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female
,
anonymous
writes: I have been with this man now for 8 months on and off. I love him I really do, but the problem is him. He is married with a baby mother and bisexual. He claims that he doesnt have sex with his babymother, yet he is by her house everyday. Don't get me wrong, I dont have a problem with him visiting his daughter, but since he has been around her (his babymother) we hardly have sex anymore which proves in a lot of ways that he is back with her. Whenever I talk to him about it, he gets violent. His wife and him are now separated and he is very involved in the gay community. Recently he gave me a string of minor diseases, yet I find it hard to leave him. He strangles me whenever he gets upset and now I only see him once a week or when he needs money. He tells everyone he knows (excepting his baby mother) that he loves me and he is getting a divorce to marry me. I don't believe that. The other day I saw him giving another guy heads and I honestly can't find myself kissing him much less having sex with him again. My interest has lessened tremendously, but I just can't find it in myself to leave him. I have tried, but he comes back, and it's hard to say no. Now I am worrying if he gave me some sort of lifelong, life threatening disease. He refuses to wear a condom, and he has sex with me whether I want to or not. What should I do? It is so hard to get away from this man.
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reader, anonymous, writes (30 June 2005): You need to understand why you are remaining in an dysfunctional relationship with this horrible man..who is abusing you. It's a given..he is bad and has very low self-esteem. But why are you staying. The reasons women stay in abusive relationships are very complicated. There are a wide range of emotional feelings that allow the abuse to continue and prevent the woman from leaving. Here are a few reasons that women stay in an abusive relationship:
Fear - Women fear the physical harm that might come if they attempt to leave.
Love - Women may truly have deep feelings for the abusive partner.
Guilt - Being made to think that the abuse is their fault, that they have the problem.
Thinking They Can Change Them - The belief that over time the woman can change the abusive partner.
Low Self-Esteem - there is a feeling that they can do no better than the current abusive relationship.
Being Alone - To end the relationship could mean a loss of mutual friends, relatives and others associated with the relationship.
Every abuser believes he has a right to control a woman. Their need to control is far greater than his capacity for love of the woman. Abusers don't forget about their abuse, they just deny it. Abusers minimize the impact and effect of their abuse. They make it less than it is which makes the woman feel she is over reacting.
Maybe you know you're in deep trouble, maybe you know the relationship can not be saved, but you're just not quite ready to leave? No one can make the decision to leave but you. You need to find the courage and strength just to go. He's been violent..he's given you std's..he messing around with men and women. What more do you need to know to get out of there.
What you should do right now, whether you have made the decision to leave or not is: put together an emergency plan, get some counselling and start planning the great escape...asap. Note: If you are being physically abused, please at least formulate the emergency plan and get some counselling immediately. You have an obligation to protect yourself from physical danger.
Your love for him is all wrong...what you feel is not love but maybe a neediness and dependency. Be strong..go make a life for yourself. And then you will heal from this abusive relationship..because you know that you have the strength to fight back. Doing this will build your self esteem back up and self-love is the best gift we can give ourselves. Good luck to you..take care and please seek some outside help. Your life may well depend on that.
A
reader, becky05 +, writes (30 June 2005):
I cant believe a man as bad as this exists! Leave now!
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A
female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (30 June 2005):
 When I read your question, I think either a) this is a set-up, or b) this woman has a death wish. I don't like either thought.
For the moment, I'll assume that this is a real question.
What cue, exactly, are you waiting for to make your exit? Do you have to get Hepatitis C or HIV to make the danger here a reality for you? Are you waiting until he almost - but presumably, not quite - kills you? Is raping you not enough of a clue that THIS IS NOT A NICE MAN?!
Wake up, sister! This man has been hurting you, again and again. He will hurt you in future! He cheats on you with men and women. He won't show the decency to protect you from infections. He rapes you. He throttles you. Things will get worse, if you get pregnant, or come down with - I can't believe I'm writing this - ANOTHER disease.
Look inside yourself and, for god's sake, think. WHY do you continue to see a man who would treat you like this? WHAT is it about him that seems to melt your heart?
Throw him out and move away. Leave. Get some distance between you, please. Your is the back-story to those tragic news stories you hear, where the man gets hauled away, wearing a blood-soaked shirt and the neighbours say things like "They were always fighting." And, "I knew she should have left him, but she claimed she loved him."
Please please please. Pick up the phone book. Look in the government pages for "domestic abuse". There will be a free number and the ladies on the other end of the line have been through what you've been though. They can tell you how to leave him.
Don't be afraid to ask for help from the Police, either. That's what they DO. The police are employed to protect you from people who want to hurt you. (That'd be your boyfriend.)
Look after yourself, dear, or yours could be a short and tragic life. That's not "love", that's insanity.
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