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age
51-59,
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writes: My husband cheated on me 4 years ago yes when we fought I brought up the affairs...the one I caught him see he was on a dating site and met several women....I have been on here asking for advice..about this..now that he up and left because again I caught him on the computer sending I love you ringtones to some woman...this was 5 months ago..he still denies the woman...but tells me he could never come back to me..because I pushed him away..I did all the damage to the marriage....OMG..how someone explain ..when he was the one who cheated..yes I fought with him...because he cheated and was caught again..he is seenwith this woman but claims she is a friend who appreciates him....please some one make me understand..I am going crazy fighting for him back..
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female
reader, B123  +, writes (8 June 2011):
 The psychologists would call this projection. He is projecting his own guilt for misbehaving onto you. You didn't push him away. He chose to go away from you instead of fixing what you already had. So he decided to make himself feel better for being so horrible to you he would pin the blame on you. Imagine if he had made his new gf pregnant? would he blame you for accidentally making her pregnant too? see my point. He did not consider your feelings or your heart. You possibly fought with him as you were trying to ascertain why he did what he did to you? sounds to me like he has not grown up. He was on a dating site while he was still married to you...how disrespectful can you get..come on. So instead of seeking a way to fix his marriage he was already seeking a replacement for you but now this new replacement is a rebound and he suddenly wants you back cos you were the better choice. Well too little too late. Remember he is not going to change so let him live by his actions. I also recommend you watch a movie called Fireproof on there - its in 12 parts on youtube. That is an example of a man who actually wants to save his marriage and make it work..you will also see that he is trying to simply make himself feel better by looking like he cares for you..but if he truely cared for you he wouldn't be with anyone right now! ANYWAY you take care of yourself and I think you hold the answers to these problems already. You say: I am going crazy fighting for him back..
if you want him back...do nothing..its my best advice - go to counselling if he does come back as the trust needs to be rebuilt but usually cheaters sadly don't ever change how they are...so why tolerate to be with one? just a thought!
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGAMINE.....
This has been brought to my attention.....the narcissistic personality, and it totally makes sense, he has never had a longterm friendship, "because when the doting on him ends, the compliements, hes on to someone else" Or in a marriage, I became distant when I found out about the affair...so it was my fault that he had an affair AGAIN...
I pushed him away...my fault... :)
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Blaming the victim is a classic behavior of abusive relationships.
That is what is happening to you.
My wife had an affair, there was a lot to the backstory, she was depressed and she wrongly thought I'd fallen out of love with her and became paranoid about me leaving her and started drinking, and eventually ended up having an affair. Yeah, when I found out we fought and argued and both of us dealt with a lot of pain but we didn't abuse each other.
She never blamed me, not once, not once in 10 years.
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female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Because blaming you is WAY easier for him then owning his own actions. Just like a 5 year old who will blame ANYONE for dropping their ice cream cone.
*sarcasm* Didn't you know that it's ALWAYS the spouses fault when a wife or husband cheats? My wife is evil or she doesn't understand me.. we never have sex.. *end sarcasm*
Just ask ANY woman who's ever dated a married guy and I bet you she will tell you just how bad his wife is... (even if the wife is a SAINT)
Dump the loser husband! Divorce his dumb-ass and move on. He is NOT going to stop cheating or accepting responsibility for his own actions. It JUST isn't going to happen.
YOU deserve happiness!
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): If he broke down in tears,they may or may not be real. You wouldnt know what is going on in his thoughts. Was it a mistake? Will they cheat again? Thats not known. If they show anger,blame you for sending them through not showing them enough love,not paying attention,show anger because you should have trusted them or anything like, if it wasnt for you it wouldnt have happened,i wanted compliments etc.Just like he has,then its the surest way of seeing they are no good. Their is no understanding or no care in the world about you,just themself. If someone was not treating them good enough then you would end it. It is an excuse and attempt to hurt even more. If there is no remorse,they believe it serves you right then they have proved they dont love you. It will hurt you bad,but they have also done you the greatest thing ever by showing you what is really under the surface.You have got a chance now,when the pain goes you will look back and see nothing more than what really was. Even wonder what you saw in him in the first place. You wont be jealous of who he is with,you will think poor woman,because he will do exactly the same believe.
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female
reader, Honeygirl  +, writes (18 January 2011):
 Sorry sweet, but your husband is going to blame you for his shortcomings, this is call 'blameshifting', everybody else/you are the reason why he had an affair.
You are not to blame for him having an affair - he did that all on his own. He is responsible for his own actions.
Please PM me [private message] as I would like to chat with you regarding your situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 January 2011): Darling he is a jerk.......he is selfish and inconsiderate and I'm sorry to tell you this but I do believe he is not ready to change his cheating ways and hasn't got a clue or any regards for your marriage vows.
One thing I have come to discover about some couples is that the so called 'marriage problems' began way before you were married ie some people particularly women would like to believe once they marry their partner he will be 'settled'. An unrepentant cheating partner will make you a cheating husband.He knows no better and you tolerated it before so why does have to change. You knew what he was about, this aint no new development. At best they behave at first and return to their usual business. Then we start to treat 'medicine after death'. Some people are lucky their partners may realised the error of their ways but a lot are not so lucky.
Does this apply to you?
Please take some time to rediscover yourself and life...You seem to have your world rotating around this cad of a man who by the way is not ready to change.
Find a hobby, apply for a promotion, get a haircut, go shopping, volunteer helping people who are less priviledge...do something to build your self esteem. Talk to a priest and see a marriage counsellor. You are strong enough to survive this. Take care
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