A
female
age
30-35,
*issy123
writes:Oh my gosh. So today at work I was talking to the man who is twice my age and who I am interested in and he has admitted to being attracted to me as well...., and he asked me on a date!! (Reminder: he has been married for 18 years and currently in the middle of a divorce. I see him 5 out of 7 mornings of the week at the restaurant I work at.) He says to me, casually "hey I've been meaning to ask you something, and tell me if this is too forward, but would want to go to dinner sometime" I got butterflies (which is a feeling I haven't felt in 3 years, since I met my now ex-boyfriend) and without hesitation said to him, yes I would like enjoy that. It was after we made note of the elephant in the room, that I gave home my phone number, even though he had already given me his. We have been calling and texting each other throughout the day and set up a date for dinner and drinks this weekend. My question is how do I play this? I don't want to be in a serious relationship with him, mostly because he has two kids. And how do I find common ground with him other than my place of employment or his ex wife ? And should I have any expectations?
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at work, divorce, ex-wife, his ex, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (11 February 2012):
 Interesting question, Talking about exes is part of the territory. I know you want to escape it but it simply isn't going to happen reliably. It really doesn't have much to do with his interest in you. It is that 18 years is a big part of his life. Roughly the amount of time you have lived with your parents. His ex is a huge part of his personality. As time passes he will be able to remove her from his conversation. Right now it is too new and raw.
Sorry not sure about the boundary setting.
FA
A
female
reader, Missy123 +, writes (10 February 2012):
Missy123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast night we talked on the phone for nearly an hour, HE did what you all told me to do, to be up front about what this is... He said he wants to take things very slowly (which actually makes me think that he wants this to develop into something) I don't mind it developing into something, I just don't want to a step mom of 2 boys between the ages of 10-13. He also said that it will be fun times and good conversation. Honestly I haven't gone out with anyone other than my now ex, since August 2010 when my best girl friend took me to dinner for my birthday. So I am excited and nervous, but the boundaries have been set.
One thing I defiantly noticed is that he talks about the problems between he and his (ex)wife kind of a lot, I mean I don't mind really, because we are just friends and he is having a tough time with it, i understand that but I would think that since he is interested in me, he wouldn't talk about her as much. Am I wrong for not wanting to talk about exes ? What am i suppose to say when he does talk about her? And have the boundaries been set clearly enough?
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A
male
reader, Fatherly Advice +, writes (10 February 2012):
How to play this? play it safe. this is still a very dicey situation. all the warnings are correct.
You are right to look for common ground. If you can achieve that you have half a chance. But, if you really don't want a relationship with someone who gives you butterflies (you must have your mind firmly in control of your emotions), then break the date and don't take risks until the divorce is final.
FA
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (9 February 2012):
 you tell him upfront on the first date that you are not interested in any thing serious with him... that for right now you wish to remain casual friends.... do not lead him on...
just because he's older and divorcing (are you sure he's living apart from the wife and that the divorce is really in the works) does not make him magic or special....
once we get past say 25 or so we tend to have already figured out who we are and how we interact with the world and very little will change in the way of our personalities... I am almost 52 my fiancé is 38 and I feel like I'm still in my 20s.... not because he's so young... but that's just how I feel...
my dad is 77 and he often says "I'm not old enough to have a daughter who has grown children" and I get that because both of my kids are older than you and I don't feel like I'm old enough to be their mother...
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A
male
reader, TrancedRhythmEar  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 This sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. One, he's in the middle of a divorce so his emotions may or not be in check. Two, older men can be creeps. He may or may not be but involving alcohol on the first date (let alone any date) is setting yourself up for all kinds of risks. Tell him straight up you dont want a serious relationship but just maybe FWB of course that may not work either since he's confessed he's attracted to you which means he could develop feelings for u too. Big risk. Id stay away from him. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): He has been married a long time, is still in the process of getting a divorce, and has the 2 children.
You've mentioned the fact he is twice your age, this might not have been an issue if it's something you really wanted, however, you say you don't want a serious relationship with him due to his kids.
You therefore should be upfront with him when you go out. That way, both of you know what this is about. He is vulnerable right now going through the divorce, you said you are interested in him, but not for something serious, so tell him that. Set the boundaries, so nobody gets hurt.
In terms of finding common ground, ask him about his life, and share yours. Where he was born, where he grew up, what he wanted to be, what he is doing now, what his future aspirations are, etc. Your hobbies and interests, etc. What your favourite bands/books/movies are. There is so much to talk about, even with age differences.
You could have expectations, but you are already narrowing it down by saying you don't want anything serious, so that will limit what may develop. On your first outting, let him lead, let him guide the evening, but find an opportunity to share how you feel, and what YOUR expectations are, and hopefully he will do the same.
Enjoy it, and have fun.
Best Wishes
xxxx E
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