A
female
age
51-59,
*jh
writes:I have been in a relationship with my housemate for nearly 6 months. We lived together 18 months as housemates but he was working away except every 5th week when he would come home to see his daughter. He asked me out about a year ago, but I turned him down. A year later we got together. For the first few weeks he was still away and called my twice aday and sent lovely text messages. He arranged a trip away and we had fun. Since we have both been back home and he is home all the time I find myself becoming so unhappy. I have talked to him many times about this and each time he became increasingly irritated. I started to fear he would leave me, so I have stopped talking about my concerns or my feelings. He says he hates talking about feelings and says he doesn't know how to do it. At first he said he would try and then he said he wasn't prepared to change. He said that if I wasn't happy then I should probably move on. I was devastated. How could it have gone from what it was to this? I told him I was prepared to accept living without expressions of love, compliments etc so I could be with him. He didn't respond. So we have carried on. For the last 6 weeks I have felt sick to my stomach with fear. I feel like I have failed. I have been reading books upon books about relationships and just wondering why this is so hard with him. I keep thinking that if I accept him the way he is, I will be happy. But I am not happy, even though I do accept him the way he is. I know deep down that the only person that can make us feel bad is ourselves and not anyone else. Why is it I feel so bad and unworthy? I fear ending the relationship in case I am wrong and things will get easier or improve. What if I never meet anyone else? I am beginning to feel like this is all my fault. But I do begin to see that a relationship will only work if both parties are willing to work at it. My partner has clearly stopped trying and it's a case of accept it or leave. I do not want to live in this empty capsule for the rest of my life because I think I am the one who is wrong. Is it wrong to expect expressions of how much you mean to someone or to be told how nice you look. I am confused because when he talks about the future he doesn't include me in the plans. When I have asked him about this, he says I should know it automatically means me. But I don't.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2007): Firstly, This is NOT your fault!
You cannot be blamed for the way he is and was.
Secondly, you have to decide whether a. you're willing to continue working with him, and b. if you really can live without the communication you need.
As I see it you have 3 options, try to change him, give up, or leave.
As for continuing to work with him i think you have a shot. No, you will NOT be able to "change" him against his will. But you could possibly make him understand why this means so much to you, after which he will hopefully be more willing to try.
I also think you may need to give it more time. You haven't been together that long, and it make take some time for him to open up.
It may also be that he is worried about commitment and is fearful of your rejection. Many men feel they shouldn't, or even can't, express their feelings, so he may be apprehensive.
I personally think deep communication is key to a healthy relationship, and is not something you should sacrifice. So I really do not recommend a passive approach here. Being miserable in a relationship is much much worse than being alone. While your fears of being alone are understandable, even if they're not valid, you need to ask yourself, Are you really afraid of leaving him, or are you just afraid of change?
It seems to me with your level of unhappiness that you may find being single liberating and empowering.
You must understand, be single and being alone are two different things. You can be single and lead a complete and fulfilling life. It is up to you whether it is lonely or not.
I hope some of my advice helps. No matter what anyone says you have to do what is right for you.
Trust yourself.
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