wonderful guy at a dinner party. A couple weeks later we started seeing each other more often and before we knew it we were introducing each other to our friends and not hiding we were both an item. It was great--and it still is.BUT, when I met him, he had been single for two months after calling off an engagement. The ex had cheated on him and it was a huge change in his life. He started doing more things by himself and for himself and by the time we started dating, he was feeling optimistic again. Although I had initial fears of being a rebound, he gave me enough reasons to feel confident and trust him. We have been dating for a few weeks now spending a lot of time together and sleeping over most nights. So, a couple days ago he confessed that our relationship reminded him of his ex and this made him feel uneasy. He mentioned how much he had loved her until this all happened and he couldn't at this time fall in love with me. He also wanted to spend less time together--not break up but just sleeping over less and spending more time on our own or with our own friends. This was a bit shocking to hear (I interpreted it as an attempt to break up that couldn't be carried through) and let my guard up, and even thought of breaking up with him myself, but instead, my gut reaction was to ask him to break up with me if that is what he wanted, but I don't want to break up with him. I am falling in love with him and decided to support him and allow him to be on his own whenever he wanted.It's been a few days after this and I thought the next step would be him breaking up with me for good, but he is even more loving now than he's been the past couple of weeks when all these doubts came to his head. We make weekend plans together, some with his friends and some with mine, and he doesn't ever leave me hanging on a weekend plan. Is he just trying to do things right (because he's that kind of guy) or does he really want to try out a relationship with me? How can I find out if he is just being nice with me because I decided to be supportive and kind to him or he really wants to give us a shot?
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male
reader, SamuraiRick  +, writes (16 November 2007):
 It sounds to me like you don’t really have a problem with him. I personally think he’s doing the right thing. Allow me to explain what he’s doing.
Keep one thing in mind. He had only broken up with his Fiancé two months before he met you. That’s huge. When you break up with someone like that, especially when your one being cheated on, it takes a good long time to recover from that and come to your senses. The minimum amount of time you need to recover your sanity after a tragic breakup like that is ONE YEAR. You can ask most professional psychologists on this. Breaking up is hard to do, but getting over it takes a good amount of time.
Although you believe he seemed to be well adjusted two months after his breakup, he really wasn’t. If anything, your coming along when you did distracted him from his recovery, and in fact you’ve delayed it. Its not your fault of course. Somehow in the back of his mind he recognized that he didn’t really have enough time off between relationships, and he felt that things were moving too fast for him.
That is why he’s asking you to spend less time with him; which it turns out, is quality time with him. He’s actually a very smart guy when you think about it. If he didn’t take this step your relationship with him would have come to a thundering crash …what is known as a “rebound relationship.” As it is, he’s using his brains now, and I think for the better. Give him time, that’s what he needs. He needs a little more perspective now. And I think you and he could make a good couple after he gets though this “recovery time.”
Before you know it you and he will be closer for this. You’ll see.
If I were you I wouldn’t be overly concerned about it.
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