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age
30-35,
anonymous
writes: Okay so, I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a couple months. Things started off a little rocky, but we came through it and we're very much in love. We've had fights, but we were able to work through them.The only issue I'm really having is sex. Like, we both lost our virginity to each other [me: 21 at the time him: 29]. So with that being my first experience, I don't have anything else to compare my experience to.But sadly over time things got really bad. Like, at first he was able to keep "it up" for a good amount of time, but now it only lasts maybe 2 minutes, if even. He use to drink lots of alcohol, so that made things worse. But even when he stopped, things didn't get better.He feels that he is suffering from Erectile Dysfunction. But when I told him to try Viagra, he said it cost too much.So right now, things are pretty awful. Sex only last 2 minutes or so, if his erection doesn't give out. And sometimes it goes soft during the act.So I'm not sure what to do about this. I don't want to leave him, and I can tell that this issue hurts him, but I just feel lost on how we can fix this. And it's crazy because I feel he's too young to have this issue!Thanks for any advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again! I definitely will try and get my hands on a copy. It just might help.
I will talk to him and get him to try the things you suggested and hopefully it will make things a thousand times better.
Thank you so much! :)
A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (5 September 2010):
Hello again. You're very welcome. I'm glad it helped.
You have also just given me another clue.
He wants to skip on ahead to sex without the foreplay. But without the foreplay the erection won't happen anyway. Because the foreplay is the lead-up to being able to have sex in the first place. The foreplay is the stimulation. But the stimulation does not stop at the moment of insertion.
Without any foreplay there will be NO sex. The foreplay is absolutely necessary. He needs to leave his worries behind and just concentrate his mind on how good his body feels being stimulated, and to have fun. It's very much a living in the present moment activity. He needs to focus all his attention on physical feelings - as they happen - from the tiniest little tingles to full-blown orgasm. It can never be fully enjoyed and appreciated, with a distracted mind.
Perhaps he could do some relaxation exercises (such as slow deep breathing), before making love in future.
I just had another idea as well. I once read a very good book called - "Your Erroneous Zones" by Dr Wayne W. Dyer. I read it back in about 1980, but I am sure the book is still available today at any good bookstore. It comes under the category of self-help or Motivational or New age.
It's about what I was just talking about a minute ago - living in the present moment. No worry or guilt, No blame or justify and lots, lots more. It's a great motivational book, a very easy light read and quite funny during it as well. It just makes so much sense. It's the one book I have read and it has changed my whole outlook on life from the moment I started reading it. It's also a book you can read it about once a year or 2 years to refresh the ideas in your mind. It's very useful indeed. See if you can get hold of a copy. It certainly lifted a great weight off my shoulders, that's for sure.
Good luck! I sincerely hope this helps you also. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey Dorothy Dix. You hit the nail on the head! He ALWAYS thinks about whether his erection will last or not every time we have sex. He even said that it's nearly impossible for us to "make love" because it takes too much time and his erection might give out. He doesn't even want to waste time doing foreplay fearing the same outcome. So it's mainly a fast action so that we can have sex and get through it.
But I will definitely try what you suggested to relax. He always seems to be thinking about something..or feeling stressed about life. And he feels that I may become unhappy with him and/or cheat on him because of this. But I love him too much to ever hurt him.
Thank you so much for your advice :)
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (4 September 2010):
Hello again. Yes, molestation of a male is psychologically damaging.
As much he might believe that the core of the problem is the sexual attack, it probably isn't the whole or the major part of the problem. It might play only a minor part. Because with a problem of erection, you can start to look for all sorts of reasons to make sense of it. Anything at all.
If he thinks about it (the attack) sometimes, the one thing he needs to do in his own time, is to think about whether it DOES actually upset him, or is he trying to blame it on the problem he currently has. It is possible that he very rarely has any thoughts about it now. He probably has moved on.
If he does believe it is the cause, the most powerful thing he could possibly do, is to forgive the man (in his heart). Perhaps do it in prayer. It probably has in some way affected his self-esteem as well. That might be how the erection problem began in the first place. But not necessarily.
Then when he was in a relationship and happened to be in a vulnerable mood some years later, (not even related to the attack, he just mightn't have been well), he had the first occurrence of an erection problem, and that last girlfriend was sarcastic and negative. Most likely, it all began then. It only takes once, and someone who isn't supportive and it goes from there. Perhaps that was the reason for the breakup.
So the initial problem on the first instance, may have had nothing whatsoever to do with what happened in his childhood. It was more about the situation at that moment.
After the first time, then the anxiety begins before each sexual encounter, wondering if it's going to happen again. The anxiety itself then becomes the real issue. The more anxiety there is, the less likely the guy is to feel pleasure because he's so bogged down in the anxiety wondering if he's going to keep his erection. The anxiety will also short-circuit any sensations as they will distract him from feeling anything.
Making love and orgasm is all about feelings and sensations. Anxiety towards it all, simply gets in the way.
Those thoughts can make a problem happen that wasn't even a problem before that.
A problem of sustaining an erection can perpetuate itself, just by one's attitude toward it happening. The more you get anxious about it (even slightly), the more likely it is to happen each time. Even though he might first get an erection and be able to have sex, the anxiety might not be there to start with, then it happens after you have begun to have sex.
So it's very likely that more of the problem is actually his own mind worrying if he is going to get an erection or not - rather than the sexual attack in his childhood. And he probably does think about it every single time.
It really all comes down to attitude, in fact everything in life does. I am now referring to attitude toward the erection problem. If it is considered to be a problem, then it will become a problem. However if it is thought of as just an occasional thing, (like when you've had a bad day at work; had an argument with your partner; are tired; unwell; or just not in the mood), then it will present much less of a problem.
It really does seem to me that the real issue more than anything else, is his anxiety towards having and keeping an erection. Rather than if it's something else that caused it.
It's also possible that for him now, perhaps he worries so much about it that it's practically all he focuses on. I suggest taking some of the focus off it by exercising to relax him more. Going for a nice long walk. Relaxing is really important, because relaxation means an absence of stress. Do some other things in your life. Go out, have a picnic take your minds of the problem. If you don't it will remain. It's the law of attraction - "What you focus on most, you bring more of it into your life". It's very true.
You can become part of the problem - the anxiety.
Please just forget about worrying. It's a roadblock and it serves no purpose.
Hope this helps. Best wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there! Thank you all so much for your advice. For now, there wasn't really any way to fix the issue, especially since we have other issues surfacing... :(
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female
reader, Moo's Mum  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 He asbsoutely has to go back to that dark place again to sort it out once and for all and put it behind him. He has buried it and that's why he can't remember it but it's lying there hiding, eating away at him and causing problems. No body wants to remember stuff like that but it's essential to deal with it to move forward and have a full and happy life.
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Take some time to just talk and play and fondle with no pressure to "perform". Don't focus on "THE PROBLEM". Removal of any pressure can go a long way, and if he actually sees you having fun with him as he is, maybe he won't worry so much about pleasing you. Experiment with touch, ask him questions about his various parts purely out of your curiousity. Don't you wonder how x feels, or which parts are more sensitive, etc. I am not qualified to comment on some of the potential deeper issues, but in my opinion this can go a long way to helping you both out. If there are issues from the past, you can at least make sure he knows you aren't judging him for them. He can't change the past. No one can.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): Hey person12345, it was so weird how he brought up the topic of the molestation when he told me like 7 months ago. We were eating at a Vietnamese restaurant. He just randomly brought it up while we were eating! I was looking around wondering who heard him. It was so casual! That was so odd of him....idk if he's masking his feelings or what...because he said that he can't even remember the man's face.
But what he did tell me was that he feels that the molestation was a reason why he began drinking so heavily, to escape.
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A
female
reader, person12345  +, writes (13 August 2010):
 Something tells me this is much more deep-rooted and traumatic than he wants to let on. Obviously you can't force him into therapy. But the fact that he says he "barely even remembers it" tells me that a) this is really affecting him and b) it's the kind of thing that if he doesn't deal with it, he'll go totally mad with shame, anxiety, etc... When men are raped it frequently affects them in a different way than women in that it kind of undermines their masculinity. Men are encouraged to not talk about their feelings about it, to "suck it up" and "be a man." Men are frequently raped in war because it utterly destroys them emotionally. The men almost never want to talk about it because rape happens to girls (and that's the worst attack to masculinity) and they are being controlled and dominated in the worst way (again something bad for general masculinity). You should read up on the psychological effects of male rape a bit. I wouldn't try to talk to him about the experience though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHey there, um, he says that he no longer remembers the situation fully. [mind you, it began with the older man literally stalking my boyfriend when he was a little boy]
and i dont think he gonna be willing to go back to that dark place again.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (13 August 2010):
Yes the sexual assault could very well be to blame as it is incredibly traumatic. Please have him see a counselor about it.
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (12 August 2010):
Sexual assault is such a cruel thing and most likely to be responsible for his problems. He should have some therapy to help him get over this. Pain like that buries itself very deeply.
Good luck to both of you with patience and love I know you will get there together.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (12 August 2010):
Hello there. As you say you are first timers to sex and the first time was with each other.
Taking that into account, both of you are still learning all about what works and what doesn't.
You are probably trying to rush things, feeling self-conscious and wondering if you are doing it right and thinking ahead to the sex act itself. With that type of thinking, you are missing what is happening in the present moment altogether. Which is of course, the foreplay. Just enjoy and experiment with what feels good to each other and don't be afraid to tell each other what feels good and what doesn't. Be totally honest.
It's not really erectile dysfunction, it seems much more like anxiety about performance than a physical problem in reality. The anxiety will make it impossible for him to gain and sustain an erection at any time really. Also, the reason for losing an erection just before or even during sex, is simply not enough stimulation in the first place. This can be put down to inexperience and nothing more.
Really, you have nothing to worry about. Just relax, take your time and experiment. It's a wonderful life experience - a true adventure. It's meant to be fun, there is no hurry. The more you try to hurry things, the less you enjoy it. Don't have any expectations, and just go with the flow.
It's all about the journey - not the destination.
Take Care, and enjoy !! Best Wishes.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. As far as emotional issues go, he was sexually assaulted by a man as a young boy...and his girl friend a few years back that he loved so much crushed his heart.
So maybe that might answer it? I'm not sure..
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female
reader, Moo's Mum +, writes (12 August 2010):
He really needs to talk to a Doctor about this. It's almost certinally fixable but the longer he leaves it the worse it will be.
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female
reader, person12345 +, writes (11 August 2010):
The issue doesn't usually have to do with age. A lot of the time it's psychological. Is he under a lot of stress? Are you two having other problems in the relationship? Those are the two most likely things I'd guess. Why not try "taking the temperature" and ask him seriously how satisfied he is? And take it deeper than, "Oh hey so are you happy?" "Yeah I'm fine."
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female
reader, blakjacq +, writes (11 August 2010):
 Wow tough one. There isn't much you can do besides be supportive of him. What you need to do to fix this in know what the problem is in the first place. since he just lost his virginity at 29 and is a nube too it could a a WIDE range of reasons for the dysfunction. MY guess is it's probably something going on in his head that's the problem. Get him to open up and actually talk about with him. he'll feel uncomfortable, but let him know your not judging him, you just want to know how he feels. and if he swears it's not mental or emotional or nothing wrong with you and you just dont know what it is well then maybe see a doctor.
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male
reader, Kenj  +, writes (11 August 2010):
 If he has managed in the past but not now then it could just be anxiety or stress.
Viagra may help but it can be expensive.
Try more foreplay also rather than jumping into the main act.
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