A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:i recently descovered my boyfriend has been watching loads of porn on his computer ive asked him before about it but hes always denied it i had a strong feeling about it so i looked at his history and it came up with loads of redtube sites im so upset and ii confronted him about it but hes not bothered that it makes me upset. he said he never admitted it to me because he knows how much it upsets me.i give him everything in the bedroom am i just not good enough?
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
 mmmmm.... dear ms anonymous, you seem to think that pornography is something only for men.. many women watch it and enjoy it as well...
Only three options available....
1. Partner gives up pornography (yes, it can happen)
2. Partner refuses to give up pornography and you leave
3. You and your partner come to some type of fair compromise...
Best is "Don't ask, don't tell"... it's his/her private thing and as long as it dosen't interfere with your sex life and it's not in your environment, they you don't really have the right to tell people what to do with their hands and their eyes...
Go and talk to your partner dear poster, talk, don't shout... if it upsets you so much they might just stop looking at pornography, but that dosen't mean that they'll stop masturbating, and who knows what they hell they are thinking when they do that.
A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (15 April 2010):
Bravo Kaede, that is the best answer I've ever read in answer to a person who has problems with men and pornography.....
Bravo, Bravo.... every single thing you say is absolutely true.. Unfortunately, it is difficult for many women to accept this, but if they do, they find that conflict disappears from their relationships, and they are less unhappy and have time to concentrate on other things that bring happiness rather then sadness and argument...
Again, wonderful reply, I'm bookmarking this one for later..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 April 2010): If he has respect for you and he knows it hurts you he simply wouldn't do it. Surely he doesn't see porn as more important than your feelings?
Sadly, so many women have bought into the lie that women should accept this treatment (like the female poster before me)
ladies, it's as simple as this, men will treat us however the hell we let them.
If we want to feel loved and respected it time we started saying "if you want to share my wonderful love, life and body then I deserve enough respect that your not gerting off over other naked women".
When will women ever get that they are enough and that men who seek sexual pleasure from other females ( whether in real life or porn) are denigrating and disrespecting them.
It's just so frustrating as a mother and educator to see how young females have been warped to view porn as acceptable. JUST BECAUSE ITS EVERYWHERE DOESNT MAKE IT OK!
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A
female
reader, Kaede +, writes (13 April 2010):
I would like to say this is MY ANSWER TO YOU rather than another 'I have the same problem'.Ok, so I understand how you feel and my heart goes out to you. Coming to terms with the ‘porn and your boyfriend issue’ is a really hard process, but what you’ve got to understand is more about yourself than him. Firstly, it is not a question of ‘should I let’ my boyfriend watch porn, it is something he will do anyway if it is readily available (i.e. internet on computer/phone) and if he watched it before he met you. This is regardless of whether you are in a long distance relationship, living separately or living together. He might also watch it regardless of the amount of times you’ve had sex in one day.This could be explained ‘biologically’ as men like to do; ‘we men are biologically different from you women, it is something we need to do’, is probably not the best way to explain it. It is in our emotions and our upbringing where our differences arise, and over porn and masturbation this is no different. Something to think about is with men of the internet generation ‘porn’ and ‘masturbation’ are one and the same; porn makes masturbation more easy and exciting as it is a stimulus, particularly for men as research shows they are very visual creatures. They like something to look at and they masturbate a lot as this has been acceptable from an early age. Perhaps you could say they are more in tune with their sexual desires. This is not to say that the same does not apply to women, but in general we treat masturbation differently. For some women it is almost a dirty word that does not apply to them, we struggled talking about it to our friends when we were younger and we struggle to admit we do it when we are older, sometimes, even to ourselves. Porn then, is an even further leap for a woman, in understanding and practice, and when the one she loves is engaging in watching it, it can be really hard to come to terms with.A lot of posts are particularly concerned with ‘he watches it when he could be having sex with me’, ‘I don’t mind him watching it when I’m out, but I think it is awful that he watches it when I’m in the house’. Masturbation for a man is different from sex, it something to relieve stress and tension and also makes him last longer when he has sex with you! There is a lot of pressure when he is having sex with you, the pressure to perform, and to make sure you are having a great time (hopefully) and he doesn’t have to think about these things when going solo, it is purely for him. Most men will tell you that having sex with their partner is much better than masturbation, and most men in their right mind would not choose to watch porn over having sex with their partner, they want to do both because they are different events! From some posts it seems that this is the problem, ‘why masturbate when you could have sex with me?’. Because sex is a lot of hard work and perhaps your boyfriend just wants instant gratification, from themselves (after all, a blow job or hand job from you might be great – but wanking is equally pleasurable in its own right, he knows exactly what feels good for himself). Him watching porn behind your back is just a way of making it more exciting.The other issue is that he is looking at other women, which implies to you that you’re ‘not good enough’, ‘he wants something else’, ‘I can’t compete with those women’, ‘the scenarios he watches look better than the sex we are having’, etc. Your partner watching porn and what he watches IS NOT A REFLECTION ON YOU OR YOUR RELATIONSHIP. He is watching something he finds stimulating, the women on screen in front of him he will not think of after he has finished, they are idealized because it is material meant to turn someone on. It is merely something to watch to make masturbation more interesting. His fantasies are being acted out to him on screen, he does not need to imagine or think. As I said at the beginning, your issue with your boyfriend and porn is something you have to overcome yourself. You can ask him not to watch it and he can accept this but when he gets the opportunity unfortunately he will want to watch it again and it breeds deceit and lies. I am not saying you have to accept feeling bad, I think you have to come to an agreement with porn that suits you as a couple. If finding it saved on a joint computer disturbs you, ask him not to do this, or him not setting up password protected files, you’re going to find them. It is also PERFECTLY REASONABLE to request he doesn’t watch it while you’re around, as a human, woman and partner if you find this upsetting and he is a man worth your time, he will respect your feelings and only watch it when you’re not around. Then you have to trust him. Installing spyware on the computer/phone/laptop is really sly. You are not respecting his privacy. He may live with you but you do not therefore control every aspect of his life. It is not fair. If you can’t trust him to do this then maybe you need to move on, and your lack of trust is separate from your issue with porn. This brings me onto the fact that women want to be ‘the everything’ to their partner. Sometimes you might want to have control over your partner and them watching porn behind your back to you means you are out of control and you are not their ‘everything’. Sorry to break it to you but just because you love each other and you are in a relationship that does not mean you can dominate your partners’ lives. Women sometimes say that they want to know everything that their partner is getting up to, and relating specifically to porn; when they are watching it, and what they are watching, and perhaps this is because you have made your life revolve around your partner, up to the point where you want to know what they are masturbating to and when they are getting off. Is this really acceptable to you? Couldn’t your energy in this light be placed elsewhere and to things that BENEFIT you and don’t upset you? Your boyfriend should love you and support you, and he should do so unconditionally of some of your faults. You should do the same back and accept that porn/masturbation is a part of his life. I’m sure many of the women reading this will have various toys/fantasies/celebrities/lubricant/etc that help them get off by themselves, how would you feel if your partner turned around and said ‘stop using that dildo, it makes me feel like I am inadequate.’?Some women have great difficulty accepting porn itself; some find it disturbing and unacceptable, and generally do not agree with it. In this case you again can assert your right as a human being not to have it inflicted upon you. Unfortunately you might be morally opposed to pornography but you cannot just inflict your views upon your partner who has probably spent many years enjoying what it has to offer. Your choices are to break up and move on and find someone with similar views as yourself or to try and come to terms with it by yourself. Perhaps try to accept that porn isn’t all bad. Porn can also stimulate you both as a couple and many couples watch it together to make their sex life different and more interesting. Ask him to involve you in porn, you may find it fun too, and he will most certainly love it. Although this seems contradictory to what I wrote earlier, many women will also admit to watching porn. Try it if you feel comfortable. I know many women of the modern age will combine it with their own masturbation. Masturbation leads to great sex, and this is no different for a man. Personally I watch all sorts of porn, have all sorts of masturbation practices, with and without my partner, and NONE of it replaces my man, nor is it better than the real thing, nor does it make the slightest difference to how much I love him. If it is true to yourself it should be true to him as well.
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (13 April 2010):
 It has nothing to do with you, what you do and no he`s not comparing you to the porn girls. Guys masturbate alot on average, even if you fully please him in the bedroom he may still want to masturbate an hour or two later. Its just how some guys are. Now most guys know that you don`t want the whole relationship to be about sex and we are very visual creatures who find it easier to watch something rather than imagine it.
Don`t doubt yourself and don`t think that he doesn't love you because of this. If there is no lack of spark in the bedroom then the porn shouldn't be a problem. Have you ever considered watching it with him and seeing why he is actually into it?
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