A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend and I have been together, exclusively, for a little over years steady. Up until this past year, things have been wonderful, but it's suddenly all starting to fall apart and I don't know why. We've been great friends before we started seeing each other. I am also lead to believe that he and I are quite serious, there have been many serious discussions about marriage/engagement even up to date... though never a proposal. Not to mention, we've been living together for at least two of the three years we've been together.Up until this past year, he has basically been a perfect boyfriend... he had always written me poetry, bought me sweet little gifts "just because", bragged about me to everyone he knows, he had never been shy of showing my affection in public and was always up for being close to me at home (as in cuddling or holding me), and he had always treated me very lovingly and kindly. We've always been inseparable, rarely ever going anywhere without each other. But now he's hardly anything like that anymore, it seems like he's changed into a completely different person really fast.I've considered that maybe he was getting a little bored and have gone to many lengths to make things more exciting for him, which sometimes he doesn't even seem to notice at all. I've also tried just leaving him alone for a while and staying out of his way, thinking maybe he's had too much of me and not enough time for himself, but he always winds up insisting that I'm there with him. I've even tried pampering him - giving him daily full body massages or asking him if I could get him anything throughout the day, basically waiting on him. We didn't rush into sex or our first "I love you"s, and "I love you" came way before sex did... but we've always had a very healthy sex life, he never appears to be bored or complains and we definitely change things up a lot as far as that's concerned. I even surprise him once in a while and initiate things when he doesn't expect it.He spends a lot of time online, always has, and it doesn't bother me at all as I am usually online just as much as he is. He plays a lot of social online games and has quite a few online friends, the majority of which have usually mostly been pretty ladies. That fact alone does not bother me in the least, I don't mind if he's friends with them whatsoever but... the thing is that there has been a bit of a problem with them flirting with him, as well as him flirting back, and they definitely know he's taken because he tells them straight out. A number of them have even left him comments with little hearts and saying stuff like "I love you" right out in the open on his profiles or over instant messenger, or saying suggestive things, even if they know I'm right there next to him (which he used to not mind at all, but now suddenly he does). Even if he tells them to stop. The other catch is though, that he flirts back more often than not and kind of eggs them on. I've politely told him a few times that it makes me a little uncomfortable and I'd appreciate if it would stop, only to have him suddenly get angry with me and blow up on me. He has never hit me and I'm entirely positive that he would never physically hurt me, just so that's clear, and he has never been known to blow up like this... least of all on me. I don't take an accusatory tone on him when I bring up my concerns and he has even told me many times that I am more than welcome to speak to him about problems or concerns, but each time, he just flies off the handle. He sometimes gets very mean to the point where he makes me cry for hours, saying stuff like I don't love him or I'm selfish or paranoid, or even that I'm absolutely insane and it's all in my head. I'm just imagining things that aren't really there. But other people have noticed too at times, friends of ours. I have no idea what brought on the sudden change but it hurts and frightens me, I'm even too scared to cry in front of him or try to talk to him about problems anymore for fear that he'll get mad at me for it. It just isn't like him at all. And if I try to talk to the girls, nicely, about it - they just don't care at all. The worst thing to ever come of one of his outbursts was that he accused me of snooping through all of his stuff on his computer and everything, which I most certainly did not do... and then he followed that by saying that if that is what I was going to do he would just resort to keeping things private, in private messages and e-mails, he would do what he pleases and that if I kept trying to hinder him he would walk out on me.I love him dearly and the last thing I want to do is leave him, but if this keeps up I'm afraid I'm going to have to. I'm pretty well crushed. I have no idea what to do. I'd ask my friends but we share the same group of friends and they tend to gossip amongst themselves, everyone knows everything about everyone else basically if it's told to one friend, so I'm afraid it would get back around to him.
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female
reader, mummy24  +, writes (27 May 2009):
Hi
I am in the same boat really.My oh and I were friends before getting together and probably the only difference was his ex was on the scene aswell. They were close friend until a row they had made them stop speaking all together. Anyway we did however move on and we were going great. My oh is not affectionate at all but he would kiss me back if I kiss him. I did all the chasing in other words.
Then we had our lo and always felt even before I was not the kind of woman he wanted. Our sex life was okay but don't think I actually pleased him. We stopped having sex about over 6 months ago and I worry we are going to split. Right now we moved house but he just seems the same even worse. He even is distant and sometimes says really nasty things that makes me cry aswell. He just comes out with like thats why I don't like you or I am boring just really shocks me.
Last night its like he was avoiding getting into bed with me and when he came up he was like you awake. Made an excuse to ring a family member and then he came to bed fell asleep. This morning he did give me a kiss before goign to work but its only when he feels like it and hugged me abit yesterday but still feel his mind is somewhere else. He is so close to his female friend I am jealous they talk on the phone all the time and the way he chats to her is never how he chats to me. He treats me as if I am nothing and feeling so down about it and wonder if us moving was the wrong thing. I also have ex bf near where we moved as this was what I was scared of. Now feel like I need to see one of them or somebody to comfort feel so alone. I am scared how our relationship will turn out. If we split I am don't know what I am going to do or after 6 months if nothing changes I might have to break up with him.
Sorry to ramble on but feel you guys a bit like mind.
Have you trieds speaking to him? Can you see this working out?
I am sorry not much help but felt your post reminded me of my boyfriend
A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2009): Hey there,
To me sounds like you have done you best and tried very hard to keep it just sane for yourself and tried to help him as much as possible.
But if you can not even talk to him now then what is the point? It does not look like things will change any time soon because they can not be solved verbally. If I may, suggest that you try to talk to him straight forward and try to get a straight forward answer. Explain to him how you feel now and if possible try to get an answer about how he feels now. People do change and I know you love him but he has changed for the "worse".
I can only speculate that maybe he is not in love with you anymore. Most likely he has an online relationship and instead of doing things maturely he is just abusing you and throwing his own crap on you thus taking advantage of the nice person you are and know him to be. I think it is you who should be leaving him but I guess you really believe in the love you have with him. Well try to talk to him a last time, work up some courage and try to talk to him. If he doesn't then well I think its time to go, before you destroy yourself. Ignore the gossip around you, and try to get some answers yourself, I think you deserve that much dear.
Good Luck to you, i hopw whatever happens, things work out for the best.
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